April 26, 2013

Is it Love or Desperation?

Photo: Leland Francisco

Desperate is the word no one wants to admit to being!

Unless you’re Indiana Jones!

And what’s the difference between being desperate and experiencing desperate circumstances.

Does it always mean we’re willing to do just about anything to have what we crave, but yet, if so, wouldn’t that mean we have just as much drive to remove ourselves (if we can) from extraordinarily difficult circumstances?

Just like love and desperation.Two completely different things.

An outside observer probably won’t see the difference: “Desperate is as desperate does.” 

Desperate circumstances, defined as: our house burning down, being wrongly imprisoned in a foreign jail, financially drowning in debt, being unemployed and penniless, being kept apart from our loved one through extenuating circumstances or perhaps, our spouse just ran off with our best friend. To everyone around us, it may appear we look desperate.

Just because our circumstances look like hell, doesn’t mean we feel it.

In fact an indicator of how we feel, depends on our self-awareness, inner peace, self-love, faith, trust and belief in how much we allow the impact of our external environment to our inner life.

Our choices match our belief system. Sometimes it’s not so clear to us and we confuse desperation with love.

Being in a state of desperation inside of us, because we can’t have what we want…that’s a whole other nut to crack. Some of us look like big nuts that are cracking up when in this state.

We may even confuse love with desperation.

I must have him or her!

I can’t live without you!

I thought we’d end up together! I’ll never be with anyone else again!

You have to be with me! We’re soul-mates!

You’re killing me! I will kill myself!

When things don’t look so rosy, even if we don’t say these things out loud and they’re whispers in our mind, or we call up a psychic hundreds of times to make sure “Yes, this is my life partner,” …it’s not love.

We desperately want what we cannot have right now.

Desperation is clearly defined by the actions we take. Our words can sound and feel desperate, but what is it we do?

The term crazy in love or crazy for love, ain’t about love, but the desperation to fulfill a hope or desire with that person.

Our state of being tells us if it’s love or desperation. If we feel the relationship must be a certain way as though our very breath depends on it….it’s not love.

When there’s a heightened state of anxiety, because of possible loss and we can’t think straight, it’s not love.

When we have our focus so outside of ourselves based on the whims, actions and words of another, it’s not love.

It’s a pattern, rut, and belief that keeps us from being in control of ourselves, in turn we become desperate to hold on, force, push or guarantee we’ll control the person in front of us. They can’t leave!

If we find ourselves feeling outside of our bodies, as though we’re dying or ruined; what can we do?

1. Take a deep breath. Sit down and focus on our feet.

Yeah…pick a body part and see the life in it, feel the calm that we are as a living being. I used to lay on my bed and realize nothing bad was going to happen to me, when I placed my focus inward, starting with my feet to my head. Calming down to get clarity is a great place to start.

2. Get clear.

If we feel a little less anxious, we can take the opportunity to ask about our feelings. Not what we want, but what is the feeling? A connection? Where does it originate? In our mind, heart, solar plexus….where? This may take time to uncover, but it’s the key to knowing what’s driving us.

3. Chat it up.

Talking to someone who we trust and who knows us, is optimum. The opportunity to hear another perspective can help, but rather it allows us to say the unwanted, scary stuff lodged inside and become less encumbered.

4. Limiting Belief System Syndrome.

Why we feel desperate comes from our conditioning and re-conditioning that we experience over time, because of the situations we set up to reinforce our limiting belief system. Change comes through awareness with action to change our perception.

5. This is Temporary.

Once we have awareness of what we’re dealing with inside, change starts to happen. We can see this as a place we’re visiting rather than a place we live. Reminding ourselves over and over if we must, this too shall pass as we start to move back into our bodies and away from desperation.


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Ed: Kate Bartolotta


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