Moms that take care of themselves take better care of their children…
I have a great relationship with my mother; in fact all of my three sisters do too. We jokingly call her the ‘Guru-Ma’—the all-knowing wise woman. Looking back at our lives together, I have come to realize the number of important life lessons she has taught me are countless. This list could be pages long in fact.
As we approach Mother’s Day, I wanted to share what I feel are some of the most important. So many mothers (moms to be, new moms and even moms of 30+ years) struggle with putting others’ needs ahead of their own and have feelings of guilt. I believe what I learned from my mom can be an inspiration to all.
1. Take good care of yourself.
Many moms who come to my studio tell me they find it really challenging to make time for yoga class when they have kids…and then when they do come, they feel badly that they are going to class instead of being with them.
Taking care of yourself is one of the biggest gifts you can give your kids. Yes, taking care of yourself!
When my sisters and I were still very little (all under 10) our house was full of crazy! There were four of us girls (one who was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes at age two). My mom had just started a business of her own which literally had an office in our basement—and our dad was no Mr. Mom.
With all that swirled around her, I remember on Saturday mornings my mom would head out. She wouldn’t wash the dishes from breakfast, she didn’t really care if we were dressed or not, she just would kiss us good bye and take off, leaving us with our dad.
One of us would always be crying at her feet as she would be heading out the door, but out the door she went. As soon as the door closed behind her, my sisters and I had a ball! We’d run around the house, play pretend, get outside in the mud and just had fun, not thinking about her at all. When our mom came back she was always glowing and more relaxed.
As the pattern continued, we made the connection that “exercise at Dunpheys” made our mom happy, which in turn made our entire household happy!
She continued to role model taking care of oneself for us. She learned Transcendental Meditation (TM) and it became a household rule that when mom meditated we’d be quiet. Even our friends, and yes at times that meant eight kids in the house, each of us with a friend, knew ‘TM time’ meant quiet time. We learned to respect her needs.
Although we might not have been able to put it into words back then, we understood that when mom took care of herself she was more present when she was with us; she wasn’t as distracted or stressed. And to note, today each of us sisters exercise and meditate almost daily.
2. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness but of strength.
Help is always available.
Moms don’t suffer from having to juggle a lot (that is the fun of life), moms suffer because they believe they need to do it alone. After our parents’ divorce, my mom, out of sheer need (four kids remember), was able to ask for help. She enlisted her sister, our uncles, our grandparents and nannies to help her raise us. When she would go off to work and leave us with Buba (grandma) and Bocius (grandpa) we didn’t feel less loved; in fact it made us feel more loved.
We always knew as kids someone was watching out for us and had our back. We also got to learn so much from the richness of our relationship with our extended family. But there were countless other ways my mom taught me that asking for help is the only way to have your needs met. When two of us were in really big transitions, she dreamed of sending us to a private girls’ school. She knew she wanted this for us. The school would not only support our growth, but also help her raise us because of its structure.
In many ways getting us into the school was as much of a good thing for us as it was for her (a busy single working mom). Being a private school, there was no way she could afford to send us. Instead of seeing this as a block, she asked for help. As our luck would have it, the school granted us financial aid and scholarships. I loved my school! It was some of the most amazing years of my childhood. From watching my mom ask for help, I got it: if you don’t ask, you’ll never know.
Asking for help is even one of the foundations of our Health Yoga Life Coaching’s “Emotional ResponsibilityTM Method.” By asking for coaching you are asking for help and support in making healthy changes for yourself, thus taking the steps toward full self-responsibility. Sometimes we don’t ask for help because we perceive it as not available. Start looking around for help and you will see it everywhere.
3. The Power of Sorry.
There were the moms that made it to every sports game and then…there was my mom.
I think she made it to one of my games and maybe a few of my sisters’. There were the moms who picked up their kids right on time every time. Lots of times my mom was late, but one of the bests was when she was a whole two hours late, and to top it off, she was at the wrong school!
The thing about it is that my mom would always (and still does) say sorry. She was genuinely sorry if our feelings were hurt, she was genuinely sorry if she misunderstood or was given conflicting information, but the secret is she didn’t feel guilty. The truth is, in life you will sometimes have to be in two places at once, or a work meeting will take priority, or you will make a mistake.
Be sorry not guilty.
I still observe this amazing gift my mom has to say sorry to just level the playing to field. She makes whoever she is ‘disagreeing’ with feel and understand that the relationship matters more than which person is right or wrong.
And fyi, for all you moms out there who feel guilty when you miss a child’s ‘important’ game, recital or school function, I used to think my mom was way cool that she couldn’t come to my games because she was working—and now my sisters and I own our own business!
This Mother’s Day, as with every Mother’s Day, I will celebrate my mother and the powerful love my sisters and I share with her. I encourage all women to learn to take care of themselves, to ask for help and give up the ‘guilties.’ As you do so, you set an example for others to do the same.
Vyda Bielkus and her sisters Aida, Zara, and Siga are committed to transforming their own lives and the lives of others through yoga and Health Yoga Life Coaching every day. The sisters own and operate the Health Yoga Life studio in Boston. However they work with clients from all over the world who they coach, and train to become coaches, in their coaching methodology. Together they created the Emotional Responsibility MethodTM to help people shift from reactivity to action. They believe that empowerment and happiness are an achievable aim for everyone they meet. Their offerings include Yoga Teacher Trainings (200 hour and 500 hour), Health Yoga Life Coach Trainings and Workshops/Retreats and Consulting. Learn more at www.healthyogalife.com and www.independentyogi.com.
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Assistant Editor: Jennifer Townsend/Ed: Kate Bartolotta