When Friends Aren’t Friends Anymore. ~ Jenny G. Perry

Via elephant journal
on Feb 20, 2013
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They Run and Hide Their Heads

Friendships are the weirdest relationships ever.

There are no ties to each other like through your partner, your kids, your parents, siblings, etc.—even coworkers you have to see on a regular basis.

Friends are people you choose.

They can feel even more intimate than with other relationships, because our best friends know all our secrets and still love us. They don’t need us to be anything for them but ourselves, they think we’re the bee’s knees. They believe in us, cheer us on, support us and truly love us; those are the good ones.

I have some good ones—one of which has been in my life over 20 years and another 17 years. I’m blessed to have them—I only wish they didn’t live an hour away.

I’ve had many friendships through the years, all kinds: I’ve had party friends, needy friends, spiritual friends, gossip friends, negative friends, snobby friends, distant friends, quiet friends, wild friends, co-dependent friends and many more.

I’ve been a good friend and I’ve been a shitty friend. Sometimes I gave more or sometimes I took more, and the relationship went out of balance.

I’ve also had friendships that were out of convenience and really were acquaintances, I just didn’t realize it at the time.

Friendships can be based on many things, some of which are positive, some negative. Sometimes circumstances change, you change jobs or move. Maybe your kids aren’t friends with each other anymore and your friendship fades away too.

My problem was I often held on for dear life to a connection that was no longer there.

I’d try to get together with someone and they would have excuses about why they couldn’t get together. One person doesn’t make a friendship and you certainly cannot guilt someone into being friends. It didn’t matter why they didn’t want the friendship anymore, it hurt.

Any rejection sucks, especially if you care about the person and cherish the times you had together.

Maybe you didn’t love everything about them, but you weren’t looking for a perfect person. You may know that people come into your life and fade out, but there’s always a broken friendship that feels like a difficult break-up.

friends-eatingI was talking about this topic to a dear friend of mine who I met last year—how awkward it can be when there was no event that precipitates these friendship break-ups. This can be to a lesser degree when an acquaintance avoids you and you wonder what the hell happened.

Did I say something to offend them? Did they hear some rumor about me? Why don’t they like me anymore?

I wonder which would be more uncomfortable: to know the reasons why or that empty space of wondering.( Not that I think many would have the balls to tell you what the deal is.) Maybe sometimes they don’t even know.

What I have learned on an energy level is that friends are a match.

When you change or they change, sometimes you don’t match anymore. Whether interests change, personalities change or something else, on some energy level things shift. It still stinks, but it’s easier to not take it personally to see this. I know there are many reasons why friendships break up: they are jealous of something, you make a choice they don’t like, you were being a pain in the ass.

Whatever it is, true friendship can withstand the ups and downs of life.

And sometimes these besties break-ups, big or small, teach us something about ourselves. It’s different for everyone, but you can ask yourself things like: Was I a good friend? Was I true to me? Was I a negative person to be around? Why is this bothering me so much? Do I feel like I did something wrong? Do I feel like I am not good enough in some way? It can bring up a whole lot of issues, old feelings and strong energy (anger, resentment, blame, sadness, doubt, guilt, shame, regret, jealousy, fear, etc.) that comes up to heal.

There is some gem that you will get out of any situation that challenges you.

Ultimately, you have to be your own best friend. There is no such thing as the perfect, ideal picture of a friend because people expect different things. Sometimes we may be the one that needs to distance themselves from a toxic individual—you really have to honor what is right for you, just like others have to do what’s right for them.

Once the initial pain of a friend breaking up with you is over, when you can see more clearly, then you can heal.

Forgive them on a higher level to free yourself and allow another beautiful friendship to fill that space. Picture a version of yourself that’s angelic—your higher self—and then picture theirs. On that level, in your mind, tell them, “I forgive you. I wish you all the best. I love you. Namaste.” This provides a form of closure.

You can’t expect a formal closure like a break-up with a lover; with a friend break-up you, don’t get your answers. If you still can’t get past the “stuck” hurt feelings, write them a letter that shares all of your feelings before doing the higher self exercise. Then burn it, releasing it to the Universe, to be done with it once and for all, your healing supported by the Universe.

Once you do these exercises, don’t keep talking about the person or the friendship that no longer is. Move on. Take the high road. It’s more healthy for you. Get past the right or wrong and focus on things that make you feel good and not bad.

Hopefully there won’t be a next time, but if there is, maybe you’ll notice an energy shift in your relationship where you feel that things are changing and you can talk about it. You can share your feelings and maybe even have a fuller, richer, deeper, more fulfilling friendship, past all the superficial stuff.

Don’t close your heart if you are hurt or feel betrayed, it’s so worth it to stay open to the possibility of an awesome new friend.

Wishing you lots of great friendships—they are the sprinkles on the ice cream cone of our lives.


pinkie!Jenny G. Perry is the author of The Jennifers, a spunky married mother of four beautiful kids, who has a passion for life that she infuses in her work. She’s happily resides at the Jersey Shore. She loves to blog about her life’s journey in a fun and spiritual way. Calling herself a silly-sassy-spiritual-sexpot, she aims to uplift and inspire daily on her Facebook page at facebook.com/peacelovejoysparkles. Her website is: jennygperry.com.


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21 Responses to “When Friends Aren’t Friends Anymore. ~ Jenny G. Perry”

  1. This article was very timely for me. Very true. Never easy.
    I've been the dumper and the dumpee. Neither are easy and I often find myself looking back when I should be letting go. It's hard when someone you have cared so much about just doesn't fit your life any longer, or vice versa.
    "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."

  2. amber says:

    Now imagine the friend you lost was that 20 year relationship… and the 17 year one, and all of the other groups… imagine that this has happened to you repeatedly. Jr high, high school and now I have nothing. This last group were my husbands friends, the only ones we have had for seven years after mine all moved away/abandoned our friendships. Now imagine that your crazy mother decides to take you to court for visiting rights to your child because you FINALLY move away… she and five of her friends write letters (inadmisable btw) about how you are such a horrible daughter, mother and friend. Now tell me how easy it is to let go of the feelings of doubt, regret and sadness…

  3. Pamela says:

    That sounds very horrible! I guess there is no one magic answer in a situation like that though. At the end of the day we have to ask our selves were we true to ourselves? Were we a good friend, relative etc, and if we can say honestly "yes" then we need to forgive the other party/s. We may never understand their reasoning, but we need to accept that they have one (however flawed it may be!) And then we need to forgive ourselves!!!! That is usually the hardest bit! I hope this helps.

  4. Lauren says:

    Oh thank you thank you thank you for sharing this. It is so nice to know when other people have gone through the same things! Blessings!

  5. Susan says:

    Love your article Jenny! I really resonate with what you are saying. I lost 2 friends that I was close too. One that I we were very close for almost 3 years. Somehow she said that they were in a place of negativity and did not want me to feel it. I thought what are friends for. We always balanced our friendship with each other. To help heal whatever is going on their lives. I don't care if its an excuse. It does suck. The real gem with our friendship is she was with me while I was manifesting my divorce and a year afterwards. She was supporting me in every way, just like I would support her. But I see that I was to dependent on her for answers, instead of looking within myself before we meet. We are a match vibrationally 2 years ago. But we both changed and so did our lives. I love what you said about forgetting her and moving on. My other friend just left last week. I think that she wanted to guide me where I am in life and just was hammering me to the point I was crying and I had to at that point get some courage and say enough. Then she called back and said that she didn't like the way the phone call ended, but she said that she still believes everything she said to me. I know she was trying to help. But if you do not do something someone else wants you to be or say, they feel threatened. I know already everything she was saying. I am at the point in my life, that I am going to be mentored for 15 months. And its about allowing myself to open up and be me. Thank you for being who you are. You are a great inspiration. And one day I will bloom more fully to who I really am. Namaste

  6. Rick says:

    Women actually break up with their FRIENDS? Holy shit! "Hey Eddie. Grab us a couple of beers and come look at this."

  7. Coral says:

    hahahaha to rick. also, i really like this article.

  8. Karma Kittyn says:

    I have lost a friend, he needs some space he says, and it feels like a break-up just as you describe some friendship endings to feel, and without having him to talk to, to discuss great and interesting intellectual & spiritual things as we once did and I only did with him, to not see his beaming smile and get those fantastic hugs, it all sucks so much. I really hope and hope daily that this is "just" some space and that I hear from him soon.

    I had an acquaintance, totally separate timing and situation (I think) recently drop off of the map in my world – went so far as to block me on FB, and without context and explanation, completely sudden, and it was nice to see your words:

    "Did I say something to offend them? Did they hear some rumor about me? Why don’t they like me anymore?"

    I have been asking that of myself and of a couple of mutual friends Having you put those thoughts out there made me feel not so ridiculously insecure, made me feel normal, to be thinking these thoughts. THANK YOU. People tell me to just accept it, get over it, don't care about it so much, but I do. People matter to me, dang it. 😛

    Thank you SO much for sharing this piece. Really.

  9. xavier says:

    I know how it is because I don't know if I am losing friends or not based on how they are acting when they are around me. Like for instance, I have a friend I have known since we were neighbors and I am not sure if we are still friends because he has a girlfriend now and our friendship is unknown at the moment. A few days later at my high school I saw him with some girl which is his girlfriend when he finished talking with her I asked him if he recognized me and surprisingly he did. Afterward we even did a friendship handshake when we finished talking and went to class. So I am not sure.

  10. Belle says:

    Thank you for this article, I've just currently lost my best friend and she turned all my other friends against me, so I've just been looking up things and this has been the best. Thank you <3

  11. happyhollyproject says:

    I recall a time over 25 years ago when I lost all that I had ever used to identify myself. And there were continual trips to judges courtesy of a vindictive ex. Long story. Should probably write here.

    At the time, a friend was speaking in front of a large group … with me standing in the back listening to his words of inspiration … when suddenly he pointed to me and said "And if I had to go through what THAT woman has been going through, I'd just stick my head in the oven and turn on the gas!"

    I got through the time with lots of tears … but with the support of some new friends. A universal truth I discovered, and have rediscovered, and you are in the middle of discovering. In times of abject desperation, we do not get help in the places we would have expected. And help comes from places we would have never dreamed possible.

    Make new friends … using the lessons hard learned. And good luck!

  12. Gypsy says:

    So refreshed to come across this article, thanks for sharing. A girlfriend if 15 years recently wrote to me, unloaded a pile of hurtful stuff (some made sense some totally didn’t!) and then said she needed time out from me as our friendship no longer served her… but she hoped we could catch up down the track. I’m afraid it hurt me so much (particularly that she never gave me the respect of a personal conversation) that I felt clear that I could probably never trust in our friendship again. So I said goodbye. And I don’t regret it.

    I don’t do ‘conditional’ friendships.

    Yes it still hurts, I grieved like I would losing a relationship with a lover, and I have felt incredibly confused. A whirlwind of emotions. And Yes I can also see the lessons and be grateful for these. But still, more than anything I am clear that true friends are able to ride the waves with you. And for whatever reason, she couldn’t. It’s incredibly disappointing, painful and confusing and unable to find forgiveness just yet. Maybe one day.

    This article made me realise I am not alone in this experience, thank you. Wishing you all a lifetime of loving nourishing friendships

  13. Beth says:

    Thank you. "Abject desperation" really sucks beyond words, especially when unfounded/unjust. Your words have helped at least a teeny bit at this time.

  14. trin says:

    Amber these people have given you the opportunity to find and develop friendships with people that work on the same energy level as yourself. Leave the people with their negativity and bitterness and let go with love and know that they have to live with their shite and you do not. It's a blessing when we can move away far enough to see we no longer have to be tied to people. People come and go whether it's by choice or illness or distance. I've lost a person I thought was a forever friend and it broke my heart until I gave her up with love and opened my life to make a space for people to come in and for me to move forward. I will always treasure most of our friendship but until I was out of it I couldn't see how it was holding me back and how unhealthy it had been. Blessings

  15. cwg3 says:

    This was timely and well needed. I ended a friendship today. We'd not spoken for a long while. It hurt but I feel it was the best thing for me. I believe in compromise and reciprocity while he did not. He betrayed me once too many. How can you forgive one who never apologizes. I simply told him that we have different ideas about friendship and his wasn't working for me. We wished each other well and said goodbye. I feel more sad for him than I do for me. Am I jerk?

  16. SS says:

    I went through the exact situation (almost)! Girlfriend of 10 years and basically said “she needed to figure out the value of our friendship”, using small meaningless examples of me being less than stellar to justify her unfriending me. IT definitely does sting and I hope to get to that etheral, peaceful place of wishing her love and lots of light – but I won’t lie, I’m just not there yet. I think I was super blindsided and in the friendship zone, I feel slightly stuck. I don’t have the same large network that she does and I think it definitely hinders my progression forward. Each day gets better and I’ve learned quite a bit, but I am grateful for the friends I do have and the clarity its brought me within myself. One day I’ll look back at this and know it was a huge turning point in my life and teach my daughters about the value of a true friend.


  17. Che says:

    So true! Thank you for this!

  18. hjk says:

    No you aren't.

  19. Em says:

    I recently moved home from university,and a week prior, lost my closest friend, and the rest were turned against me and my words twisted. This article has been fantastic and has shed some serious light on my situation, it’s time to let go and move on, namaste. Life goes on, it’s only up from here

  20. Sham says:

    Wow I really liked this article. It came at a good time. I have just experienced this it’s the worst thing. Pretty sure worse than a bad break up. I lost a childhood friend ship. I opened up and confided that I was depressed after being diagnosed with celiac disease. ..a very hard thing to transition to. After that I felt pity from her. I didn’t get the support I wanted from her. I lived with my cousin at the time and they started to get close, after a long time I felt she used me to get to him . He would be gone for work and as soon as he’s home she calls me to hang out and come over. She wouldn’t take no for an answer when I wasn’t feeling good and just didn’t want to go out. But she insisted so she could come see my roommate… he was my cousin..so in some weird fucked up way neither would admit they liked each other, instead they just screwed around… for 4 YEARS till I finally got fed up and moved out cause I just needed space from a friend that just would respect my space. 6 years I have moved out and she hasn’t stepped food in my place. Our friendship was ruined and I felt used. Now that she’s finally married my cousin I feel obligated to be friends to strike up a conversation even though I feel hurt, and used. I need to somehow forgive and forget and accept that she doesn’t want to be friends with me. It’s fucked up cause she will text me and say “hey friend I am expecting a baby!” I get weak and text her back a couple times thinking we are going to have some sort of relationship again . And I get no response. I get rejected numerous times and I don’t understand why I keep going back!! Now I find it hard to trust other people, to befriend others cause I have felt soooooooo hurt by everything. The worst part now is having to go to family gatherings feelings obligated to talk to her for the sake of saving face. Should I feel obligated? Or just say hi and that’s good enough? I am sorry if half of this doesn’t make sense. My mind is racing and I needed to get it out. If anyone out there actually read to the end of this, I thank you 🙂

  21. Seen the light says:

    I had a similar situation with a so called good friend of seven years in the area of thinking we would be friends again and then nothing, There are very cruel ,sociopathic people in this world who dangle a carrot, get the predicted response and then punish the friend all over again. Fortunately for me this friend isn't family but she is a twisted human being devoid of empathy. I am ashamed that I resorted to go to her level but am working hard to move on.. You should just say hello and walk on. It is hard because you once were close but it sounds like she was using you, just as i