September 8, 2013

Variety: Best Served with Monogamy. ~ Laura Bock

Ever since sex became easy, love became harder and harder to find.

People no longer put value in things like loyalty, honesty or fidelity; it seems like romance and chivalry are things of the past. The constant and continuous search is now for variety. As a consumer driven society, we are programmed for this from an early age, and sadly it has made its way into our relationships.

Variety is a nasty virus that kills relationships.

It’s a fast growing epidemic. How? The internet has made sex fast, cheap and easy. Relationships have been dumbed down to emails, chat or texts. Reality TV has cheapened love, commitment and marriage. A lot of people are settling in this day and age.

It’s sad that even when you finally find someone that you click with on every level and that you can be yourself around, either your partner or even you choose that eternal search for variety instead of  the possibility of a lifetime of happiness with that one person.

I’ve recently come to believe that the best kind of variety to have is within a monogamous relationship with someone who mirrors your love and adoration.

It’s taken me years of pain and heartache to come to this conclusion. In my most recent past, I had the unfortunate luck of my lover leaving me for his eternal quest for variety. I was very deeply in love; it was the first time I had ever felt that way in my forty-one short years on this planet.

My previous relationships, including my marriage, were never typical committed relationships.

In fact, my fifteen year marriage was an open one. I loved the variety I had at my beck and call, but I didn’t act on it as much as my ex-husband did. I loved the freedom and openness that an open marriage allowed me.

I viewed my open marriage as a new way of thinking about relationships, yet it was my escape from a real commitment.

I used to be one of those skeptics and cynics that mocked love, commitment and marriage. I sacrificed all of those wonderful blessings of monogamy out of fear.

I believe that fear is the strong emotion at the root of wanting variety.

It’s an excuse—either out of fear of getting hurt or of possibly hurting someone else.

With love, you have to take that risk. Unfortunately there are people in this world that would rather risk possibly contracting a sexually transmitted disease than to risk loving one person exclusively and continuously.

My fear was instilled in me at an early age by the horrible display of my parents. They were both miserably unhappy, and still are to this day. I did not want any part of love if that is what it did to you. Subconsciously I was scared of a real, honest to goodness committed relationship, so I opted for variety.

I loved the security of knowing that I always had someone to come home to. After a few years of marriage and complete denial that an open marriage was wrong, I encountered the torn feeling of being lonely but not alone. It’s a very empty feeling, a sucking void in the pit of your heart.

It took me years of confronting the demons of my past and present to heal and open myself up to the wondrous beauty and possibility of real and true love.

I used to believe that monogamy and the routine of it was boring.

I have only one thing to say to my former self: you get what you give.

If you want your relationship to have spice and flavor, then you should put forth that effort to make it so. Communication is so incredibly vital, and I’m not referring to texts or emails. I have learned that it’s the little things that truly do mean a lot.

Unexpected flowers, a card or even a silly note on a post-it tucked into your lovers wallet or purse are great.

Make each other smile and laugh on a daily basis. You don’t need money for that.

If you and your lover can find something to laugh at together every day, you will be assured a lifetime of happiness.

I wasn’t able to say and truly mean, “I love you” to someone until my last relationship. Up until then, I hadn’t experienced a real, honest to goodness relationship. It was a great feeling, although looking back, that sentiment was not reciprocated, as made obvious by the break-up. Will that stop me from opening up myself to love again? No

Love is worth every risk of getting hurt emotionally.

If you don’t risk that hurt, you’ll never know what true and real love is all about. Love is wonderful and amazing; it’s one of the best feelings in the world. Love is worth fighting for. I don’t mean physically harming anyone, but instead, wage a war on all of the superficiality that has consumed this world.

Cut through all of the media noise and distraction and get back to the truth.

The cure for the relationship—killing virus of variety is simply love. Let it flow from your heart through your entire being. Fear will become overwhelmed and have no choice but to leave.

Fear ruined a lot of good relationships for so many years for me, including a beautiful one with myself. I’m more than ready to leave that old me behind and happily embrace this new and wonderful road I’m starting to see forming in front of me.

I’m not afraid anymore. I just hope it isn’t too late.

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Assist Ed: Julie Garcia/Ed: Sara Crolick

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Laura Bock