Before We Fall in Love.

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Pixoto

I think I could be falling for someone, a little.

It’s exciting, and scary. It feels like I’m flying, and falling, and happy, and sad, like my stomach is full of hot sand and my chest is full of hummingbirds.

I love to fall in love. I love the warmth, and the fire. The way a new lover is unveiled like a summer’s day, slowly at first—a promise of heat in the air.  Sunlight on the horizon. Dare I say it… Birds singing, flowers blooming? Only a new lover, no matter how long they have been falling, can relate.

A summer’s day can unfold into a scorcher though, as well. So before my new love unfolds too much, there are some things I would like to say.

I’m not here to fix you. I’m not even here to figure you out. If you need to be fixed, or figured, or chased, I wish you all the best, but I simply cannot be involved—I don’t have the time, energy, or inclination. I am not looking for someone who is fixed, because I am still filling in my own cracks in many ways. But I need to know that you are capable, and willing, to fill in your own, without looking to me, or alcohol, or sex, or football, or outside things to fill in yours. From this place of caring deeply for ourselves, can we come together and care deeply for each other?

I need alone time. Probably about an hour every day to read, practice yoga, run, read the news, or just veg out. Some days it may be less. Some days it may be more. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. It doesn’t mean you’re annoying me. It simply means that in order to take care of myself, and you, and everyone else in our lives, I need time to reconnect with myself. I will always give you this same consideration. If you need more, or less, don’t be afraid to ask for it—or anything else, for that matter.

I need to marvel. I am someone who thrives in the richness of the soil, the brightness of the dawn, the colors of the sunset, the taste of rich black coffee. Even in the acuteness of the pain. I need to throw out my arms at least once every day and feel my heart sing in joyful harmony with the universe. And I need you to understand that.

Let’s agree that our relationship is a no judgement zone. You are free to be completely, 100% you. All of the burping, slightly odd, hogging the covers, overly generous, wickedly funny, crazy affectionate, million other wonderful you things that you are. Be them. Don’t ever hold back, even a bit, even when you think you will offend me or hurt my feelings, or that I will judge you. Because if we’re going to do this thing, all of those things will happen. And we cannot be afraid that the person we care about is to not going to care about us when we are not perfect—we will be cranky, and eat an entire bag of potato chips (me), and never clean the bathroom (you). Thoughtless words will be said. Let’s pause. Breathe. Address the issue without judgement, and talk.

On that note, let’s fight. Because sometimes you will hate me.

Sometimes I will annoy you so much you will want to claw out your own eardrums just to quiet the sound of my voice. And believe me, I’ll do the same, because my temper is like a thunder storm. Usually short, but wicked, and known to cause damage. We will get past it. If we accept each other. If we don’t stonewall. If we can give space, and love, and don’t fight dirty.

We will drive each other nuts.

Let’s talk.

Let’s be on the same side. Ours.

I want to feel amazed. By my love for you. By your love for me. By our love for each other, for life, for sunshine, for adventure, for patience. I don’t want to ever take advantage of you— if I do, I want you to gently remind me that sometimes I am selfish. I want to look at you every day, at least once, and wonder at how this perfectly imperfect life came to be.

I want you to think I am beautifully flawed and hopelessly whimsical.

Let me make blueberry scones for you, without a recipe, because I cannot follow them, and serve them on mismatched colored dishes. Then I will write, and practice yoga, and you will work on your computer. We will be quiet, but content. Later, we will walk downtown, and have a drink, and talk. About bicycles and tequila and Brazil, or perhaps fashion, because we can talk about anything. Or maybe we will sit quietly, because we can be quiet. We will walk home, touching hands occasionally, because I like to walk alone. We will make love slowly but roughly, full of the passion and heat born of two people who cannot get enough of life, or each other.

Let’s be silly. And sad. And joyful. Let’s explore the world, and each other, and the backyard. Let’s make cookies, and memories, and love, and gardens, and a life that is full. Of what, I’m not sure yet. It’s taken me a long time to get to this place… I’m ready to find out.

Relephant bonus:

 

This the the first in the series. See the second here.

Relephant Links:

Falling in Love: Tender as a Newborn.

10 Things Real Men Do.

I Love Me, Without Him.

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Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: Pixoto

 

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Kristin Diversi

Kristin Diversi is a star child, born and bred in rural New Jersey and currently enjoying the good coffee and fried chicken in Durham, North Carolina. After her favorite auntie introduced her to yoga over a decade ago, Kristin grounded her practice in the foundation of loving kindness, and today she strives to move from that place. She finds that each day brings new opportunities to find yoga in, and through, our lives, just as every day is a new chance to practice being a little more patient, and a little more kind, to others, as well as to ourselves. Kristin has a Master’s degree in Nutrition and is dedicated to empowering people with the resources to change their health, future, and lives. Find the things that make you come alive- and go do them. Become friends with Kristin at her blog, on Facebook, or @talksofyouandme!

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anonymous Apr 7, 2016 10:39pm

Wow, this was an amazing article, thank you so much for this amazing read.

anonymous Feb 25, 2016 1:10am

WOW. I am just getting out of a relationship that I am not really sure why it is ending. I wish I could of had this beautiful piece of art three years ago when I was starting off in the pursuit of the relationship. Maybe we could have been less stressed out about certain things that seemed to pull us away from the main reason why we were even together.

anonymous Aug 4, 2015 11:57pm

I absolutely loved this. It’s like you read my soul 🙂 I sent it to the man I am currently falling in love with and he loved it as well…I wish I could express myself like this. But since I can’t seem to put the way I feel into words, I’m grateful there are people like you in this beautiful world to do it for me.
Much love.

anonymous Jul 25, 2015 2:11am

A beautiful read indeed. It gives my heart wings. Thank you for the light and inspiration <3

anonymous Mar 26, 2015 11:00am

The way you write..it’s just beautiful! You take me into another world with your words 🙂

anonymous Mar 26, 2015 9:58am

Wowee this made my heart sing. I'm getting married in August. Thanks for the little reminder about how much I love my other half. You've got a way with words!

anonymous Mar 26, 2015 5:49am

<3 Beautiful article

anonymous Feb 14, 2015 8:38pm

Such beautiful words and so very true.

anonymous Nov 16, 2014 5:21pm

beautiful!

anonymous Nov 16, 2014 12:11am

Wow!!!!simply amazing… I love it…

anonymous Aug 24, 2014 9:50am

This is beautiful and you put my thoughts in to words

anonymous Apr 21, 2014 10:56pm

Really beautiful! Thanks for sharing your heart!

anonymous Apr 21, 2014 8:40pm

Absolutely Beautiful! Love in its finest

anonymous Apr 21, 2014 12:43pm

Beautiful in its simplicity. Sometimes I stumble across something like this which gives me so much hope. It makes living a little easier. Thank you Kristin.

anonymous Apr 21, 2014 10:23am

Yes. THIS. ♥

anonymous Apr 21, 2014 9:58am

Very well written, I think it's easy for single people to fantasize about relationships and forget that they're not always fun and certainly not the fairy tale paradise they're often made out to be.

anonymous Apr 21, 2014 1:50am

Thats a beautiful read…and so perfectly true and simple and necessary..

anonymous Mar 30, 2014 9:09am

Great work.It must be great for you to have discovered you feel this way. I think it’s always, a wonderful feeling to find out that you care about someone with so much love. Whether or not they return the feelings, it’s important for you to honor your own feelings about them. Some think it might be scarier if its the first time they are feeling this way about someone, and that’s also totally normal. Honestly, every time you fall in love, it can be a little scary, but as time goes by, you get used to it.

anonymous Mar 30, 2014 7:53am

I wish I could write to everyone individually and thank you for your love, and your feedback- if you want to get in touch, please reach out on facebook. If not, just know I am sending you my love, gratitude, and wishes for happiness, health, and peace.

anonymous Mar 29, 2014 3:02pm

thank u for the sharing beautiful words

anonymous Mar 28, 2014 5:25pm

beautiful work.

anonymous Mar 26, 2014 8:37pm

Lovely, lovely expression…and so right on. Saving this as a reminder for what I want/need in a relationship.

anonymous Mar 26, 2014 4:32pm

This is more than a letter, this speaks to my soul. Thank you for putting this into words for us all. Let us love more and demand less.

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 9:41pm

I really enjoyed this article. I'm glad so many did. I want to express my alarm at the part about fighting in the middle of it. As much as I agree that passion can cause the burden of overflowing experiences, the idea that, "Thoughtless words will be said." sounds to me like a rather immature concept that excuses violent thought because it isn't violent action. It is true that we are often not ideal, perfect goddess Beings. However, striving to come from a place of active Love and Compassion toward a partner in particular is something I personally want to strive for. I don't want to think it's okay to lash out and whip a loved one with a careless word or hurtful sentence. We can recondition our responses – starting with our thought process.

"On that note, let’s fight. Because sometimes you will hate me." I believe I understand what this sentence is trying to express. I don't agree that it is correct. As soon as we awaken to hatred or disgust for another Being, we must recognize that we are operating outside of the home of Love. I don't want to be secretly in judgement of a partner; it's heavy and unhealthy.

"I’ll do the same, because my temper is like a thunder storm. Usually short, but wicked, and known to cause damage. We will get past it. If we accept each other." The person who wrote this article may pride themselves on being a "firecracker" or an "intense" kind of Spirit. That is wonderful in the fierce, violent culture we live in, but outside of it this concept is flawed and dysfunctional. I have come from a very violent, hostile place in my life. I could (and can, I suppose) strike and wound others so deeply when I wanted to; I used to pride myself on this. I am proud of my aggression no long. I now love more fiercely. I don't strike back. Surrender to unjust attack and the acceptance of what is is not weakness; it's presence. While I allow myself to Be vulnerable, I also do not tolerate abusive relationships. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you. I refuse to sacrifice my purity for your abuses. You are still a fool and you are shameful. Removing yourself from an unjust situation as soon as possible is more effective than causing MORE violence by fighting out against it, oftentimes — tho all things are complex and detailed and I could go on for years about this concept.

Anyway, I am done ranting for now. I am not perfect and I fail sometimes. I know there are others out here who don't think it's normal and healthy to strike our lovers — whether physically, emotionally, or in the spirit. You're not alone in this. 🙂

Excellent article — scintillas of great conversation. <3

    anonymous Apr 21, 2014 3:12pm

    I don't think it's good to get angry at people and act on it, but we're all human, we've all done it, and we'll all do it again. The important thing is that it's dealt with and not internalized so it explodes later. It's my opinion that if a couple isn't disagreeing once in while, it's probably a sign of an unhealthy power dynamic where one partner makes all of the decisions.

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 12:26pm

The need for time to reconnect with oneself – often overlooked in relationships. Loving this.

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 10:51am

Kristin,

Reading this was a like a breath of fresh air. You took the words out of my soul. Thank you.

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 8:54am

wow. this is exactly how i am feeling right now. Thankyou for putting it down so beautifully. SO BEAUTIFUL THIS LOVE!

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 8:11am

Read this to my husband. Only because this is our own goal in our relationship, and in our marriage. Not just for single people. Can very well have this in a marriage too.
Thank you for sharing. Very well written.

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 7:52am

I totally loved this!! I wanted the words best to say to someone when I fall in love again and this is exactly the way I would want to say it!! Its great for counseling couples as well. As a minister who counsels people before weddings I will work off this!!

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 7:43am

This is amazing. I’m not necessarily falling in love at the moment, but should I get to that point…. I want this handy. Imperfect relationship perfection! Beautifully written 🙂

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 7:24am

my daughter who is 30 and just met a new guy sent me this. I just spoke with her on the phone. This sounds just

like her writing. She is wonderful and loving, intelligent and compassionate, fearlessly emotional and has so much

love to give. Thank you for writing this. It is perfect and I would love for you to send her a personal message.

If that is possible you can contact me at my email address.

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 6:57am

Thank you so much =) so much love to you!!! my heart is warm and full today.

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 2:34am

I love this article Kristin x

anonymous Mar 25, 2014 2:15am

Thanks Kristin. This was very touching and meaningful.

anonymous Mar 24, 2014 10:28pm

That’s sounds pretty wonderful Kristin. Move to California, plenty of good yoga and coffee here 🙂

anonymous Mar 24, 2014 9:51pm

Inspiring!

anonymous Mar 24, 2014 8:02pm

perfect.

anonymous Mar 24, 2014 5:18pm

I love, love, love this – just starting dating again, with a slightly better understanding of myself, and you've just completely put what I want into words. I agree with Kara C – total writers crush 🙂

anonymous Mar 24, 2014 1:09pm

Love to you both =)

anonymous Mar 24, 2014 12:31pm

Lovely and beautifully written… totally have a writer’s crush on you now!

anonymous Mar 24, 2014 12:24pm

Beautiful beautiful words.. if only we could all enter into relationships in this way, the world would be a much much richer place.

Thandeka Gumede Mentoor Nov 16, 2018 5:00pm

Beautifully written ❤ I saw myself in you. Your read gave me so many "AHA" moments. Thank you for sharing...

Christine Marie Jul 11, 2017 10:40am

Thanks for sharing beautifully written

Joe Holtaway Aug 14, 2016 9:43pm

Lovely and heart felt - came by this from a friend and just had to say appreciate you sharing