March 9, 2014

The Goodbye I Wish To Say. ~ Cami Krueger


I dreamt of you last night.

We talked on the phone as if nothing had changed. I heard you smile when you joked with me, as you always did when you made me laugh. My heart warmed and melted. You were always able to melt me.

I woke up with the sensation of that warmth embracing me. All is right with the world. I smiled into my pillow as I thought of our conversation, aware it was only a dream. Yet for me, it really happened.

I have finally reached a place where my thoughts of you only bring me joy.

I actually smile now, from the inside, at the memory of you. The way your eyes lit up when you gazed into mine. The way tears would overflow at the feelings of wow between us. The way you would laugh at every silly move I made, and delight in my sense of wonder. I remember you only fondly. I actually experienced such love in my lifetime. What a blessing you are to me. Thank you.

Gone is the sadness. Gone is the narrative gone bad. Gone are the regrets, the would-haves, the mulligans. Gone are the chances for anything to have happened in any other way. Just awe and wonder at the joy and the love and the intensity of our time together.

It doesn’t really hurt anymore when I recall our adventures together. The sting only lasts for the briefest of moments, before I remember that I actually don’t know if there will ever be more adventure with you. I am at peace with not knowing anymore. I surrendered my need for you. Love contains it all.

My love for you lives on in me and the best part is, I still benefit from it!

Through these months, I have moved into the largest capacity my heart has yet expanded to, enveloping every aspect of you, including your need to remove me from your life. You are doing all that you can do, to take care of yourself and your own heart. And for that, I am grateful. There is nothing I want more for you than utter joy.

In losing you, I found my way to myself. You will always be loved here, where there is no more hurt at the loss of you, just gratitude for your strength in honoring your path. And the new aliveness in me, honoring my own.

We were two of the lucky ones.


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Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: elephant archive

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