July 15, 2013

When We Feel Insecure in Our Relationship, We Find Ways to Create Drama.

The source of most drama, which is within our control, often comes from our perception of ourselves and what we believe someone else thinks of us.

Often, drama comes from taking our partner’s actions, distance or silence too personally.

We think we’ve done something wrong.

We may go to the other direction and think of how tired we are of their moodiness, their depression, their insecurities and think they should just get over it!

It may also become a mission for some of us to cure our partner from whatever ails their mental state. We may believe we need to actively do something to get them into some sort of sustained place of joy.

What many of us are not seeing clearly is how much influence we don’t have in changing someone or their mind.

Really, how difficult is it for others to exude that sphere of influence over us?

Nearly impossible—unless we don’t trust ourselves or our feelings and want someone to tell us how to feel.

If we’re influenced by another, is that healthy? What does it say about our insecurities when we allow someone else to determine our happiness or sadness?

If we’re looking for help in shifting our inner life toward true happiness, peace and love, then we need to look at our insecurities, eye to eye, square in the face.

It’s not up to someone else, in any way shape or form, to change us. The responsibility still comes back to sit on our shoulders.

Why do we create so much drama when we realize our partner is not playing with the same rulebook as we are? Why do we take it so personally?

It’s our insecurities stemming from our belief system.

We may believe we have to work hard at being loved. If we have that belief, we usually believe we’re not enough, not worthy or lack some valuable asset that would make us more loveable.

When we watch our partner becoming more distant, being silent or taking actions, which we feel are a personal insult to us, we need to slow our roll and look within.

I had someone in my life whose moods, and his emotional state I allowed to drive me crazy. Yes, crazy! He would ask for my insight and with the line of business I’m in, I felt he could benefit from my helping him shift his perception. Intellectually, he got it!

All of us get it, we’re intelligent creatures. Where we struggle is the connecting of information to our emotions and beliefs.

He told me I helped in so many ways, something about me as the warrior and he’s the caveman (that’s the subject of another article). This wasn’t a position I wanted to hold or continue to create. Once he said those words, I stopped all that energy going out and looked within: What the heck was I doing here? How did I feel?

It felt like crap.

I was attached to him actually getting what I was saying, so he could be happy too.

I was in a state of waiting for his epiphanies and making those shifts.

He did, but at such a slow pace, I had to constantly refocus on my own happiness, to not get caught up in his mental gymnastics. And, much to my chagrin, as this highlights, I was still dealing with a couple of my own beliefs about myself.

I offered him encouragement, but I had attachment.

Once I caught onto what I was doing, I started placing a great deal of self-awareness on my words. Where was my motivation coming from to share with him, to hold on, to hope and be wrapped up in his getting it, finally?

Each time I saw myself needing validation, not feeling like I was enough unless I helped him, I stopped. Cold turkey.

I sat back, relaxed and started to invest even more in my bliss, my joy, and my happiness. I began to revel in my life to such a degree that I saw him start to change his perception.

At that point my goal wasn’t to shift his perception. It was for me to feel good. To not create drama based on someone else’s feelings about himself and to really gain clarity into what I wanted in a relationship and what I was doing in this one.

If we stay committed to our own happiness, no matter what happens in a relationship, it will come from a place of compassion rather than drama.

We all have insecurities. It’s important to see how they undermine relationships and cause drama. We need to get out of our comfort zone and start recognizing and acknowledging our insecurities. We can state them to our partner who may be relieved to find it is not just them, but us who are contributing to the drama.


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Ed: B. Bemel

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