August 13, 2013

Solutions for a Toxic Relationship.

Soulmate relationships turned toxic are an opportunity to grow.

In a soulmate relationship there’s an intense feeling of connection and more than likely an inability to disengage from that person…even if it’s over or they need space. We just can’t let go, move on or get a grip on ourselves.

The way to feeling empowered is to get our power back, no matter what happens in the relationship.

In each of the tips described below, the outcome isn’t meant to change the relationship, it’s meant to allow someone an opportunity to grow and create a healthier relationship with ourselves.

The goal is for self-realization, greater confidence and building self-esteem.

Tips on how to use your toxic soulmate relationship as a growth experience:

1. Take control of you.

Stop giving away your power to your mate.

They don’t know what to do with it and it’s how you help to create a toxic environment. It’s not easy, but speak your truth—even if it scares the crap out of you. Do it and you’ll become more confident, especially when your focus is not the outcome. It’ll more than likely also create a different response from your soulmate too.

2. You create boundaries.

In your heart, you know the standards you want to live by, it takes courage to speak them and put them into action. In a soulmate situation, we may just accept what is crappy and not live into our own standards.

There’s no reason to be offensive or disrespectful to your soulmate when declaring your boundaries.

First, get clear on what you absolutely cannot tolerate, what are your non-negotiables?

Be honest and listen to your truth.

Knowing your truth and expressing it, equals vulnerability. It’s your true strength. No need to overpower or win, you’re just establishing a few ground rules on how you need to be treated. You may or may not receive respect for your boundaries, but when you stick to em’, embrace how good you feel!

If you can do this in a relationship of this intensity, you can do it anywhere.

3. If you keep doing the right thing, acting the right way and are programmed by other people’s thoughts about what you should do, stop!

There’s no greater cost then doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.

When your strategy is to kill your soulmate with kindness; give into what you assume they want from you or go out of your way for them just to gain their approval or their love, you can stop now.

It’s manipulation and the other person is aware. They will be more resistant to you. It doesn’t work and it makes you feel worse. Instead, start treating yourself to small acts of kindness. Do things for you, which engender your own love, kindness and warmth. It makes a difference.

Gain clarity on the beliefs you have about yourself, understand somewhere along the way you picked up the idea that you deserved this treatment. The intensity you feel with this person is actually the familiarity of what you grew up with and what you believe about yourself—t’s self-induced. Even if the other person feels intense too; it’s about old stuff.

4. Don’t feel shame, please realize you’re human.

Not a super hero. You may stay in an untenable situation, because you have a perfect dream. And well-meaning friends and family can make you feel worse for your inability to leave.

We want this soulmate to fit that perfect dream. It’s time to deconstruct the dream. Nothing is perfect and relationships aren’t fairy tales.

Make a commitment to see the relationship through to your emotional end. It’s not a mistake. Meaning, use this time to dig deep and realize your humanness, your lovability, your needs and the three previous tips. Stay with it (unless there is physical abuse), until you have a complete understanding of how you landed here in the first place.
Use the relationship for learning how to have a deeper acceptance of yourself.

Self-acceptance is key to a healthy relationship and there is something keeping you in a relationship in which you are rejected in some way, so be Sherlock Holmes and figure out why.

5. Your mate is a mirror; use the reflection to find answers.

You’ve probably heard what you don’t like in yourself is reflected in others.

It’s true.

Unfortunately, in a toxic soulmate relationship, it’s more about insecurities. Your insecurities are mirrored right back at you, Big Time!

If you don’t trust your mate, it’s probably the same for them, but they may exhibit it in a different way than you.

You may be outrageously jealous, and they may cheat—abandonment and distrust guaranteed! You set up these situations over and over until you gain self-awareness.

Why are you here?

What is the benefit in being in a relationship with someone who makes your insecurities feel out of control?

There’s always a benefit. It may be that you really fear a real commitment, so your imperfect soulmate keeps you safe from having to show up and be emotionally present in a relationship.

Get clear on your insecurities. If you don’t trust your mate, ask yourself what you don’t trust about you.

It’s really about you not trusting yourself to handle the disappointment of whatever your soulmate says or does. You live in the anticipation and yet the fear of disappointment.

These tips will help you to establish and create your best relationship yet…with yourself. As you become healthier, the intensity will fade; the attachment, and feeling like you can’t breathe without them will also decrease.

In its place will be more confidence, happiness, peace and openness…a true space of freedom where real love can be expressed and lived fully.


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Ed: Bryonie Wise



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