How often when we have let a relationship go, do we feel an almost visceral feeling of missing someone?
That specific feeling, which propels you into a physical desire for action—and then your head takes over, reminding you what a bad idea it is to contact him or her. It could be for so many reasons that you removed this person out of your life, but when that feeling overwhelms you, it begs the question:
We just want to understand ourselves.
Why do we feel compelled to reach out? Is it a connection that won’t fade no matter how much time has passed? Is it Karma, a soulmate status or being psychologically screwed up from our less-than-stellar childhood? Are we desiring a feast of punishment?
What the hell is wrong with us?
Nothing; nothing more is wrong with you or me, than anyone else in this world.
There are so many of us who feel an unearthly connection to someone; a person where when we dream, we could swear they were right there with us. A person, who got you, knew you from head to toe, loved and accepted you. There was deep connection…but there were major components of the relationship missing.
Why are we haunted with missing people who have had this role in our lives?
I’ve had many clients who seek readings, answers…anything to understand it. They want to know why; as they move on, heal, grow and change, why does this connection still create emotional havoc—it’s as though a lightening rod is installed in their hearts.
I’ve experienced it myself; I would beat myself up, when the feeling flooded me. Especially, when I’d done everything, short of an exorcism, to be released from it’s hold. And for me, like many who come to me, the relationship fell short in many ways.
The actions rarely followed the words—the fear in the other person was so profound, they were like a yo-yo, coming close and then falling off the face of the earth. Having two feet in was never possible; showing up and actually being in it, is quite different than saying you are fully engaged.
These relationships can go on for years, because when the person is present, it’s a magical feeling.
I had a client yesterday who has been in this situation for a couple of years. She, like everyone else, wanted to know what was wrong with him, and her, and what to do.
Here’s what I know to be true:
1. It could be a past life thing or a present life thing…but it doesn’t matter.
Even if you believe this connection started here or there, it does nothing toward helping you now. What helps is to see in yourself where the “Big Empty” exists. What are you trying to fill?
There is a benefit; perhaps, it’s the hope that this could somehow work out in the future. The fantasy or fairy tale that all which is wrong with the relationship will somehow work out, so you live in that future moment.
2. Hope: Our hope is old hope, not new hope.
Meaning, if you look back to your childhood, ask yourself: “What did I want that I never received from an important adult in my life, emotionally?”
Now, it doesn’t solve the connection, but it can shed light on why a part of you is waiting for someone to show up to fulfill that emotional space. Knowing this also allows us to understand what we are drawn to and usually, we can connect the dots through all of our relationships to see how we tried to unconsciously solve the problem.
3. Allow it.
Don’t fight the feeling when it overpowers you; just be with it and let it unfold.
Observe your feelings, the thoughts it provokes and see where it ends up. Every time I practiced this, I ended up in a peaceful space. I could feel the feelings, watch it unwind and lose hope by becoming unattached to the picture.
We don’t know the future and usually, only in looking back do we understand the experience. It’s a great time to ask, what did I learn about myself?
Love them, love you.
Don’t force yourself to break that connection; you can’t forcibly do it anyway.
Through love, your stance will soften and it’ll shift your perception. Most people aren’t trying to be difficult or “do something to you”—they are just doing the best they can to deal with their own demons.
Give love to yourself, through kind acts. It’s okay that you drew this person into your life, it’s also okay that you decided to move on from a relationship that hurt you.
5. Understand Yourself.
Understand what you need in a relationship, emotionally.
We are confusing, conflicting, crazy and lovable beings. Starting to understand yourself emotionally, you’ll feel you deserve a rock solid relationship. You shift toward that perception and you’ll draw someone to you who is healthier, happier and will put both feet in.
The connection may still be there, but it’s significance is overshadowed by your desire for happiness not punishment in a relationship.
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Ed: Bryonie Wise