Why My Libido Doesn’t Always Ride Shotgun.

The Elephant Ecosystem

Every time you read, share, comment or heart you help an article improve its Rating—which helps Readers see important issues & writers win $$$ from Elephant. Learn more.

Views 10
Shares 10
Hearts 0.0
Comments 10
Editor's Pick 0.0
Total Ecosystem Rating 0.0
0 Do you love this article? Show the author your support by hearting.
34
35k

legs

The other night I engaged in a steamy, lust-filled, sexually-charged conversation with a close friend…and lover from my recent past.

We both felt urges to re-enact our yummy exchange in person the following week after he flew home from work.

In the heat of it all my libido was driving 180 miles per hour on the freeway high on the idea of some yummy sex yelling “oh baby!” with her hair blowing in the wind.

Completely fueled by desire, my libido was already thinking of what color of delicates she should wear and was left daydreaming about swilling a heaping glass of amarone while we made small talk before we tore each other’s clothes off.

Or would we skip small talk? Would I just show up in a denim shirt and scantily clad black lace delicates?

According to Sigmund Freud, desire comes from the part of our personalities called the id, located in the expanses of our mind.

Id is the unorganized part of the personality structure that contains a human’s basic, and instinctual drives. The id is a pleasure seeker who acts fast and without reason.

If we lived solely from this place we would all drive Lamborghinis, eat chocolate cake everyday for breakfast, have sex all the damn time—with anyone who made our heads turn full circle—get fired after we told our bosses they were an asshole and attempt to live in a Hilton in Bali for the rest of our lives.

It’s the “do” part of our minds, the “hit the red button” urge that fuels us to do stupid shit like pretend for a moment we can have no-strings-attached sex with someone who has left a lingering residue in our heart.

Oh, yeah.

Here comes “ego” or in other words my common sense and reasoning. The part of my mind that encourages me not to buy a Lamborghini as I haven’t recently won a jackpot, and who quietly tells me not to flip my boss the bird because he’s the reason I get a pay cheque at the end of the month.

My ego allows the fantasy and sexual gratification party going on my brain to thrive for a little while, as she understands my needs and desires…but after a short while she nudges me gently.

And then my “super ego” shows up in my process…aka my conscience kicks in and slams her foot down, hard. She looks over at my Id, Ego and heart across the table, rolls her eyes and says, “Really?” “You seriously think this is a good idea?” “You are completely useless—both of you are idiots.”

Then my Id and Ego hang their heads down, moping, listening to my super ego in silence resentfully while pushing their food around their plates.

“We are not buying a Lamborghini, you have low blood sugar and need to eat a substantial breakfast, we cannot afford to live in a Hilton and you are not putting delicates on for an hour long adventure in the sac that will give you an emotional hangover!”

The super ego is the party pooper for my libido. She gives my libido blue ovaries and and kicks her into the back seat when she tries to ride shotgun.

The man I was engaging with sexually had recently told me he was in no place for a relationship and I had spent the last month licking the wounds in my hearts from a distance.

Was this my final attempt at connection? Reaching out in a last desperate resort?

Or was this harmless? Isn’t engaging without any intent okay, sometimes? Every once in a while shouldn’t we just throw our analytics out the window and be in the moment—have wild, yummy sex just because we can?

Eventually my boobs will not look like this.

Sex is part of life—it’s healthy and normal and we need it. I am all for sex.

But what was my intent? Why did I stop myself?

I stopped because I had been there before. And after sex nothing shifted.

Sleeping with a man will not make him like you.

He may love the way your ass feels in his hand. The way you taste when your body’s dripping with sweat. The way you moan when he touches you.

He may love pulling your hair and the arch it makes in your back. But as soon as those endorphins wear off and his erection, his interest, attention and affection will slowly subside and sometimes disappear entirely.

Without love, sex is like a grade six dance where our souls hold each other two feet away so we may engage at a distance—without the vulnerability, without the scariness, without intertwining our souls in salty, sweaty, sweet togetherness. The space between us makes it safe and also lacking in all the joy making love can be.

So why do we sometimes take our clothes off in a last resort to connect with a man who is not reciprocating our feelings and affection?

Why do we reach out with our last asset available to ourselves as woman—our asses—in some lucid, far fetched hope that the moment the heat and steam dissipates, that he will want to stick around and invite us to meet his parents?

I’m guilty of this.

I’ve dated ’emotionphobes’ who are so deeply disconnected from their hearts they are numb. As a rescuer and a fixer upper, my desires can sometimes foolishly take wheel and have my heart sits back seat—compromised. It truly yearns for love and to be in a relationship—not to succumb to sex. Sex is a form of affection, but it is not its most authentic form.

Sex with no intent but to gain the affection of another is harmful. Shouldn’t we know we want to mix our sexual energy with that of another before we have sex? Not the other way around?

Having a one night stand and then scrambling to find common ground….things that make us compatible the morning after like…the color blue, or perhaps our love for ice cream probably worked for some married couple out there—but it also probably hurt a few hearts in the process.

Knowing our intent before we engage with another person is powerful and important. It’s never worth compromising your heart, or body if what you desire is not mutually shared with another person.

My heart and super ego run the show and know the difference. My heart listens to my intuition and isn’t afraid to speak up when I am mindlessly acting on impulse. She is the first person to speak up and say, “Hey! This is a bonehead idea. Put your vagina back in your pants and just keep swimming until you find someone who wants all of you.”

She knows she is not truly satisfied with having her panties ripped off and an hour long adventure in the sac. She’s too intelligent for that.

 

She wants it all: a yummyness and love that lasts for minutes, hours and days. Full of affection in all its incredible forms, not just one.

 

Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: courtesy of the author

The Elephant Ecosystem

Every time you read, share, comment or heart you help an article improve its Rating—which helps Readers see important issues & writers win $$$ from Elephant. Learn more.

Views 10
Shares 10
Hearts 0.0
Comments 10
Editor's Pick 0.0
Total Ecosystem Rating 0.0
0 Do you love this article? Show the author your support by hearting.
34
35k

Elephant:Now
is a new feature on Elephant Journal—enabling you to instantly share your mindful ideas, photos, art, YouTube videos/Instagram links & writings with our 5 million readers. Try it Now.

Write Now

Janne Robinson

Janne Robinson is a poet, writer, bushwalker, idealist and animal activist currently residing in Vancouver Island. She cuts kindling with her teeth, eats Bukowski for breakfast and makes the habit of saying the word feminist as much as possible. She surfs naked, pees in the woods, and loves whiskeys that swing their hips when they walk and know what they are doing. Janne's life-work is to be transparent. She makes a living off hanging her dirty and clean laundry out for the world to see. Her mission is to give others permission to also walk and exist with the same transparency. You can connect with her on TwitterInstagram and Facebook. Please also visit and connect with her Facebook writer's page. Check out Janne's website.

Comments

34 Responses to “Why My Libido Doesn’t Always Ride Shotgun.”

  1. Clover says:

    Thank you. Another’s shared experience opens the eyes and mind to the truth.

  2. Kate says:

    I'm 24, at 22 I gave myself to my first real love, who was 35.. but even though it wasn't right from the very start, for many reasons.. we shared some times of absolute, mutual love and passion.. other times I knew, but ignored, the fact that it wasn't right and he was showing signs in his actions.. still, I'm very grateful to have been drawn to him and learned so much, I'm glad I chose him as my first.
    I've recently had a second, but for one night, also in mid 30's.. I never want to do that again, one night.. ever.. but I'm grateful for the experience of complete abandon and surrender to my desire to be had, though there were precious few moments I felt truely intimate with him.
    I'm bookmarking this artice to re-read over and over, should I feel an incling of such desire again.
    Thank you Janne Robinson.
    Love, light & blessings.
    Kate

    • jannerobinson says:

      Hi Kate,

      Sex is such a beautiful thing to share.. in any capacity, but I know that my heart and spirit are on a roller coaster of joy when they experience it with someone who they want to devour all of- not just their bodies. I don't think one night stands are "wrong", they just don't fill me up the same way, sounds like you understand.

      Thank you for taking the time to write me- you fed my heart with your words. You're the first person to book mark my writing, so that feels pretty darn special.

      You're so, so welcome. Love to you on your journey with your libido 😉

      Janne

  3. Chantelle says:

    Such a great article with a powerful message, these times were living in promote quite the opposite. Hedonism will never give us true contentment, the thing with pleasure seeking is it never ends, your never really satisfied. Good on ya girl, hormones can be hard to say no to.

    • jannerobinson says:

      Thanks for the kind works Chantelle. Pleasure and sex are important- but there are so very many other things that can give us fuller contentment. I agree with you.

      warmly,

      Janne

  4. jessgigl8 says:

    “Hey! This is a bonehead idea. Put your vagina back in your pants and just keep swimming until you find someone who wants all of you.” My favorite line from your article.. laughed out-loud, only because I have heard this voice alot lately.
    I am over 50 and very much in my sexual prime with regard to appetite.. but still an adolescent when it comes to emotional connection. still damaged enough to be willing to suppress my awesome-ness for a little affection, even when I know what a healthy connection feels like. There is no need to settle, but there is a need to be more selective. And not assume because another is willing to engage in sex, they are also willing to be intimate. Not the same thing for them..even if the two are connected for me. Thanks Janne.

    • jannerobinson says:

      Hey Jess!

      I am glad you liked that. It was one of those sentences where I was like hmmm, should I keep that? Considering my mom and grandma have facebook 😉

      Sounds like you have spent some time inside your own heart and libido thinking and talking about all of this. I am glad to hear your libido is still charging ahead full steam, and in regards to being adolescent in your emotional connection.. You know you can shift that if you desire too. Be careful how many times you think sometimes because there is a chance to speak it into existence as a belief. Vulnerability is the first step to emotion, and its scary as hell and its all so juicy and sweet once we surrender to it. And sex with vulnerability, oh man…

      Thank you for taking the time to reply and being so damn open and awesome!

      Janne

    • EmmaPeel61 says:

      This is also my experience…reconnected with a guy who dumped me three years ago because I thought he would be ready for a relationship this time around…we had five months of "hanging out" together…dinners, movies and lots of amazing sex, but he just would not commit and I didn't force the issue…pretended that what we had was what I wanted. A couple of weeks ago he stopped texting and started ignoring texts from me. No explanation. I knew it was risky getting involved with him again, but I did it anyway. We live not far from each other and I know I will run into him from time to time…I just hope I have finally learned from this second painful experience with someone who doesn't deserve my heart, or any other parts of me!

  5. Shelly F says:

    Thank you for posting this. I've also been there, sleeping with a man in a lame attempt to win his affections. As predicted, he was only only interested in the moment, and I was left feeling emotionally hungover. I also want it all, a man who respects me, my views and all the big words I use. At the same time, he will have sex with me until I scream, cry and see god! I want it all and refuse to settle for anything else because I know I'm worth it!

    • jannerobinson says:

      Hey Shelly,

      Sometimes we aren't even aware of our actions, but when we are then it becomes harder to pull the blindfolds over our very stubborn, alive and beating hearts. A real man will want to get your soul naked before he gets you in bed. Keep holding out sister- you will have it all!! I love the fiest in your last sentence (KEEP THAT up) 🙂

      Love,

      Janne

  6. Ross O. says:

    Thank you, Janne. On the path of learning to wield my sexual energy in a constructive way, your words help to vanquish the shame that I have encountered along the way.

    • jannerobinson says:

      Hey Ross,

      Nip that shame in the butt. I just wrote an article called " A Take no shit list for your well being". One of the points talks about shame, and purple elephants. The greatest way to overcome shame is to douse it with so much empathy, light and compassion it drowns. It is hard but so good to do for ourselves.

      I am also still on that path- learning all the time. Thank you for taking the time to reply. 🙂

      Janne

  7. Goddamnit says:

    Amazing article. How apt that I should stumble upon it today especially after a weekend of "steamy, lust-filled, sexually-charged conversation with a close friend" who is an emotionphobe.
    Your words echo each sentiment I fee and the battle within that goes on between my head, heart and ego. I want to give in so badly at times but I keep thinking of the aftermath. Sigh..what a way to live.

    Guess I'll have to keep swimming until I find someone who wants all of me.

    • jannerobinson says:

      Goddamnit, what's your REAL name?!

      So silly and wonderful. YES! just keep swimming. In the meantime– it's national masturbation months, I am sure some toy shop is taking advantage of that for their marketing and there are vibrators on special somewhere 😉

      Thanks for writing me,

      Janne

  8. Stephen says:

    Dear Me,

    Feeling lile an idiot, especially when it comes to your sense of emotional connectedness, sucks. Sometimes you can genuinely connect the suck to the overt actions of another. Most of the time, it seems that it is due to self-imposed blindness; a too-often 'feeling' that this time isn't the same as the other time. Except it isn't. It is actually different, except you're here, and you are doing that same thing I did the other time.

    Self, disconnect from your patterns. You've learned this lesson from the pain it brought well enough. Stop drinking it–it really isn't Kool-aid–become the person you can love and, at the very least, go discover some new and exciting things to feel stupid about. The shit-hole that you seem so intent on revisiting will turn into the promised garden of wisdom, but coming back to wallow only guarantees that the seeds will never germinate.

    Additionally, it makes you smell bad, and for better or worse, I have to live with you.

    Love,
    I

    • jannerobinson says:

      Hi Stephen,

      This was so wonderful and wordy I lost track of the meaning and am at a loss of how to respond. Regardless of thank you (I think)!

      Love,

      Janne

  9. Gineen says:

    I'm Struggling with this exact aituation right now. I've been losing some sleep over it, and here's the answer right here. It's like the fortune cookies I've been waiting for to give me an answer on what to do.

    Now I have to dig deep to get the courage to do it.

    • jannerobinson says:

      Gineen,

      Here's an extra handful of my own courage. After writing this I stumbled upon a WONDERFUL man who wanted to get to know my juicy soul first, it's been such a treat for me to be like, "wait, you don't want to have sex yet? Oh, okay…."

      Great men want us ALL!

      Love to you on the journey to that….

      Janne

  10. Bob Holdsworth says:

    Wonderful writing – from the heart and with humor (liked that line too). The metaphor of sex without love as a grade six dance was perfect. When I was younger, unconsciously I looked for sex as a substitute for the love I wanted but couldn't express emotionally. Then I found love and the union of our bodies filled my soul with a sense of complete joy and connection with her. That relationship is over and I am back dating. I've had one experience where we jumped into sex early in the relationship. The physical part felt good, yet at the end I knew something was lacking – that connection and feeling of giving my whole and true self was missing. Thank you for sharing you thoughts and words that challenge me to think and get closer to my truth.

    • jannerobinson says:

      Thank you Bob!

      I am glad you like that line– I smiled as I wrote it. It fit perfectly for my own heart. I also took sex as affection, love and validation for many years. Now it just doesn't cut it! I am touched deeply that this spoke to you in your own journey.

      Keep on, keeping on with that beautiful heart and you will stumble upon it all.

      with warmth,

      Janne

  11. Cindy says:

    great article, but find PLEASE find an adjective for sex other than "yummy"…

    • jannerobinson says:

      But it's how I feel Cindy. 😉 Yummy like that crisp glass of beer after sweating your ass off on a hike. Yummy just felt perfect, but I will pull my thesaurus out just for you when I next write about sex!

      Thanks for writing me!

      Janne

  12. cristina says:

    As I read your article janne,I was laughing to myself and ashamed at the same time. This was me, I had been there before and learned my lesson well.. I'm 42 and single because I chose to never settle for less. I deserve better than just sex without emotions. Sex is a beautiful thing you share with someone but without feelings or commitment its just an empty feeling.. It felt good in the moment but when its all over I felt empty again.. I'm happy that someone like you has the gusto to open our eyes.. So thank you again..

    • jannerobinson says:

      Cristina,

      I am so glad my words brought you insight and humor. I tried to make this laughable and also meaningful 😉 I so stinking glad to hear you don't settle for less. Find something that fills you up– in all ways, always.

      thanks for writing me,

      Janne

  13. Melanie says:

    Thanks for THAT very timely article. I'm still licking my wounds after a few encounters with a dear man I thought I was connecting with on many levels. After his poorly timed "a difficult decision" email, I've also decided that delightful part of a new relationship will just have to wait… My heart and head are too valuable and must be protected.

    • jannerobinson says:

      Melanie,

      They are so very important and worthy! Keep on holding out for someone who wants the whole melanie package.

      Love,

      Janne

  14. obatoke0214 says:

    just listen but i am so fine with this topic

  15. toko-qta.com says:

    Thanks for THAT very timely article. very good

  16. As I read your article janne,I was laughing to myself and ashamed at the same time

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.