How to Love a Girl Who Doesn’t Know How to Be Loved.

Via on Mar 17, 2014

 Photo: Tainara

Whether we know it or not, we’ve all met some form of the typical “Miss Independent.”

Some of us know her better than others; some of us claim that title ourselves.

She’s the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.

Some might see her as cold and distant, because she needs a significant amount of alone time to keep her from feeling scattered and spread so thin that she disappears. Sure, she has family and friends with whom she loves to spend much of her time, but it’s in her nature to crave those precious hours of solitude—being only with her thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the vastness of a quiet scene.

Some call it antisocial; she calls it sanity.

For any or all of these reasons and then some, she’s never been the type to “fall in love.” In fact, if she has ever been in a relationship to any degree, it was likely one of the most difficult and confusing things she’s ever experienced—and she’s not usually one to be deterred.

Perhaps she’s too focused on her goals to realize that love could be knocking on her door, or she’s so comfortable with being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes her uneasy. There’s also a chance that, despite her outward confidence and undeniable potential for success, she’s extremely insecure.

Or, maybe she’s simply afraid of opening herself up enough to be loved.

Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that this girl probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor might want to give her. It doesn’t mean she’s a lost cause, it just means that developing any kind of relationship with her will require an approach that’s more sensitive to her guarded heart.

In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for learning how to love a girl who doesn’t know how to be loved:

1. Be patient.

Don’t expect her to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending her time with you. And if she does appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she’s actually terrified of what you’ll think of her if she asks to slow things down. So, she just musters the strength to submit herself to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about her dishonesty and inability step on the brakes. This will freak her out enough to make her sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately—something she’s not afraid to do.

To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember, she’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send her over the edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace will let her know that she doesn’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

2. Talk.

Because she spends so much of her time alone and in her head, this girl might be under the impression that her thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the things on her mind, as she fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think it’s overdramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. She values deep conversation, but feels that she can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all.

So talk with her. Let her know that she can say what’s on her mind, and don’t be afraid of her ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory she’s been hung up on for weeks. If she apologizes for rambling about it, tell her she doesn’t need to be sorry, she doesn’t need to suppress it. Make her feel that although she is certainly unique for having such thoughts, she isn’t crazy or abnormal.

Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.

And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to engage in her contemplations just as much as you listen; she wants to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

3. Support her.

Part of this girl’s struggle with letting herself be loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on her dreams and goals, so much so that she forgets to make room in her life for other things—like relationships. It’s not something she does intentionally, she’s just extremely determined to achieve whatever she has set out to do.

If she is forced to make a choice between a love life and her goals, she’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make her choose.

And certainly don’t make her feel guilty for not spending more of her time with you as a result—she’ll take that as another sign that she needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.

Instead, support her. If you really love this girl and she really loves you, then she’ll welcome the encouragement. She’ll want to support you, too. Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you’ll want her on your team.

4. Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two wholes that make an even greater whole.

Remember that this “Miss Independent” is just that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for herself. She might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much she trusts them.

Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with her as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; she won’t treat it as such, and she definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.

This includes honoring her need for alone time. She realizes that you are a person with or without her and asks that you see her in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to her; she doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does she want you to rely on hers.

Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with her unless you want her to feel so bombarded that she tailspins into a mess of tears, word vomit and utter confusion, ending with her breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again.

But when you are together, be together. Completely. Let her know she is loved until she begins to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, she’ll come around. And because she’s loyal by nature, she’ll stick around, too (so don’t give her any reason to think that you won’t).

Truly, this girl has a lot of love to give, even if she’s a bit awkward in showing it at first. She just needs time—time to figure things out for herself, to better understand how this works.

Let her figure out that deep down, she just wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.

If she happens to let you close enough to love her, take it seriously. It means she’s trying. It means she wants to love you. And remember that helping her learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win her heart.



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Editor: Cat Beekmans

Photo: Flickr

About Sara Rodriguez

Sara is a curious cat who loves words, yoga, scrunchy-nosed smiles, a good sweat and deep conversations. She’s pretty sure there’s no such thing as asking too many questions, and even if there is such a thing, she’s pretty sure she doesn’t care. Her heart is her tour guide on this crazy beautiful journey and she’s loving every second of it. You can check out her blog and find her on Facebook to get in touch.


275 Responses to “How to Love a Girl Who Doesn’t Know How to Be Loved.”

  1. bon says:

    This aritcle is Exaclly the way my now ex gf is like. For me i never met a girl like this before and after this article i relized it wasnt me thinking she was pushing me away. And i pushed to hard and forced her into needing space and not wanting a relationship she just wants to be alone. I just want to know if there is any chance or way to get this girl back since i didnt give the space a independant girl needs and forced her to break up with me. I realy love this girl and care for her it just i came at the relationship wrong thinking every other girl in my past needed me to support them all time. And for this chick i seen something else and reacted wrong way to her needs. Any advice on how to get a independant girl back after she broke it off needing space but she will still talk to me just doesnt want to talk about the relationship just need time find where her heart is..

  2. Thank you Sabina! So gla you enjoyed it :)

  3. Christopher says:

    Terrific article. This should be required man-reading.

  4. Thank Sara, my love just broken few days, she's everything to me. But now is nothing. May be read look easy, but love never become what you think. At least is for me.

  5. Carrie S. says:

    A Wonderful Insightful Well Written Article, Sara.

    I forwarded the article to my bf to help him understand me better.

    Thank you!

  6. krystalfrasier says:

    Thank you so much for this article. Like some of the others above, I feel this is me. At 22 and never having been "official" with anyone, I feel that there have at times been something wrong with me, but now I know that like the article says, I need to be patient in finding that someone, just like that special someone will need to be patient with me. It will be a (very long) two way street for us, but will be worth it in the end, I'm sure. I've read a lot of blogs about independent women and not being loved, or knowing how to love, but this is the only one I have ever related to so much. Just in the first point alone, every single sentence has fit in some way in my life. Definitely needed this, and I'm going to thank my friend for sharing this on Facebook so others could read this amazing article. Again, thank you!

  7. ZoticussLife says:

    Wonderful article, I hope many people are able to read this and even take away one or two things. You touched on looking at things as two wholes, which I feel very strongly about not just in the situation of an independant women but in every relationship.
    I'm not trying to hijack the comments I swear! If you're to be able to love someone to the fullest extent I've found you need to learn to love yourself first, because if you can't handle your own personality you're not ready to love another wholeheartedly… I think you understand that though.
    Keep up with the good articles and have a wonderful Month not just day!

  8. heinzkarl5700 says:

    Sara Rodriquez !!!!!!
    Please Help me! This post really hit home for me. I am currently dating an amazing girl who is this personality type. She has recently been involved in relationships that make it difficult for us to "get to the next level". We are currently on a break so that she can have some space. I let her dictate the pace of the relationship because she has been through some really severe stalking issues. I want to help her because we are compatible on many levels. She enjoys her time alone and I am okay with hanging out with her once or twice a week. She works two jobs and the time we do spend together is amazing. Totally relaxed and we share a lot of emotions, conversations and intimacy is not an issue (beyond amazing). I feel as if she needs and wants her alone time and I know she is into me because I am introduced to friends of hers and they say "oh, so glad to meet you (miss X) has told me so much about you" …… she seems distant and vague at times. Do I just hang in there or give her space?

  9. aarjay says:

    WOW! Just WOW! Thanks for the wonderful insight! This hits like a nail on my head. And I am glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way!

  10. MeAgain says:

    I am that gal & i do not know how to accept or feel loved.I know i can& do love ppl emensly,i struggle to acknowledge exactly "what it is" im supposed to "feel" to know it is infact love.fact is a traumatic life of never being loved AT ALL.I have always been passed along,someone else's burden to resent.Even due to such neglect,this has never refrained me from doting/loving others.Im generally too nice& attract dismal flavours to say the least.Its a nasty feeling to be "vulnerable"especially being independant,feels shameful.The way i see it is… always upfront& honest.I have to expose a past id rather not disclose,but if i would like that special click,then i am obliged to inform partners,that my behaviours are reflections of circumstance & nothing hes done or caused.If & i mean IF,he has actually cared enough to listen,he should at least be ready for "understanding & compassion"These are not a dcream for attention,these are infact the very basics needed to start a foundation upon.These days ppl seem to think i need a pity vote….far from…i need a loyal decent caring man with respect towards being utterly understanding.I begin at victim for that is what the past has maintained in giving.Some circumstances are way beyond anyones comprehension,including my own.I am miss independent….BUT…I've been socially engineered,manipulated,used,discarded& many other unspeakable wrong doings.I now live in solitude due to fear of ppl.I try my damn hardest to get help…(haha yeh sure)no one is really interested,hence to begin with(independence.).It kind of pees me off to hear ppl moan about my behaviour when all i ask is to be understood.I wouldn't impose my life upon anyone.Sorry for negativity…sometimes have to be negative to try put my point across.Not an easy subject to explain.

  11. Rachel says:

    Thank you for this! I felt like you wrote it about me. Are you by any chance an introvert, scorpio, highly sensitive person? :)

    • Kim says:

      Oh my goodness, I just read the article and thought this was eerily too much like me. And then I read your comment! Introvert, Scorpio, highly sensitive person right here too! Gosh, I think I know what I'll be pondering the next while, as not knowing how to be loved feels like something to work on.

  12. Closer says:

    Thank you for this. I've read this at least 10 times. I've never been able to fully make someone understand who I am and you did it perfectly. <3

  13. Lizette R says:

    Wow! Right on the dot, totally me! Great article, totally felt like a weirdo with major issues for awhile but now after reading this and the comments Im so happy I am not alone (or strange) Thank you! =)

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