6.4
August 9, 2013

Healing the Wound that is Female.

There is a wound in the world that is specific to women and girls. Many of us take a lifetime to figure out what it is.

Every person is born of a woman, but somehow the traditional creation myth was turned around on its head. Women are secondary, if not cursed, via this tradition.

The textbooks that our children read are still almost entirely male-dominated filled with male-accomplishments. Our spiritual communities are still mostly male-led and refer to God as “He.”

Religious thought seeps in early and is very damaging to girls. If God is a man, and “He” is everything that is good and superior, it is easy to conclude that we as women are, in fact, beneath men. Whether you practice a religion or not, this still has a profound effect on our collective thinking.

“There were no religious images in the churches or synagogues of our childhood that celebrated the birthing powers of women. According to religion’s myths, the world was brought into being by a male God, and woman was created from man. This reversal of biological process went unchallenged. Most of us didn’t even notice the absence of the mother. Although we may not have been consciously aware of her absence in bible stories and sermons, her absence was absorbed into our being. And its painful influence was intensified as we observed the design of our parents’ relationship and the treatment of our mothers by our fathers and brothers. Our families mirrored the hierarchical reality of the heavens. In a society that worships a male God, the father’s life is more valuable than the mother’s. The activities of a man’s life are more vital and necessary than the mother’s intimate connections with the origins of life. The father is God.” ~Patricia Lynn Reilly

If you doubt why this is important, ask yourself why women today own one percent of the world’s wealth. That means that men, mostly white Western men, own the rest. Women, by and large, are still dependent on men for that 99 percent.

If God is male, men are superior.

And women are, by default, inferior.

Sadly, I heard this message loud and clear growing up in a Christian home. I vowed that my kids would be raised different; but, I’ve learned one house at a time is not quick enough for the change we need.

Several weeks ago, I had the usual crowd of boys at my house. My son is 10, so there are usually at least three or four other boys around in the summer. My daughter’s friends were not available, so she was in the house alone with me.

She is a fearless little girl, and went down to the basement where the boys were playing and asked to be included. None of them would let her. She held her ground, but none of the boys would budge. I listened to how things were playing out, content that she was sticking up for herself. She came upstairs after being told in no uncertain terms that they were not going to play with a girl. Their taunting was not mean, per say, but exclusive. She was not welcome in their realm.

So, I told her we could make some homemade lemonade together, which she really enjoys. We made a single cup for her and she took it into her room to savor so I could get back to my writing.

A few minutes later, one of the boys came up and asked about getting some of the lemonade. I looked at him in utter disbelief. He was new to our house, or he would have known better.

“You excluded her from all your play. Now you expect that she will make you lemonade?”

He looked at me confused, and walked away.

Several minutes later, another boy came up, and asked for the lemonade.

I said the same thing to him—three times—and he still walked down the stairs confused. It did not occur to either boy that he could make his own lemonade. Both were insistent about my daughter making it for them. The same girl they had just excluded.

Our faith traditions are a lot like this. For the most part, whether it is Catholicism or Islam, women are excluded from leadership positions. We are, apparently, unworthy. But it doesn’t stop the men from asking us to make them treats.

The sad thing is that many of these men don’t even recognize what is wrong with this picture.

I envision a world where both male and female are included in the “important” jobs and the grub work. Women should be welcomed into leadership positions—when they want them. And men should be willing to make food, raise the children and help clean up.

I was really shocked by the lemonade incident because it showed me that we are still not raising boys different. The fact that my son or his other friend (who also has a feminist mom) did not correct the other boys tells me that their behavior is an accepted norm.

I believe we often overlook children when we talk about social change. Children are the last people we should forget about because they are the future. If we want to change how future men treat women, we need to spend time with both boys and girls. We need to teach them different values—and model those with our own behaviors.

I believe that spirituality is the place to start. Whether you are religious or not, the deep cultural roots of religion affect all of us deeply. Nearly all world religions practice today on the foundation of patriarchy. But this need not be the case.

Alice Walker wrote, “…healing begins where the wound was made.” I believe most of wounds women in the world today experience were brought upon by denying the feminine divine. This was done in both subtle and violent ways. If we want a better world for our daughters, we must begin to re-balance the divine feminine with the masculine.

The divine feminine is unconventional. She does not belong to any one faith tradition. In fact, she belongs to all of them.

She does not come to us as a Savior; rather, she is the force within us who empowers us to save ourselves. She loves indiscriminately; you do not have to be good to merit her attention. As Mary Oliver reminds us,

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

So many women are still waiting for our father or husband to sign our permission slips—whether it is for an abortion, birth control or schooling. This has been our indoctrination for thousands of years, so there is no blame in that. When we feel the sense of the divine within us, we learn that we do not need permission for anything. Many of the “rights” we are fighting so hard for are already things we innately possess.

When we recognize, both individually and collectively, our value as women, the world will change. The image of a masculine God is built on patriarchy, which is a vision of control through violence, whether actual or implied. When we honor the divine feminine, beating a woman becomes as unacceptable as burning down a church or a mosque. When we return to the divine feminine, rape will become inconceivable. How can you pillage what is sacred?

When we return to the divine feminine, we will stop trying to “save” women in other countries and realize that we have problems of our own to conquer. We will realize that each of us is capable of becoming our own savior. We will re-discover our rich herstory. We will come together as equals and change the world together.

Our collective spirituality has largely been tainted to fit the needs of men and those in power. This has a profound effect on the self-esteem of girls and the women they become. This influence can be seen in their life choices, partners and financial security for the rest of their lives.

It also has an effect on the way their future partners will view them—and ultimately treat them.

It is time for us to think about how to change this.

Adapted from “Healing the Wound that is Female,”published in Advocating Creatively: Stories of Contemporary Social Change Pioneers

 

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Ed: Bryonie Wise

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Holli Nov 12, 2013 3:16pm

HI Trista,

I was just doing a google search for "feminine wound" (term used in Sue Monk Kidd's book – didn't know if you read that one) where we both came up. I found Sue's book from one of my own readers over a year back and started blogging about my journey out of the Christian Church and the dogma. I'm birthing my own baby business now, and it is all around this topic of helping women to "divorce" (which actually means to burry that which is already dead…or at least that is my definition) gender, gender roles, abuse, patriarchy, dogma…all of which is rooted in patriarchy thought (you can call this inner patriarchy), so they can see they have their own authority to radically accept themselves just as they are – divine energies of the feminine. I would LOVE to talk with you at some point. I've also looked at Patricia's info…

irishguy Aug 20, 2013 5:07am

I love your writing. I respect your views. I agree with most of them. But as a Man who grew up with female fertility symbols all over the place, and some powerful female family and historical figures, my take is a little different. I feel we are all divine. I have a sense that boys are girls are trained early to be different. I also have a personal sense of being attacked when I read articles as this one. I have tried to get to the bottom of it. What I have come up with is that there seems to be an assumption that because I am male I am oppressing women. I have cooked and cleaned all my life and had a partner of mine accuse me of being more feminist than most women she knows. I guess my point is somewhere in the lemonade story. Did the little boys ask the little girl to make them lemonade because she was a little girl? Or did the child without lemonade ask the child with lemonade if it could be made? It's an important question for me. Yes those in power are is someways the enemy, but not all men are in power or even empowered.

goddessspiralhc Aug 14, 2013 4:31pm

Thank you for continuing to put yourself out there Trista! The conversation around patriarchy is obviously very challenging. Regardless on whether we agree on all points it's still needful to rethink how the religious myths affect our societies subliminally. Much love!

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Trista Hendren

Trista Hendren is the author of The Girl God. The second book in this series, Mother Earth, will be published in December. You can read more about her project with Elisabeth Slettnes at www.thegirlgod.com.