January 18, 2013

2013: The Year of the Robot Unicorn.

{Feng Shui experts believe 2013 to be the year of the Water Snake. We believe this may not be entirely true.}

 2013 is expected to be a most auspicious year!

Here’s a list of what may come in the upcoming year:


• The focus this year will be in the Southeastern part of the country with extremes in precipitation. We will finally experience the literal raining of cats and dogs.

• Also, Southeast Asia should expect to see a comet that will give everyone the power to shoot fireballs from their palms.

The Economy

• The economy will continue to improve. {Editor’s note: This message was gleaned by casting vegan mouse bones (the mice were vegan), leaving it open to interpretation. “Economy” may mean the price of the New York Jets. “Jets” may actually mean “airplanes.”}

• The stock market will move into the bull territory, in an upward momentum, chiefly due to elephant journal’s IPO, which will launch on February 1st.

• This year progressive rock stations will be predominant.

Successful Industries

• Industries that will thrive: Black market sales of spare unicorn parts, vegan mouse bone mala beads, new media, vegan dating sites, coconut water and kombucha.

Health Issues

• There may be an unusually high number of health issues related to the ego. As the year progresses, we will see those with egoic imbalances continue writing checks their bodies can’t cash, thus finding themselves in the danger zone.

• Also, there may be unusually high incidences of injury related to the new wave of “cold yoga” classes that have become popular in the Northeast.

• If you’re prone to any of these health issues, take greater care of yourself in the year of the robot unicorn.

People that may be Adversely Affected

• This year may be difficult year for any person born in the year of the pig because it’s in direct clash with the unicorn—be more careful this year when moving forward with new ventures and with health. Everyone knows unicorns are cooler than pigs. As well as pretty much anything else in the Zodiac. Basically, if you’re not a robot unicorn, you’re pretty much screwed.

• Also, people born in the year of the unicorn may experience blessings and challenges. This year may be a year that provides lessons that benefit you in the future as well as bringing beautiful things in your life.

• Finally, anyone who makes any more “sh*t x people say” videos will suffer the consequences of one who was born in the year of the pig. Because you’re a pig.

Positive Aspects

• Community and camaraderie will be more prevalent than ever before, except within the yoga community, where feuding over Anusara will continue until 2022.

• People coming together for the greater good will also be a predominant theme this year. Editor’s note: “People coming together for the greater good” may be a catchy song title.

• Kitten videos will be as cute as ever.

• People may find themselves traveling more this year. Or not. Whatev. Just remember: one does not simply walk into Mordor.


• Dancing will be a topic for a lot of people this year. You can dance if you want to; you can leave your friends behind.

• Vegan dating will increase significantly, due to the increase of the amount of people going vegan. Or dating. Or both.


• Simon and Garfunkel will not just reunite; they’ll merge into one ultimate being, called Simofunk. He shall become the prototype human for cloning.

• The “50 Shades Frenzy” shall continue with the 2013 release of 50 Shades of Shiva, featuring the Hindu god of yoga, sex, destruction and theater. Oh wait, this book was released over 1500 years ago; it’s called Kumarasambhava. Can we say “time for a sequel”?

• A picture of Sri K. Pattabhi Jois drinking a pleasant mug of coffee will wreak havoc on the yoga community. Good robot unicorn ashtangis will always defend Sri K. Pattabhi Jois.

Political Climate

• Walt Disney will finally be removed from his cryogenic state, and will have unyielding, unprecedented control over the people.

• “Truthers” will become a legitimate political party.

• The political regime in the new year—in our country as well as others—can be more centralized, with extreme use of power and kittens.

• Abrupt ends to international conflicts as well as revolutions spurring up are common during this year. The release of the Kirtan version of Robot Unicorn Attack will facilitate this swift and auspicious ending, and peace shall reign supreme.

The thing is, we all love to read predictions. Horoscopes are fun. We all have moments where we’d like to peek a few pages ahead and see how everything will turn out.

We can’t.

The best thing about what’s coming for 2013 is that it hasn’t been written yet. All of the silly or serious pseudo-predictions don’t matter. It’s the leaps that we decide to make. No one can predict our year for us. Thousands of people read the Feng Shui predictions for this year; I hadn’t read them until today. To me, the most exciting thing is that I don’t know what’s coming next. There’s no script here. It’s still all unwritten.

Here’s to 2013 and making it up as we go along!


Like elephant robot unicorn ashtangis on Facebook.



Written and Edited by Kate Bartolotta & Kevin Macku

elephant journal is not responsible for any poor decision making made on the basis of these predictions. All vegan mouse bone mala bead sales are final.

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