June 20, 2013

5 Traits of a Good Relationship.

Once we really check into what it takes to be happy with ourselves, we can really illuminate that light in our relationships too.

Personally, I used to have a high ideal as to what it took for me to be happy on my own, let alone wanting to meet someone who was supposed to make me feel good.

Bit by bit, as I moseyed on the journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance, I found the perfect idea of myself and a partner to be based on a some sort of Greek myth.

It was disconcerting to turn the attention inward, rather than continue focusing outward in the hope of someone filling up emptiness that clearly wasn’t meant for him.

I decided to appreciate things as they were and find my own happiness in that moment. I developed a connection with how short life is and for me to not spend my time, feeling sorry for the relationships I endured and the ones I couldn’t achieve.

As I started this new love affair with myself, dating medigging me in fits and starts, it became more consistent over time. Things finally were groovy when it came to my expectations, my desires and what I believed a real (not the fiction that once took space in my head) relationship could offer me.

I learned the how to in loveas I also knew love was at the basis for well-being.

Here’s a brief glimpse of what I’ve found makes for a genuinely good relationship.

1. Jump back and kiss ourselves

Besides finding someone else we want to kiss, being good with ourselves and finding a partner who is fairly good with themselves leads to lots of kissing!

Ditching all of our items on the negative self-checklist isn’t necessary, but acknowledge that they exist. Accept, don’t judge and when we want to judge, allow the urge to pass. It helps nothing and no one to criticize or make our partner feel bad for who they are….remember the goal is love, not assassination.

Focusing on the whole, allows for each individual to grow within themselves and within the relationship.

2. Comfort in the skin

Two people who are comfy, cozy in their skin together can play on the same team.

Confidence and being true to who we are can keep the little demons in their place. When insecurities arise, having the confidence to admit it and not fear rejection is huge. Also, having the confidence to not expect our partner to fix it and practicing mindfulness score a major bonus!

3. Friendship

Sounds boring to some, but really…wouldn’t we want to have our best friend by our side as we go through this life?

The one we can play and laugh with, explore, be silly, love, share, support and optimally, treat each other with that deep regard, the respect and kindness we each deserve?

It’s what gets us through those times of walking on a tight wire.

4. Pull the Weeds (aka expectations)

True happiness means we’re not relying on someone else to make our day.

It doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t do something to make us feel a sense of appreciation, excitement or passion….it means, that we’re okay whether they’re lighting our fire or something else has their focus. Each of our worlds doesn’t revolve around what each does or doesn’t do for the other. It’s realistic; it’s not based on a fantasy of how one’s partner is supposed to act and be. It gives freedom so both of us can give and receive fully without expectations.

There’s no pushing or forcing one’s agenda on the other, because we don’t need them to be our bandaid.

5. Zesty Passion

Oooo Laa Laa! Yummy stuff!

Not only do two people who aren’t beating their partner up with their baggage have more passion for each other, but they also share a zesty passion for life!

Life becomes a sexy, sensual exploration whether it’s in the bedroom, or trying new things, which can lead us to our dreams. This type of zest is what keeps us young, looking to learn, finding the dark hidden spaces to not be so scary and we get to share it with our best friend!

How much fun can we have in this lifetime?

This list is handy, whether we’re single or in a relationship; we can begin today to create those things in our life.

Awareness can shift our perception to open us to creating more possibilities within our relationships!



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Ed: Bryonie Wise

Image: Pexels

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latetotheparty Jun 4, 2014 9:37am

There is a very fine line between selfishness and 'self-care'. Be aware of where that line is. Some have written that there is no such thing as an unselfish act, even in giving to charity we manage to make ourselves feel good. Judgement is a survival biology, self protective perspective, one that should not be discounted, we can be aware (perhaps not voiced but thought) of our values and our instincts in how they combine to tell us whether we have balance in our lives or not. It's not likely a good thing to set aside values in favour of kisses. In fact completely illogical. Look to the longevity of relationships around you and discover the ebb and flow, the notion of romantic love is only a small part of what healthy relationships are. As we age, we change, remaining with the same partner requires a lot of self awareness and the freedom to ask for what we want, including asking that certain rules be adhered to and asking our behaviours each match our stated values. If one or the other persons in a relationship stops doing, there is nothing that can be done to sustain the partnership. Partnerships are a thing, its not about who we are as people in the moment except, of course it is. The agreement to begin a relationship as partners we need to make sure we step up to honour ourselves and the agreement at once.

notabuddha Jun 3, 2014 11:02am

I don't usually post in blogs. just want to save you from an unrealistic expectation of a long term relationship. a long relationship is all about balance. nothing has equilibrium 24/7, it's a long game, based on love, tolerance, forgiveness, growth, lack of judgement, and change. it's not about who you are NOW and ensuring that is maintained at all costs. think bamboo

DJTankGirl Feb 19, 2014 12:49pm

For the past 32 years, I have catered to others, cared for them, loved them with contstant sacrifice and selflessness. Then over the last 6 months, I have realized that I have fundamentally been lacking in my own self-love and self-care. This was NOT okay with me. Three weeks ago, I chose to end my relationship of 9.5 years to follow my dreams, my "thunder", and journey into myself. Self-care is important – not selfish, but I have been declared as selfish for doing so. We only have one life to live and if we cannot love ourselves, how would we ever be capable of loving others fully? 2014 marks my journey into a new me, a new future, and I'm excited about the many possibilties before me.

Re-evaluating your life to find what you want is not selfish. Growing out of things is normal and healthy – stagnation is toxic. Never sacrifice who you want to be, what you KNOW you deserve in your life, and never give up on yourself!

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Tracy Crossley

Tracy Crossley is a Behavioral Relationship Expert whose work centers on emotional connection—with ourselves and others. She helps people get out of their head to uncover the belief system that drives their behavior, then guides them through emotionally-driven actions to break the patterns that keep them stuck. As someone who struggled with insecure attachment issues for most of her life, Tracy shares her experiences with equal parts empathy and humor. She’s been there and knows how much is available to those who refuse to settle. The work she does leads to self-acceptance, emotional freedom and more authentic life. Learn more about Tracy and the work she does. You can find her on social media, her facebook page, Instagram and on twitter. She also has a free weekly podcast “Deal With It” where she talks about Insecure Attachment, the drama triangle and all the emotional issues that bog us down.