Why Sexting is Cheating.

Via Kimberly Lo
on Jul 25, 2013
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What Counts as Cheating?

Poor Huma Abedin.

I have no idea what she is like in private, but I cannot help but feel overwhelming sense of sympathy for her each time she stands by the side of her husband, former Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY), and current NYC mayoral candidate, as he explains his habit of sending racy messages and pictures of his genitalia to other women.

All joking aside—and it’s hard not to in this situation, given that Weiner’s most recent conference took place on National Hot Dog Day, of all days, the last name of the woman he supposedly sent the messages to is “Leathers,” and his beyond cheesy handle “Carlos Danger”—the situation has left me and others to wonder: is sexting actually cheating?

Legally, speaking, the answer is probably no. After all, there is no actual sex taking place. Emotionally, though, that is another story.

Recently, I took an informal, non-scientific survey, and, overwhelming, the people I asked answered that question with a resounding “yes.” One person even said that she would be more upset over a sexting affair than a one-night stand. Another noted that once the genie is out of the bottle, it’s hard to put it back in. Per her “once one relationship taboo is broken, then it’s so much easier to go a little further each time.” Words become pictures, pictures become calls, calls turn into “What if we met? Just the once, just to see… ?” And then soon after, you have a full blown physical affair on your hands.

I agree with her.

However, I also know others who don’t see sexting as cheating.

About a year ago, I became acquainted with one woman who, despite having briefly left her husband for another man, she “fell in love with” primarily over email saw sexting as a tool to “keep the passion alive” in her marriage. In her case, she and another man who lived across the country exchanged racy photos and texts on a regular weekly basis. I don’t know if her husband knew about this, but I thought that at the very least, the relationship she and he had was not nearly as great as she claimed it was given how she reached out to other men on two separate occasions. I don’t think it was necessarily sex either.

While she and others maintain there is no cheating if there is no physical contact, I argue it is and far from spicing up a marriage; sexting is a clear sign that there are serious problems in a relationship that go well beyond sex.

At the very least, there is a level of deceit going on. Telling your spouse that you have a friendship with another person is a lot different than telling him the two of you are exchanging sexually explicit words and pictures. I have never had a problem if any of the men I have been involved with had friends of the opposite sex, but just the idea that they were exchanging in the sort of behavior that Weiner has would be enough to make me see red.

Frankly, I would prefer my partner have sex with that other person, because at least then he would have to acknowledge it was cheating.

While some may argue that it’s not that much different from watching porn, it is. At least when someone pops in a Jenna Jameson DVD they never realistically expect to meet or establish any sort of relationship with Jameson. They know she is a fantasy. Sexting, no matter how “light” the relationship, is still a relationship much in the same way that it’s still a relationship even when people agree to meet just for sex.

In today’s world where everyone and their grandmother is plugged in and online, you hear a lot of people lament the lack of intimacy and contact between people.

I have a different take.

I don’t think the technology is to blame.

Rather, I think it reflects the loneliness and disconnect that many people have felt throughout human history. Being in an unhappy relationship is not new. Cheating spouses are nothing new either. While technology may have made it easier to allowed the other spouse to find out about the cheating and unhappiness, an argument can be made that maybe it’s for the better. As much as it hurts to be lied to and find out that your partner was not the man or woman you though they were, it also forces you to face the reality of your situation and decide if you want to stay or not.

Whether or not someone decides to stay is a personal choice. However, I tend to believe it takes a lot of help including help from a professional to re-establish those bounds of trust.

Even if you could, would you want to go through your significant other’s phone, computer, etc. and see every single electronic messages they are sending?

Also, if you happen to be the one sexting you need to be honest and ask yourself what is missing in your current relationship that makes you want to reach out to others?

Unfortunately, there are no easy answers to the questions that I pose and the “delete” button doesn’t always make everything go away.


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 Ed: B. Bemel


About Kimberly Lo

Kimberly Lo is a yoga instructor and freelance editor & writer based in Charlottesville, VA. In her spare time, she enjoys needlework, travel, and photography. Connect with her on Facebook.


7 Responses to “Why Sexting is Cheating.”

  1. kimchicuddles says:

    Monogamous people often make the mistake of assuming agreements have been made without actually putting out the effort to talk about anything with their partner. It is important to discuss your relationship expectations, so that no one gets surprised and upset. What counts as "cheating" varies, depending on the couple's relationship agreements. A desire to sext, flirt, cuddle, or even sleep with other people might be fine with your partner (and depending on their capacity for experiencing sympathetic joy, they might be eager to hear all about it), but you need to talk about it with them BEFORE acting on it!

  2. kimberlylowriter says:

    You have a point. Some couples may be okay with that. Personally, I may not have a desire to be in an open relationship myself, but I feel to each their own. Whatever sorts of relationships consenting adults chose to get into is their own business.

    However, I do feel that in any relationship, most people have an idea of what their partner expects. If it feels like you're doing something wrong, it's probably because you are. I would be quite surprised in most of these people who get caught have partners that would have been okay with them sexting even if they had said, "Hey, I'm going to sent a racy picture to _____. Is it okay?"

  3. kimchicuddles says:

    Yes. What I've always thought was a good rule was "Would I do this IN FRONT of my partner?"… If not, it's probably not ok that you're doing it at all! But some people (for example, all the ones who don't think sexting is cheating) would engage in sexting without thinking about it, without feeling like it was wrong at all. When I was engaging in monogamy, I assumed my partner and I were both on the same page about things we weren't just because of my own beliefs about what relationships "should" be like, and it lead to many arguments and hurt feelings.

    It's good to talk to your partner about all these things in the beginning, so you're on the same page and no one gets hurt feelings. It might feel embarrassing or unnecessary, but effective communication is just as vital in a monogamous relationships as in polyamorous ones. A good way to start would be "Do we want to be monogamous? What does that mean to you? What do you imagine it looking like? Assuming we both understand there's no sex outside of the two of us, how would you feel if I was cuddling a platonic friend of the opposite gender (or the same gender)? How would you feel if I was dancing with a stranger at a club? WHAT counts as "sex" to you?"

  4. Nevanna says:

    Polyamory or open relationships are a whole different animal, imho.

    Having been married to a serial cheater, and had friends who went through the same thing, there are differences. My cheating ex definitely knew I would have a problem…he hid it and lied about it. He also most certainly did not want me doing it.

    Cheating isn’t about conflicting ideas of what a relationship should or should not be…it’s about willfully disrespecting a partner’s boundaries.

  5. Judy says:

    Great post, I do not see anything wrong with sexting. To me it is an innocent way to have fun.

  6. B.C. says:

    Many a cheater legitimately thought the same of one night stands ("she was only a prostitute, it's not like I'd marry her", for example, as if that somehow makes it any better…), before the dawn of the Information Era brought about a new way to get that same "high" from cheating without ever having to admit to a physical affair (as if that somehow makes it any better…).

    What it boils down to is that the breach of trust is just as real as ever, even if the acts are digital instead of physical. So don't be sneaky and do it behind their backs, that is really quite maliciously evil. "What they don't know can't hurt them"… until they eventually find out, and I honestly don't think anyone deserves to find out about that unexpectedly and after the fact, plus the longer the indiscretion the worse the pain. But even if you're upfront about your other relationship and somehow convince them that it is all "innocent", I seriously doubt you'll easily find someone who doesn't secretly harbour resentment for it in the long run. It screams "you aren't good enough for me" in a way that porn really doesn't (establishing actual relationships VS purely fantasy, as touched upon in the original post), which doesn't typically bode well for a happy couple. You may genuinely find someone who shares your opinion, much like how polygamists seek out and enjoy each others' company or consensual swingers casually swap partners, and all the power to the both (or all) of you. But I seriously wouldn't just assume it is okay by default in a monogamous relationship, that is just asking for hardships down the road.

    As always, the key is good communication between you and your partner(s?). Trust is everything.

  7. Giovanna says:

    Every relationship is different. If it has been established in your relationship that it is tolerable/allowed/encouraged to sext others because you have an open relationship or are trying to spice things up, then that is fine. Whatever floats your relationship boat. In my opinion, though, doing anything behind your partners back that involves intimacy of any kind with a separate person, can/should be considered cheating. Now, if my partner were to communicate to me that he was tempted to sext, or even sleep with, some girl/boy because he is feeling unsatisfied, lonely, hurt, etc… then that would allow for some conversation to flow. If you are feeling the need to cheat on your partner in any way, there is something wrong/lacking, and it should be discussed. Maybe then you two can spice up your sex life, or do whatever your partner feels is needed… and if a compromise or solution doesn't arise, then that is your opportunity to end the relationship… not allowing it to go on and fester for years before finally ending it anyways.