November 1, 2013

What the F*ck is This All About? ~ Anna Suvorova

I always thought that my life was hard.

Anyone else out there who is in the same boat with me? Let’s have a real conversation: no weather talk, no nonsense, no pretense and no spiritual bullshit…… You know, how we like to show only our strong side to the outer world hiding behind the mask of what we think we should be? Did you suffer in life? I bet you did.

I suffered a lot, and I got to experience a lot of pain. I was also deeply embarrassed about it. Secretly I always wondered, “What the fuck is this all about? Am I such a bad person to deserve all this? Are others having the same human roller coaster ride?”

Why does stuff happen to us?

Things happen to us so we can read into who we really are. I remember being a cute little girl (a while ago that was), sitting on my little bed, and what I see is this heavy, hard cover book flying across the room right toward my face.

Bash! Explosion!

It hit my nose and broke it. That is how I remembered that I was a human, I was made of flesh and blood and now I had the full experience of it. I never forgot the name of that book, and the name of the innocent author was forever imprinted into my memory bank, not in a good way. I remember another experience—I was a teenager, hanging off the balcony, holding on to what I thought was the last moment of my life.

I still hear the sound of my own voice “Mum, do not let me die.” My mum was so upset about something that she, forgetting herself, (don’t you just find that expression interesting?) was throwing her only child off the balcony. That is my current point of view.

From the hanging point of view of where I was at that moment, the world looked very different. The stars were blinking above my angry mother’s face; the quietness of the moment was loud enough for me to hear my own heartbeat. I felt that eternity was out there… always ready to open its arms to catch me. That is how I remembered for the first time that there was another home out there, the real home. I just suddenly knew it. There is a place, a glorious place out there that has none of this pain. It is just pure and luminous, and that is where I came from. That is where we all came from.

Thirty years later, after the “balcony moment,” and after many other special moments in life, I woke up one morning from some great dream and I remembered. All of a sudden I knew why was all this suffering, why was all this pain.

I had this dream—I am sure you had one of those too—that leaves you with a new feeling of being you. It is like as if your heart knows. In my dream I was walking the streets of this planet, our planet, marveling at everything around: trees, clouds, people, even roads, shops and traffics. Everything was new and exciting. Everything was inviting to be explored and to be loved. I was experiencing myself with a great sense of curiosity and awe. “Wow! That is how it feels to be a human!”

It suddenly dawned upon me, that where we came from, we have none of this: no emotions, no feelings, nothing to identify with, nothing to learn, nothing to lose or get upset about, nothing to do… nothing to be…. nothing… nothing… nothing.

And here, we have it all: stars and clouds to watch, flowers to smell, friends to hug, faces to love, to touch; emotions to own and feelings to feel. It is so bloody entertaining (literally, as some of us know).

In this dream I saw this unfamiliar creature, kind of Avatar looking and seriously enormous. If you watched the movie, you’ll know. I remember the fear that I felt at first. I was afraid. I got scared of this sudden appearance of totally new and unknown energy. Many “what ifs” were loudly driving through my ever-busy head. While all this noise was happening, I noticed a big smile that my Avatar friend had. Unknown to me, he was approaching me with a smile. I was beginning to notice what a graceful, magnificent creature he was! Fear turned into curiosity. I just stood there, waiting for what was about to happen. I felt curiously open and almost excited. I was looking forward to connect with the uncertainty, longing to lock eyes with the unknown and have a new experience. It was something new to identify with, to play with, to learn from.

I will have new experiences in life, and so will you.

It is just the way it is. Why should we limit ourselves to only what is already known? Same people… Same feelings…. Same range of emotions…Same places…Same chair…Same conversations.

Your boyfriend /girlfriend left you, so what? Get excited! Someone new, sensitive and awesome might be just on the way to hold you and make you laugh like you never thought you could.

You lost your job and worry about paying bills. So what? Pack up your bag and go someplace where you can afford to be. You just might find yourself really happy sitting somewhere on the beach under the twinkling stars, playing guitar with not a worry in the world.

You got sick and now wonder where you go from here. Look at your life from another perspective. Reevaluate your goals and priorities and decide how you want to experience yourself through this. Even if you do not know how to be and what to do, there is a way to feel good about it.

We get trapped and heart broken, disappointed and depressed. We wonder why this is happening to us. We think that others hurt us and we close our hearts and lose faith. Here is what we forgot—No one hurt us really—we use others to hurt ourselves so we wake up and get a grip on the bigger picture of ourselves. Yogis figured that out ages ago. You, yes you….Just for today, marvel at everything that happens to you, and see it as just another experience that you wanted to have to entertain yourself. It is more fun that way. In case you think “What the heck is she talking about? She is not the one who is sick/broke/heartbroken/hopeless/ jobless/challenged,” I tell you this—I have been all of those things and I am still here, yoga-ing around the world, navigating through what is called Life with smile on my face. Move through the day as if you have chosen it that way.

Embrace it all: difficult people who forgot it all and act like total assholes (no offence to real assholes, I can be that too), situations that make us feel like we have no power, health issues that disturb our mental balance and make us wonder “why me”…whatever. Embrace it all and remember to choose how you want to feel.

Take a deep breath and get curious about the next moment that is about to take place. Smile in the mirror and stay open. Your bigger version of yourself already knows that all is fine. It is just another experience to marvel at. Another moment of a mysterious journey called Life. Open your arms and your heart and let it happen.

Do you want to know what happened next when my new Avatar friend came really close?

I remember the smile, so warm and kind that I immediately felt at ease, he was a friend (a bit odd-looking, but a friend nevertheless). I could not help but being friendly too; I put my hand out to touch his face as he was leaning closer. I marveled at the uniqueness of his features and felt his warm skin. He closed his eyes as if to savor the moment, took my other hand and gently placed it on the other side of his face. I held this big blue smiling face between my hands, wide apart, and marveled at the experience. We stood there, me and my unknown, sharing the same reality, called now.

I woke up and that is how I remembered very clearly that we are here just to collect experiences, like some collect stamps or cars. Whatever we are going through is just another experience, yet another entertainment for our Soul. We get messy and angry, we hide and cry, we get stuck on some things and get trapped in reactions, we do things that we are not proud of…and often we are afraid. We forgot that everything that happens to us is just another picture that our “inner camera” takes. We can hide from it, run from it, reject it and not like it, but it is what it is.

Whatever it is that you are going through right now, beloved friend, dive in with both hands, both legs and full heart. Go for it! Find the courage to just be where life took you. Every new experience is just another friend wanting to connect and be a part of this fascinating journey that we call life…and let’s not forget, it will not last forever. A bunch of decades is all that we have here. At the end of the human journey we will not even remember what that pain and suffering was all about. We will be home…

Ah, so clever I am when I remember…let’s see now how quickly I will forget this and get trapped again in yet another human experience of myself…


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Assistant Ed: Daniel Garcia/Ed: Sara Crolick


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