May 4, 2013

3 Reasons Why Our Relationships Cause Us Grief.

Often when we are dealing with issues in a relationship, we look to the other person as the source of our grief. We think or believe we’re doing everything we can and the other person is lazy or doesn’t care.

Not true.

They may care as much or even more than us—we can’t measure it; we don’t know. We can only assure ourselves that we’re lovable and love ourselves by recognizing why we usually will take responsibility by saying, “I know my part, that I’m dealing with, but she/he, they just don’t get it!” 

Sound familiar?

Whether we’re in a relationship or not, do any of the following apply…

A cycle of:

  • – Unfulfilling relationships
  • – Battling with our partner over their habits
  • – Fixing our relationships
  • – Wanting our partner to change
  • – Ending up with the same issues with each relationship

We have a lot of excuses as to why some of these cycles apply to our love lives. As most of us know, deep in our hearts, it starts with us.

There is freedom, but it requires courage and visiting those places in ourselves that we may prefer to keep in hiding.

We may not like what we see and some of the truth may be difficult to swallow, but…it’s where the rock may start to loosen itself from inside of our shoes.

Once we have the clarity to get out of our own way, we stop making judgements that we don’t even know we’re making, and get the life and love relationship we want.

It’s all related, how we perceive ourselves in this world is universal , not just in one area of our life.

An example:

Even if we’re successful at work, what is it that created that success—drive or passion? Are we trying to prove something or does the success come from loving what we do?

There’s a difference and it all has to with what we believe about ourselves and this world. 

When we are in pain or anger about our relationships, we may not see how we’re causing it too. We don’t even see why we cause it and we go about these cycles, which are frustrating and make us feel insane.

Three reasons our relationships cause us grief:

1. Analyzing Our Relationship Creates Assumptions

This never leads anywhere positive; all it helps to do is feed the fuel to the flame of why we’re pissed off at the person. We do it as a way to build a case against them. We mentally list everything they do wrong or how we are unsatisfied and prove to ourselves what a saint we are or what a victim me are to their machinations.

Give our brain a rest; all that energy can be reinvested in things that make us feel good!

Besides, does this ever work as a way to promote a healthy, happy relationship? Not many that I have witnessed.

2. Putting a Tablecloth Over Anything that Smells Bad

Don’t sweep that little bit of dirt under the proverbial carpet. Talk about it while it’s still a small pile, get the dustpan and dump it in the trashcan. And please, don’t ignore the circus animals (aka the elephant in the room); we have to acknowledge them and set them free.

When we’re so busy trying to make sure someone doesn’t leave us, by keeping everything calm, we’re actually undermining the relationship. Even more awesome is that we tend to do this more when the person we’re facing matches us in the fear of abandonment. They may have one foot out the door, so we figure if we’re good little boys or girls…they will stay.

Be honest, say the truth. Whether they stay or go has little to do with us. It has to do with their own ability to deal.

3. Not knowing the goal

That’s right.

We get in relationships for a variety of reasons. Do we admit the truth to ourselves? Safety, financial security, someone new to leave me or remind me of what’s wrong with me, to get married, having someone to do things for us and with us? Seriously, in troubled relationships these real reasons are put ahead of the real goal: love. Loving ourselves and loving someone else while committing to that love.

Human beings were created with love, to be love, give love and receive love. So, why so many stumbling blocks to allowing love? Because of all the reasons in our heads—and that little thing called fear of disappointment when being open and vulnerable.

So getting over ourselves by talking and removing the mental gymnastics is key while connecting to the goal (love). We’ll move our relationships to a special, treasured, loving place and out of the battle zone.


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Ed: Brianna Bemel

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