December 5, 2013

Dirtier, Sexier, & Downright Ghastlier Little Secrets of a Yoga Teacher. {Adult}

Some of us are up to no good.

I posted an article a couple of days ago called “Dirty Little Secrets of a Yoga Teacher.” Now I know you fanatics out there are going to want to wash my mouth out with soap for being so snarky about yoga… but we don’t live in Biblical times, and there’s no sages or other wise men sitting on a rock to guide us, spouting truisms about the nature of existence or the fate of our highest, most authentic self. The guys with the megaphones on Hollywood and Vine don’t count.

Clearly I’m left to my own devices. In my last class, I quoted Henry Rollins. And my book “Sayings of Sri Ramakrishna” is still on the shelf.

There’s plenty of opinions and posts here about what the right thing to do is. I’ve read them, I’ve written them and I hold some of them close to my heart. Something’s got to save my wretched soul, and it sure ain’t gonna be the three carne asada tacos I just ate off the taco truck outside the studio.

When you stand tall and gaze up toward the sun, unless you’re a blob of plasma, there’s a darker, shadier side behind you that you can’t see. In other words, young Luke, none of us are infallible, and that goes for you, for me and for every yoga teacher, too.

Check it out: the dark side is real. There’s always more dirty little secrets. Can you relate?

>> Some teachers lie about being certified. And being insured. What the fuck? Shocking, but true. Did they just read Teaching Yoga For Dummies and call it a day?

>> Not every teacher knows the Bhagavad Gita backward and forward. If they have read the whole thing, I hope they were in a classroom setting or a discussion group; it’s not the kind of thing you whiz through on a weekend at the beach. Same goes for The Fountainhead. Maybe I’m not enough of a thinker, but I just don’t get it.

>> Once, in the beginning of class, I asked if anyone was new to yoga. I saw one guy actually roll his eyes. Congratulations, fun boy, you’re the guy that just made this class about eight fuckin’ times harder.

>> Some teachers don’t like to OM. I throw it in once in a while, but it feels like forced spirituality, especially after all the Sanskrit and fancy metaphors flying around an hour and a half.

>> It takes a lot to shock me. I’ve seen performance artists pounding nails into their face and dangling from flesh hooks. But when you refuse to take off your jeans (even though your shorts are right there, guy), or you’re in Crow Pose while everyone else is settling into Savasana, or you’re texting during class, I seriously don’t even know what to say.

>> I used to teach in a studio that offered “4:20 Yoga.” Yep, everyone was high. (I guess this one doesn’t really count as a secret.)

>> Teachers get their feelings hurt. We really just want to give you a great class, and we do understand if you tried but it’s not your level, and you roll up your mat and leave 30 minutes in. I’ve done it myself, and I’ve shown up to yoga class and left because there’s a sub. My point here is, just be cool about it. It’s okay, it’s not the end of the world. But if you leave in a weird huff and create a disruptive little scene, yeah, I’ll be a little hurt. Then I’ll get pissed. Get over yourself, please and thank you.

>> I get my yoga clothes at Target. Did you know you can actually register there when you get married?

>> Sometimes a teacher might keep you in Down Dog a little long, so they can try and remember what you did on the right side now that you’re on the left. Sorry ’bout that.

>> While you were eating a raw kale salad for dinner and sipping on kombucha tea, my husband and I were ordering Domino’s. We had a pepperoni and onion pizza, cheesy bread and chocolate thingies. And I’m not sorry.

>> There are times when a teacher is envious of your physical ability, watching you in Padma Mayurasana or some other wicked cool pose. But we also get fired up. It’s good to have goals.

>> At that same taco truck, they sell Coke in a bottle. If you come to my class, you’ve seen me drink it once in a while. I have to wake myself up, somehow.

William Shakespeare wrote in The Tempest, “Hell is empty, and all the devils are here.” We can’t be on our best behavior all the time. Laugh at your shadowy side. Stop judging everybody. Be cool. Lighten up, or no one will like you.

You don’t want to Chaturanga your way to liberation and supreme, conscious awareness all alone now, do you?

Want more dirty secrets? The Dirtiest Little Secrets Of A Yoga Teacher: Now We’re Getting Ballsy. {Adult}

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Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: courtesy of the author

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