How I Know That the Buddha Was Not a Mother. ~ Laura Sofen

Via Laura Sofen
on Sep 15, 2013
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Every other weekend since they’ve been small, my children go to their father’s house, a world I am not part of, a place I have never seen, with people I have never met.

They don’t love it and neither do I, which makes the letting go that much harder. Nonetheless, it has become my biweekly practice, and theirs too, I suppose.

The emptiness that accompanies their departure has no bottom.

As my children make their way from my car to their father’s front door, they do a heartbreaking walk I call The Compliance Shuffle. Imagine a Death Row inmate on his way to a mandatory medical screening. There’s a hollow sense of what’s the point?  Unspoken resistance hovers like a ghost behind their slow steps. They love their dad, but

Mine aren’t the only children who stoically accept that just because a legal document decides where they should be doesn’t mean that’s where they want to be.

At least my kids are safe, which is not the case for many other families. I am grateful for this bit of consolation.

The combination of these conflicting emotions sinks like a twisted chain of stones, heavy in my gut until my children come home. Yes, this particular pain comes from attachment, as all pains do. I cannot conceive of anything mothers are more attached to than their children. If Buddha had been a mother (I know he was a father, but with all due respect, it’s not the same), I wonder how well that non-attachment thing would have worked out for him.

All parents must practice non-attachment to some degree, but single parents are legally required to do it. No matter how old my children get, The Compliance Shuffle doesn’t break my heart now any less than it did when they were tiny.

“Everything comes to pass. Nothing comes to stay.” ~ Matthew Flickstein

I have studied Buddhism for many years, but it took me a long time to grasp what it means to practice non-attachment. I’m still learning to release my grip on how I want things to be.

I am learning to let go.

Someday, instead of a court requiring me to surrender my children, the world will come and claim them. A lover or a distant college will summon them and they will veer off the path we’ve shared and begin their own journeys, without me.

One day, the only protection my children will have will be the lessons I’ve shared and the love I’ve given. One day, they will have to walk alone.

So I train in mindfulness. I train because time is short, and from what others tell me, kids grow up in a blink. I embrace my mother nature, which compels me to keep my babies close and mourns when they are far.

Mindfulness plunges me into that bottomless universe where things simply are. It’s not the joyful contemplation I signed up for, but it’s as much a part of my journey as the bliss I feel when my kids come home.

I have been practicing letting go of things my whole life, partly because it is my nature to avoid encumbrances. I slid from attachment because I intuitively understood, as a child of tumult and chaos, how fleeting all that security can be.

But when these beings came forth from my body, I clutched them in a primal, ancient way. Nobody could have prepared me for what I felt, nor for how deeply imprinted the clutching habit has become. My very DNA is coded to keep my little ones dear, to soften the edges for them. When they were born, so was my habit to love and protect them.

Despite the regularity with which I must do it, letting go of them is not a habit. It is still a legal obligation. I do not let go thoughtlessly, and I have not gotten better with practice. Those twisted stones still knock against my soft parts as I drive away from my children.

However, I am fully conscious in those moments when they come and go. I am aware of my resistance even as I kiss them goodbye. Mindfulness may expose the futility of my attachment, but it doesn’t erase it.

“In time, things will change and the conditions that produced our current desires will be gone. Why then cling to them now?” ~ Master Hsing Yun

Yesterday, my son started high school. We assembled our brave faces for one another, but I could see the flat dread behind his eyes. After he had gathered up his courage and left for the bus, I crumpled, bawling with the powerlessness that had stalked me ever since I first left him at his father’s house. Here was the moment I had tried to evade even as I’d felt it sneaking around corners when I wasn’t looking.

I didn’t weep because I was losing my son. I wept because the world had come for him sooner than I had expected, and all I could do was let him go.

As it turned out, he had a terrible first day, fraught with adolescent pitfalls. Though it broke my heart to hear about his wretched day, I couldn’t erase the experience, nor was I able to prevent it from happening again. I just listened, fully present, overflowing with empathy and a nagging desire to tuck a blanket around his lanky frame and keep him safe at home. I showered him with axioms and encouragement. I did my best to bolster his confidence arsenal without blowing the proverbial smoke you know where.

This morning, he gave me a resigned and soulful sigh as he left, shuffling toward the bus in the familiar way I’d seen every other weekend for years. Though I trembled with resistance, my entire being vibrated in awareness as I watched him go.


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Assistant Ed: Renee Picard / Ed: Cat Beekmans


About Laura Sofen

After countless career missteps, L. Sofen now enjoys tugging open eighth grade minds in a New Jersey public school. She is guilty of looking on the bright side, learning from mistakes, and laughing at inappropriate moments. She has a big mouth, an open mind, and a bleeding heart. L. does not voluntarily participate in social media, meat-eating, or conspicuous consumption. If elephant journal were a country, she’d never want to leave it.


17 Responses to “How I Know That the Buddha Was Not a Mother. ~ Laura Sofen”

  1. Mark says:

    Bravo. Why be attached to non-attachment?

  2. Renee says:

    Summed it up perfectly. Exactly how I feel every other weekend too

  3. Joan says:

    Bravo and bigh hugs. I too have the same challenge as a single Mom; my daughter visits her dad once a week and every other weekend until….he gets tired of it! Also, my darling girl started Kindergarten a few weeks ago in a public school, in Florida, which to me is like some kind of crazy outpost that I am stuck living in (But I digress…). I know that energetically they feel our ambivalence and fear, and conversely over time, they will feel the relief and joy that comes from trusting that all things are exactly the way that they are meant to be…for some unknown reason that hopefully, but perhaps might never be revelaed to us. xoxo

  4. Lyn Haigh says:

    I couldn't have written this piece better myself. My sentiments exactly as I too am in the same boat.

  5. Penny Driver says:

    I know exactly what you mean. xxx

  6. Danagh says:

    I get it…but. I myself grew up in a separated family with by-weekly visits to my father's. It is not the life I envisioned for myself or my children, but I am on the other side of things as a parent now. I decided early on that I was a huge part of my children's relationship with their father. I've chosen to champion,encourage and honor their relationship. Knowing love from their Dad is not something I want them to live without. As for their step-mother and extended family – the more people that love my kids, the better. From this, the kids are at ease and we even share regular family celebrations with all parents present.

    A friend once said she envied us separated parents – You get a break and come back fresh. And there comes the mindfulness. We learn to let go, but we hold on to the 'together' moments like rare gems.

  7. Laura says:

    Good point. I'm going to sit with that one…

  8. Kim says:

    Some things just don't get better with time…. Unless you subscribe to "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" ~Anonymous 🙂

  9. Peter says:

    For someone who seems to claim spiritual enlightenment, I find your misanthropic article troubling. It is just this kind of assumption that women are automatically the better parent that destroys mens lives. Men who love their children just as much as you do and mothers do but suddenly because the mother wakes up one day not in love anymore, they are forced to see there kids only 4 days a month. You talk very elowuently about your separation and lonliness. What about the father’s?

  10. Peter says:

    Correction, misandrogenous article as in misandry.

  11. Dagmar says:

    thanks for this, it was a pleasure to read and relate! so much of this i seem to have felt and feel seeing my children grow and grow. Thank you again.

  12. Laura says:

    I wouldn't go so far as to claim enlightenment, just that I'm on the journey. This article had one focus: my experience. I could never write with authority about another's. In no way do I believe or suggest that a father can't love his children as much as a mother, but their experiences of parenthood are different. Part of my heartbreak comes from being stymied by my efforts to have an amicable, cooperative parenting arrangement. Perhaps if I knew what my children were walking toward every time they were walking away, I'd have a different experience about their leaving.

  13. Andrea says:

    So beautifully written! I was very moved!

  14. Padma Kadag says:

    " I wonder how well that non-attachment thing would have worked out for him", your reference to the Buddha is rather condescending. You want to devalue the Buddha's renunciation. I am not sure why you have chosen the Buddha as antagonist to your protagonist. I suggest studying Buddhism a little more before you decide to appear as if you understand Buddha's example. If you have faith in the Buddha as a Buddhist then surely we can contemplate the Buddha's offering of his body to the mother tiger who's cubs were starving. We can also understand that prior to his enlightenment all of his previous lifetimes were remembered as mothers, fathers, animals, gods, and demi gods and goddesses.

  15. Laura says:

    I suspect that the Buddha would greet his inclusion in my article as similarly as he would your defense of him.

  16. slsimms says:

    This is a great article. My son is in the US while I'm teaching in China. I didn't want to leave him but bringing him with me for a year would have led to a legal fight and I felt it would be better for both of us if I got a handle on myself first before bringing him to a foreign country.
    I think of him all the time and the quiet in my life is defeaning but I have faith that energy can cross oceans; my love is always around him.

  17. Robin says:

    Thank you for the reminder that we are all connected. This hit me like a freight train as today is my switch day for my sons. It's an emptiness I have been unable to fully describe.