I’m Sorry I Love You Too Much.

Via Jennifer S. White
on Jul 21, 2013
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Love isn’t static.

It swirls around you like balmy air sent up from the south.

The wind catches your hair, and a few strands stick in the moist crease of your lips. You reach with your hand to move it, but you don’t have to because he gets there first and brushes it aside.

He gently touches your cheek with his slightly coarse fingertips (from working on his bikes in the garage).

You look up into his eyes (he doesn’t have to tilt your chin to him with his hand because you’re assertive enough to move yourself), and your shared gaze lingers a beat past your comfort zone—and in that moment you learn a lot.

You learn that you’re vulnerable, and that you need him—and you think you saw that he’s not as afraid of this as you are.

He’s not afraid to be vulnerable, because he’s naturally confident and understands his emotions much better than you know you’ll ever understand your own, and it’s not because you don’t want to be raw and open and accessible—it’s just because you’re scared.

What are you afraid of?

Are you afraid that he’ll hurt you?

No, that’s not it.

Are you afraid that he’ll leave?

No, he’ll never do that.

Are you afraid of death?

Partially. That’s the only way he would walk away from you, and you both know it.

Yet, that’s still not it.

But you know it’s this fear that makes you pull away‚ that encourages you to fight with him when you don’t even want to (when there’s nothing really to fight about).

And tears are streaming down your face, but you’re not sure why.

Maybe it’s because you yelled at him this morning when he didn’t deserve it. Maybe it’s because you know that you were wrong, that you’re needy and hot headed—and that this combination is unstable.

Maybe you’re afraid because you know that you aren’t stable without him, that you need him, because without him the ground is too shaky to walk on.

And it’s scary to need someone to hold you—and sometimes carry you—across that trembling surface.

It’s unnerving that in this huge, whole world there’s only one person that you want to hold your hand, and that if he wasn’t there to kiss your cheek and gently stroke your thigh right before you both fall asleep together, that this world would fall apart, that you would fall apart.

Because you’re strong.

You’re aggressive—but that was a lie. He often has to pull your chin up, and then he has to force you to look him in the eye, because you look away.

Sometimes it feels easier to look away and pretend that you’re whole enough without him—and maybe you are…enough.

And now the tears are dripping down your nose and falling into the crease of your lips and he’s not there to reach over first and dry them because he’s already gone to bed—he was too tired tonight to deal with your moods.

And you’re sorry.

You’re sorry that you screamed, and you’re sorry that you lied (with your eyes and your cocky stance) because you do need him.

He’s the air that you breathe. He’s the water that you drink. He’s the hole in your heart where it aches after you’ve hurt him.

Your heavy tears splash onto your keyboard and you get up for a tissue, but settle instead for a napkin because you can’t see anymore and the tissues are all the way down the hall (and besides, you don’t want to walk past the bedroom and wake him up).

But it’s okay. Soon you’ll crawl into bed after you’ve turned off the light that he kept on for you, waiting.

And in the morning he’ll reach over and touch your cheek and caress your thigh where he didn’t get to the night before.

And he knows that you lied to him (with your angry words and your haughty heart), because to him you’re see through.

He knows that he’s your world because you’re his too—and that’s enough.


We have to love ourselves before others will:

Author: Jennifer S. White

Editor: B. Bemel


About Jennifer S. White

Jennifer S. White is a voracious reader, obsessive writer, passionate yoga instructor and drinker of hoppy ales. She’s also a devoted mama and wife (a stay-at-home yogi). She considers herself to be one of the funniest people who ever lived and she’s also an identical twin. In addition to her work on elephant journal, Jennifer has over 40 articles published on the wellness website MindBodyGreen and her yoga-themed column Your Personal Yogi ran in the newspaper Toledo Free Press. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in geology, absolutely no degrees in anything related to literature, and she currently owns a wheel of cheese. If you want to learn more about Jennifer, make sure to check out her writing, as she’s finally put her tendencies to over-think and over-share to good use. Jennifer is the author of The Best Day of Your Life, available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. She's also as excited as a five year old to announce the release of her second book, The Art of Parenting: Love Letters from a Mother, available on Amazon.


47 Responses to “I’m Sorry I Love You Too Much.”

  1. bneal817 says:

    Oh, Jennifer… you're heart-stuff pours out in every word you write. I feel it. It's beautiful. Great piece!

  2. Ben, thank you, thank you, thank you.

    I think, ironically, these imperfect moments of love are what make it profoundly meaningful (and beautiful).

  3. Zoe says:

    This is so beautiful. It's a heart opener and a keeper.

  4. Zoe, thank you. I sincerely appreciate your feedback.

  5. Miluska says:

    This is just so beautiful. Amazing.

  6. Ali says:

    This is so relatable! I enjoyed reading every last word.. It is so meaningful when you say and he left the light on for you.. that's it right there!

  7. Paul says:

    Thank you–beautiful , transparent–beautifully transparent. Courageous .

  8. Jen says:

    Wow, the tears are streaming down my face after reading this. Thank you.

  9. Thanks, Ali, it really is those little things that help us define and explain our love isn't it? One gesture can say so much. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.

  10. Thanks, Paul. I guess it definitely is transparent, isn't it? Love gives me courage.

  11. Thank you, Jen. I am sincerely honored that this touched you.

  12. Sheng says:

    Hi Jen, I must thank you for writing this piece. I stumbled upon this and read it. I felt as though the words, thoughts and feelings were plucked from my heart and mind as I was reading it. Was it by coincidence that I stumbled in here and found this to read? I didn't realize that I have been searching. Again, thank you.

  13. Sheng, I just received a similar comment about coincidences and writing/reading on my personal FB page, and that's an interesting thought. (That coincidences are not chance encounters.) When I wrote this and decided to submit it, I thought that, surely, there are others out there who feel this way too, because it's my experience that we're not alone, we're just made to feel alone in our hoarding of our deepest and most uncomfortable emotions. I'm glad you stumbled upon this, I'm glad you read it and, moreover, I'm glad you took the time to comment. Thank you.

  14. elephantjournal says:

    Love, love and more love. You are magic and this beautiful. Thank you for cracking open your heart (even more). xo Bryonie

  15. I am so inspired by your writing, Bryonie. You're honest and raw and gorgeous, but I'm also inspired by you in life. You're sweet and I can tell that you try to be your best self. You're a soul sister. xo

  16. Chekov's Gun says:

    I think that, although he /might/ know "that you lied to him (with your angry words and your haughty heart), because to him you’re see through", he may still need to hear you acknowledge it, at least from time to time. What do you think?

  17. Jade says:

    This nearly made me cry… You are one with words, Jennifer.
    Finally something that gave me some truthful insight on the way die hard love goes

  18. jane says:

    An inspiring and beautiful departure from lists. You capture the pain and generosity of love and being human.

  19. Absolutely—which is why I wrote this for him.

  20. Thanks, Jade. Sincerely. Love isn't always fluffy and flirty and pretty, but if it was easy then it wouldn't be so meaningful and it wouldn't teach us so much.

  21. Thanks, Jane. While I certainly enjoying sharing my lists (because I generally am playful and sarcastic in them), my heart lies in writing articles like this. These are the ones, at the end of the day, that I'm proud of whether highly viewed or not.

  22. Clare says:

    WOW! That was beautiful!!

  23. Paula says:

    I think it's a really pretty piece of writing.

    The part about "are you afraid he'll leave" is kind of weird to me though. Things change and shit happens. When I hear people say the "never" word in their relationships it gives me pause.

    I actually find some peace in not taking for granted that that another person will always be there.

  24. I like your perspective. I think it helps to not take people for granted (but I know he won't leave).

  25. Thank you, Clare!

  26. jleste01 says:

    Really liked this piece. I am a guy but a true romantic at heart. Us guys feel the same as this but we are expected to be more tough but at times like this we are crying on the inside and want/need our woman to come to us. and say I love you too.

  27. Noemi says:

    I perfectly understand, I felt it, I know it. I live something very similar with my boyfriend, that I hurted a lot and loved a lot (and I still do!). It's hard and wonderful.. I'm so scared.

  28. Lucy says:

    Have you tried therapy? Because it's really not healthy to expect one person to be your everything like that. This sounds like an unhealthy relationship. And I can relate, because I've been the yelling scary crying partner, and hated that part of myself and knew it was unhealthy. Now I aim to create a life that's a bit more balanced, where I'm with someone because we're good together and because we want to be with one another, not because we're co-dependent, and where my life is full of other people and experiences, as well.

  29. Anonymous says:

    I had a man turn me from a strong woman into that scared, needy girl. I trusted him so much that I lowered my guard, and then he hurt me so badly that I don't know how long it will take to recover. I will be that scared, needy girl who might not be able to trust or love anyone that way again.

  30. cat says:

    amazing words coming right from a writer who words it perfect and doesn't look to glorify the simplicity that's involved when a guy truly loves his woman, knows how to handle her, knows how to forget her errors and knows that's she is still all he needs and wants day after day.

  31. Brit says:

    I don’t have more else to say than, to me, that was the most heartfelt article I have read.

    Great read. I’m in tears. Thanks Jennifer

  32. Nicole says:

    Yes I was thinking this. Not about the needing therapy part per se, I think people can make a lot of changes on their own if they choose to. But about the part where it isn't fair to someone else to have to be all those things all the time. I am currently in a similar situation, and I don't want to have to send myself to bed some nights to avoid his moods. Or put myself second all the time to his "lies". It's exhausting and really dimming my inner light that I usually like so much about myself.

  33. Shretima says:

    Terrific! Beautifully expressed.

  34. Luke says:

    I was sent this by someone who Loved me, and then she went away.

  35. Lee says:

    Luke. I still love you. I don’t want to go away. I want to stay with you forever like we said. I love you so much. It’s scary

  36. Lee says:

    I sent this to Luke (above). I want him to know I love him and that I’m sorry. And I want him back

  37. Kathy says:

    Your words peirced my heart. You said what I could not find the words to say. How could you know what I try so hard to hide every time I see his sweet face? You are truly a writer that speaks from the very soul. Beautiful. Thank you.

  38. Shri says:

    That was just beautiful

  39. Ania says:

    I’m in the situation right now where if I don’t accept and welcome the idea that I can be whole without my partner, without the “love of my life” that decided to split with me but says that he still loves me – then I will break apart. You never should seek someone to be something that fills your holes. Sometimes they just can be wiser than you and decide to set you free. For me, emotionally, life is emptiness without him now. But, suprise, emotional reactions don’t have to be healthy. They can be misguided. I think the aim of people in general should be to be able to function on their own, as well as in relationships/society. Otherwise we are just seeking to fulfill our egoistic needs, we don’t love really, we just need help… Or am I becoming bitter with sadness already?

  40. haider says:

    nice post thanks so much ^_^

  41. Mankirat says:

    This is such a beautiful piece of art … It took me to those beautiful moments n tore me apart.. Thanking u sincerely for sharing this blog n I do this from d core of my heart ☺️

  42. Gabe says:

    After reading this, I feel as if I’ve been punched in the gut; it reminds me so much of my own thoughts and experience. Falling in love leads to co-dependancy, and ultimately, to bitterness and toxicity when feelings, and people, change.

  43. breana says:

    Wow. Thank you for putting into words how I fee about the one whose held me through all my earthquakes.

  44. Michelle says:

    I love this. It’s everything that I feel and exactly how I write. I love it, thank you!