Variety: Best Served with Monogamy. ~ Laura Bock

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Ever since sex became easy, love became harder and harder to find.

People no longer put value in things like loyalty, honesty or fidelity; it seems like romance and chivalry are things of the past. The constant and continuous search is now for variety. As a consumer driven society, we are programmed for this from an early age, and sadly it has made its way into our relationships.

Variety is a nasty virus that kills relationships.

It’s a fast growing epidemic. How? The internet has made sex fast, cheap and easy. Relationships have been dumbed down to emails, chat or texts. Reality TV has cheapened love, commitment and marriage. A lot of people are settling in this day and age.

It’s sad that even when you finally find someone that you click with on every level and that you can be yourself around, either your partner or even you choose that eternal search for variety instead of  the possibility of a lifetime of happiness with that one person.

I’ve recently come to believe that the best kind of variety to have is within a monogamous relationship with someone who mirrors your love and adoration.

It’s taken me years of pain and heartache to come to this conclusion. In my most recent past, I had the unfortunate luck of my lover leaving me for his eternal quest for variety. I was very deeply in love; it was the first time I had ever felt that way in my forty-one short years on this planet.

My previous relationships, including my marriage, were never typical committed relationships.

In fact, my fifteen year marriage was an open one. I loved the variety I had at my beck and call, but I didn’t act on it as much as my ex-husband did. I loved the freedom and openness that an open marriage allowed me.

I viewed my open marriage as a new way of thinking about relationships, yet it was my escape from a real commitment.

I used to be one of those skeptics and cynics that mocked love, commitment and marriage. I sacrificed all of those wonderful blessings of monogamy out of fear.

I believe that fear is the strong emotion at the root of wanting variety.

It’s an excuse—either out of fear of getting hurt or of possibly hurting someone else.

With love, you have to take that risk. Unfortunately there are people in this world that would rather risk possibly contracting a sexually transmitted disease than to risk loving one person exclusively and continuously.

My fear was instilled in me at an early age by the horrible display of my parents. They were both miserably unhappy, and still are to this day. I did not want any part of love if that is what it did to you. Subconsciously I was scared of a real, honest to goodness committed relationship, so I opted for variety.

I loved the security of knowing that I always had someone to come home to. After a few years of marriage and complete denial that an open marriage was wrong, I encountered the torn feeling of being lonely but not alone. It’s a very empty feeling, a sucking void in the pit of your heart.

It took me years of confronting the demons of my past and present to heal and open myself up to the wondrous beauty and possibility of real and true love.

I used to believe that monogamy and the routine of it was boring.

I have only one thing to say to my former self: you get what you give.

If you want your relationship to have spice and flavor, then you should put forth that effort to make it so. Communication is so incredibly vital, and I’m not referring to texts or emails. I have learned that it’s the little things that truly do mean a lot.

Unexpected flowers, a card or even a silly note on a post-it tucked into your lovers wallet or purse are great.

Make each other smile and laugh on a daily basis. You don’t need money for that.

If you and your lover can find something to laugh at together every day, you will be assured a lifetime of happiness.

I wasn’t able to say and truly mean, “I love you” to someone until my last relationship. Up until then, I hadn’t experienced a real, honest to goodness relationship. It was a great feeling, although looking back, that sentiment was not reciprocated, as made obvious by the break-up. Will that stop me from opening up myself to love again? No

Love is worth every risk of getting hurt emotionally.

If you don’t risk that hurt, you’ll never know what true and real love is all about. Love is wonderful and amazing; it’s one of the best feelings in the world. Love is worth fighting for. I don’t mean physically harming anyone, but instead, wage a war on all of the superficiality that has consumed this world.

Cut through all of the media noise and distraction and get back to the truth.

The cure for the relationship—killing virus of variety is simply love. Let it flow from your heart through your entire being. Fear will become overwhelmed and have no choice but to leave.

Fear ruined a lot of good relationships for so many years for me, including a beautiful one with myself. I’m more than ready to leave that old me behind and happily embrace this new and wonderful road I’m starting to see forming in front of me.

I’m not afraid anymore. I just hope it isn’t too late.

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About Laura Bock

Laura Bock is an awesome Jane of all trades. Living a varied and colorful life is par for the course for an artist like her. She lives her life with no fear and has taken the leap of faith many times over, which explains her sometimes wounded wings. She’s recently learned to de-clutter and simplify, so that she might pursue the life she so desperately craves. Her passions are writing, travel and photography. Laura’s writings can be found at her blog.


27 Responses to “Variety: Best Served with Monogamy. ~ Laura Bock”

  1. kimberlylowriter says:

    Thank you for this.

  2. Cigdem says:

    Never too late 🙂 Thank you for this sincere piece.

  3. C.C. says:

    Thanks for sharing your honesty and your journey.

    I might add though, that (while in a monogamous marriage myself), I don't believe what you've stated is true for everyone. Polyamorous relationships can be deeply intimate and personal and committed, imbued with loyalty, trust, and fidelity.

    Conversely, there are monogamous relationships riddled with fear, insecurity, superficiality… many monogamous relationships lack loyalty, honesty, and fidelity on levels far more soul destroying than those of a sexual nature. monogamy guarantees nothing.

    one size does not fit all.

    • emotionalviolence says:

      Indeed, one size does not fit all. The same can be said for religion, spirituality and life paths.

      The poly and open relationships I've experienced and witnessed over the years were mostly people using the main relationship as security until they "found" what they were looking for in another partner, or simply to have their cake and eat it too. I think the concept and meaning of love was blurred for them (myself included). They were relationships of convenience.

      Thank you for reading and for your thought provoking comments!

  4. Krishnabrodhi says:

    "I’ve recently come to believe that the best kind of variety to have is within a monogamous relationship with someone who mirrors your love and adoration."

    I think personal fulfillment in general, and specifically in relationships is something that is quite unique to each person. I think we are going through a time where we are exploring outside of the singular option that was handed to a lot of people in the past about how relationships work, into a time where people feel free to explore who they are and what is right for them. Two people committed to only having a romantic relationship with each other is no longer the only path to personal happiness and fulfillment. It is the right road for some people but it is not the one sized fits all model that applies to all. Not sure it ever was. Much like gender identity and sexuality… it's just one of many options. And not better than any other. The only rule of right and wrong with regard to this is whether it is right for 'you'.

    Also I think it is a mistake to assume that anything other than traditional monogamous relationships and "love, commitment and marriage." are mutually exclusive. I don't think you have to look too hard to find people who are doing love differently that are just as loving and committed to the "people" in their lives as those that are with just one person. Also I would not assume that everyone that is doing relationships different is doing so out of fear like you were.

    But I will heartily agree with you on the fact that people that are in relationships, be it with with one person or multiples, would be well advised to learn how to love consciously and love well. To explore what that word really means for them and discover whether the person they are attracted to shares that same definitions and the same goal. And to explore ways to keep love delightfully free, responsible, honest and playful.

    1 <3

  5. emotionalviolence says:

    Thank you for your very insightful comments… you've given me additional food for thought. 🙂

    As I said in a previous comment, most of the examples I've witnessed and were part of were not loving and committed relationships. We are definitely in a day and age where one size truly does not fit all in so many different ways – yet love is at the center of it all. We must learn to love, and it starts with ourselves.

    Thanks so much for reading! <3

  6. lisab says:

    "Love is worth fighting for. I don’t mean physically harming anyone, but instead, wage a war on all of the superficiality that has consumed this world."

    Love this and agree 100% with everything you said. All the best to you and much love. Thank you for writing such a lovely, honest piece full of courageous truth.

  7. Lisa says:

    Sorry, you lost me at your first sentence, "People no longer put value…" I could not disagree more.

    • emotionalviolence says:

      I am sorry you feel that my article didn't pull you in… I was just speaking from experience and from what I've seen demonstrated around me. I hope that in the future my writings will be readable to you. I'm glad, however, that I did elicit emotion in you. Thanks for your comment!

  8. Lily Marino says:

    If I could wear this as a t-shirt, I would. This just rocks. We are so conditioned for everything BUT intimacy. It’s not too late ♥ You will have everything your soul yearns for. Much love and gratitude for your brave vulnerability. Lily

  9. OneSlice says:

    “I had the unfortunate luck of my lover leaving me for his eternal quest for variety. I was very deeply in love; it was the first time I had ever felt that way in my forty-one short years on this planet.”

    Stop giving yourself away to partners that are not committed to you! Don’t allow your desire for a wholehearted loving relationship to deceive you into believing that you have one when you actually don’t. When what you actually have is a moderate interest from someone that is out of integrity with their own desire due to co-dependent patterns, stringing you along until they find the one they’re a true “yes” for. Wait for the one that says “YES!” with their full heart or else be real with your expectations around the one you’re currently with. Can you enjoy this person with the understanding that they are only waiting for their own full “Yes” to come around? If the answer is “No” then why are you with them? If the answer is “Yes”, then enjoy it for what it is while it lasts but don’t try to make it what it isn’t.

    • emotionalviolence says:

      It is sad when someone you are involved with says they want the same things as you, and it turns out to be the exact opposite. Life is full of good and bad choices on our paths. I'm a lot wiser now, and definitely more cautious, but all in all, I am thankful for the experiences that my failed relationships have given me. Thanks for your reply!

  10. Booster Blake says:

    Feels like an integrity issue to me. If you’re wanting a wholehearted relationship with a person that’s in 100%, then wait for that. If you’re wanting more of a casual connection, then be up front and honest about that. If both partners are connected to their desire and speaking their truths, there shouldn’t be an issue. Heartache? Sure. Disappointment? Prolly. But trust will remain intact and resentment will be minimal. Integrity yo.

    • emotionalviolence says:

      Honesty is a given in any relationship I've been in, at least with me. I'm thankful the universe moved those people out of my life and gave me valuable experience. Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to reply!

  11. Debbie says:

    from someone who has been in a monogamous relationship for 41 years, it is very much worth any pain or heartache.

  12. SiriDev says:

    Thank you for your beautiful words, I can definitely identify with them. I am deep in gratitude to find meaningful, soulful love after years of unhappiness. Love to you ❤

    • emotionalviolence says:

      I am happy to hear you've found love and happiness! That fills me with hope. Many blessings and much love to you! Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply to my article.

  13. Ellen says:

    Your post really stretches my comfort levels. For me, a large part of being in relationship has been working through various fears. For sure! I can see places where our lives and fears may be similar so I resonate, and then I just wonder who your reference group is because of the radical differences. As a bisexual person, I am somewhat identified with the idea of variety. If you could tease out your own experience that has brought you to feel and express love in a deep and unique way from what seems like a condemnation of those who are finding love in a variety of other ways and at their own pace, I might be able to better digest the wisdom you have to offer. Thanks for the article.

  14. Futuro Esposa says:

    I haven’t read anything all day except the last one I commented on. Just saw the email too. Haven’t read any before today. Leaving soon!!

  15. Futuro Esposa says:

    My comment makes me sound drunk or something. Geesh!!

    Need sleep bad!!

  16. John in Seattle says:

    “I was in an unhealthy open/poly relationship and have met other people were too, so I’m going to rehash a lot of cliches and stereotypes about that kind of relationship and pitch monogamy as the only TRUE path to love and happiness.”

    While I’m happy you’ve found a path that works for YOU, it’s a pretty big leap to go from there to implying that path is what’s right for everybody. I’d happily compare the the levels of love, honesty, loyalty, and respect in my 20 year open/poly relationship with ANY monogamous relationship without fear of it being found wanting.

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