January 18, 2014

Cats Are Huge Jerks. {Video}

I always considered myself to be a ‘dog person.’

My first pet was a beautiful black lab, a true specimen of loyalty and obedience. As I grew up, he grew old, eventually surrendering to a quick battle with cancer.

Next to join our family was a sweet, clumsy Weimaraner who was later joined by a sister.

As a family, we enjoyed big dogs. Dogs that hiked and wrestled and snuggled. And because of the presence of our big, beautiful dogs, cats were conspicuously missing from our lives—neighborhood cats tended to avoid our yard (as a health precaution, I’m sure).

Fast-forward a handful of years and I have my own home with my own family. Part of me assumed that because I had big dogs, my children would have big dogs too. I imagined laying around with a big, smelly beast when my other big, smelly beast was on the road. I saw us hiking in the woods together, going for jogs, learning tricks and taking long drives.

Alas, we are a dog-free household. Even more shocking: we have a cat. 

Gordon is our accidental, was-supposed-to-be-here cat. I discovered him abandoned in an airport parking garage and brought him to the house ‘just until we find him a home.’ Famous last words, right?

Our cat happens to have many dog-like qualities. He has an affinity for water and hangs with me while I do the dishes, he’s playful, he follows me around, he greets the family at the door when we return home.

In short, he’s my ideal in the realm of feline fellows.

But there are some extremely un-dog (read: un-zen) like qualities that include, but are not limited to: random, guerrilla-style attacks; rude, wake-up-right-now-I-need-to-eat morning rituals; the use of my laptop keyboard as a place to ponder life—only while I work, of course; ‘grooming’ my hair by gripping my head and chewing; grooming his nether regions loudly and aggressively in the middle of the room while I wind down for the night.

You know…cat stuff.

Cats are jerks. Awesome jerks, yes. But jerks, nonetheless.

If more evidence is required, enjoy the following footage of more jerks doing jerky things.

Jerks don’t care about your stuff:

Jerks are bed-stealers:

Jerks are also ‘you shall not pass-ers’:

Did you know that jerks ruin Christmas? Because they do:

And card towers:

And everything:

Note: no jerky cats were harmed physically or emotionally in the writing of this post. In fact, my favorite jerk is snoring next to me as I type.


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Editor: Bryonie Wise

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graciela Nov 11, 2015 8:53am

yes, it´s right, my cat also behave like that,he waits for me, when I take the elevator, he goes downs stairs and wait me at the other floor next to the door where he visit another friend cat at the 4th floor. And it´s because he is intelligent and well cared and loved. I never punish him, when he does something awfaul.
I really love him. He understand almost everything. And when I am ill, he stays by me all day. I don´t feel me alone when he is with me. He is always paying attention.

Courtney Nov 11, 2015 8:07am

This article is lovely but it is a pet peeve of mine when people refer to cats acting like dogs when they do things like hang out with you, are playful and greet you at the door. That is not a cat acting like a dog. That is a cat acting like a being that is well taken care of and loved <3

619peace Jan 23, 2014 6:08pm

Hilarious!! Thanks for that:)

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Sara Crolick

Sara Crolick is whiskey in a teacup. She loves elephants, vegetables, vintage typewriters, Audrey Hepburn and the written word, but not necessarily in that order. She raises two inspiring boys with her mister, who is a bona fide music-maker; this works out nicely, as she happens to also love music. You can connect with her via her site, Conversations with a Human Heart, her author page on Facebook and on Twitter, too.