6 Ways to Have Radically Intimate Sex. ~ Zoë Kors

Via on Jan 12, 2014


“Sometimes I get real lonely sleeping with you.” ~ Haruki Murakami, A Wild Sheep Chase

We want intimacy and avoid sex. Or we fear intimacy and crave sex.

There is a pervasive confusion about sex and intimacy. We use the words interchangeably, but purely physical intimacy stops way short of a meaningful experience or a sustainable connection. The more we focus on the physicality of sex—how we look, what we wear, toys and techniques—the further we get from true intimacy.

Here are my six suggestions for having radically intimate sex.

1. Shhhhh: No Talking

Often when we think of intimacy, we think about the sharing of secrets. There is something intimate about verbalizing our innermost thoughts and desires—especially when it comes to sex. However, as alluring as fantasy can be, by its very definition, it’s a way of escaping reality. And we tend to hide behind our words, using conversation as a means of avoiding vulnerability. We tell people who we are instead of showing them.

True intimacy with a lover happens in the silent moments of presence and connectedness between words.

Practice #1: Set a specific time to meet in the bedroom without speaking a single word. Spend an hour together, not talking, before any physical intimacy begins. Show up clean—physically and emotionally. This is an opportunity to let our stories fall away—as individuals and as a couple—making room for a deep, non-verbal, energetic connection.

2. Make It Anti-Climactic: No Orgasm

When Emerson said, “Life is a journey, not a destination” he meant that when we focus on getting to a particular goal, we miss value in the moments along the way. And so it is with sex. There are reports that women can have 11 different kinds of orgasms. From the time men are boys, they are fascinated with ejaculating (it’s a built-in, biological preoccupation on which the survival of the species depends!). We have misunderstood the destination of sex to be orgasm, and by doing so, robbed ourselves of some potentially powerful opportunities for both pleasure and intimacy.

Practice #2: Agree upfront to forgo reaching orgasm. Take the possibility completely off the table, for both of you. By doing so, you provide space to be present and find appreciation of each moment for the pleasure and connection it brings, without distraction. Take turns bringing each other close and backing off. Notice the powerful bond created as you hold each other on the brink of ecstasy.

3. Like a Lava Lamp: Slow It Way Down

We live in a fast-paced, over-stimulating, 140-character-status-update kind of world. As a culture, we are usually focused on “doing” rather than “being.” Because we juggle so many responsibilities, sex tends to become just another thing on the “To Do List.”

Rushing through the “doing of sex” does not encourage the “being” of intimacy.

Practice #3: Create a bubble of time and space to climb into together. Do whatever it takes to enable getting lost in your own world together. Make a conscious decision not to rush. Let energy flow between  you like a lava lamp. Moving verrrrry slowly, savor each moment of sensation and allow intimacy to rise.

4. Sealed with a Kiss: Undress Each Other

Whether it’s your first time together, or you’ve been having sex for 30 years, giving your body to your lover is a gift. To receive your partner’s body is a privilege. Don’t let modesty or habit stop you from honoring this generous exchange.

Practice #4: This practice is most comfortable done with the lights dimmed or by candlelight. Undress each other by taking turns removing one article of clothing at a time. As each piece comes off, gently kiss the part of the body revealed in gratitude.

5. In and Out: Breathe Life Into It

It is a technique in meditation to turn the focus from thoughts to the breath. In Tantra, partners will “match breath” as a way of forming an energetic connection that is not based on the giving and receiving of physical pleasure.

Practice #5: Begin in a simple embrace. Spend a few minutes slowing and synchronizing your breath. Silently negotiate a rhythm that is comfortable for both of you. Pause at the top of each inhale and at the bottom of each exhale, creating a moment of mutual stillness. Breathing together is facilitated by cooperation and consideration for each other. Try to maintain this collaboration as sex unfolds.

6. Windows to the Soul: Eye Gazing

Eye contact is a distinct point of connection. Yet, it is common to keep one’s eyes closed during sex. Extended eye contact reveals vulnerability, and so it can be a powerful facilitator of intimacy.

Practice #6: Sit on the floor facing each other and gaze into each other’s eyes without looking away for 20 minutes. Shifting from eye to eye helps sustain the gaze. Maintain eye contact as much as possible as sex unfolds. Play with looking into each other’s eyes all the way through orgasm. It is nearly impossible to climax with open eyes (like sneezing).

Gazing into your lover’s eyes at the moment of release just might be the very definition of intimacy.

Relephant Reads:

10 Yoga Poses to Improve Your Sex Life.

How Sex Makes Us Grateful. 

Sex: What Good is It? 


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Assistant Editor: Alicia Wozniak/Editor: Cat Beekmans

Photo: elephant journal archives

About Zoë Kors

Zoë Kors is the Managing Editor of LA Yoga Magazine, a certified life coach, writer, mother, yogini, existential detective and vortex surfer. She offers Spiritual Core Empowerment programs for women, in which she draws on the principles of Eastern philosophy and the healing practices of yoga, breathwork, and meditation and blends them with more process-oriented modalities of Western psychotherapy and Co-Active Coaching to create sustainable transformation. She lives in Los Angeles with her son and daughter.She can be found at ZoeKors.com, on Facebook and Twitter


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26 Responses to “6 Ways to Have Radically Intimate Sex. ~ Zoë Kors”

  1. ankiss34 says:

    That was beautiful. Thank you.

  2. inbtwndreams says:

    Pure, innocent, bliss.. some words that came to mind. This article was divine, and to have experienced to understand this type of intimacy even more so..

    In observation, over this past year I have found #3 to be the most difficult. Many are so hyper-focused on 'doing' that there's "no time" for being. Our 140-character society has people so over-stimulated they don't even know how to slow down, let alone how to begin building the bridge of trust to experience the level of intimacy you've described. With the embellishment of sitcoms, pop culture interpretations, and 'reality tv' it makes my heart ache for those who have lived their lives never having experienced the beauty you've articulated.. and I believe it's more common than we realize, especially among the very intimacy-confused younger generations..

    Thank you for sharing!

    • Zoe Kors says:

      Thank you for commenting. Yes…slowing down is a muscle that can be developed with practice. We have have such a limited version of sex in the media. It's can be wonderful and exciting, AND it can be smokin' hot to move slowly and be present to every nuance. Thank you for reading! —Zoe

  3. Iva says:

    As someone who operates under a model of explicit consent even with my most trusted and beloved partners, the "no talking" section of this piece is troubling to me. While silent love making may be ideal for some people, it can be terrifying for someone recovering from sexual trauma. Sadly, I do not think that people talk enough about what it is that they want during sex, and, at least for me, removing explicit verbal consent from sex has the potential to undo the work I have been doing to heal. I am not taking this piece as a universal instruction manual or anything. I just wanted to offer another perspective on intimacy.

    • Zoe Kors says:

      Thank you so much for your feedback, Iva. I appreciate the perspective. Yes, this is definitely not a manual for healing from sexual trauma. The practice of not talking comes from my work with couples who get caught in patterns and stories that are largely expressed through words. Many people don't even realize they are hiding behind words. For couple's who have a lot of history, or who tend to bring the details of their day into the bedroom, this can be a wonderful way to connect from the heart instead of the head. I fully support using these practices as they feel good and safe. Thank you again for sharing your concern. —Zoe

    • Sara says:

      I agree Iva, being a survivor myself. However, could a conversation maybe be had before hand that would help you feel more comfortable with that one? There would have to be in order to come to the agreements in the first place, right? Just my thoughts on that piece…
      I've never had the levels of intimacy described here and they sound rather delicious to me, but I do think it might take some time to get there, personally. Darn. ;)

    • Ali says:

      i have been lucky to experience this type of connection with someone i loved and trusted completely, so for the first time in years since i suffered a sexual assault i was able to fully feel my sexuality and vulnerability. It was very frightening at times, but gazing into each others eyes was what anchored me back into reality and love. It was when we stopped looking into each others eyes that my mind would go off into horrible memories. Speaking openly about my history beforehand, and making an agreement with my partner to stay present and not judge no matter what came up made it easier for me to stay open and vulnerable. Love pierced through the pain, and i discovered that it went way beyond it, it reached ME.

      • Zoe Kors says:

        Thank you so much for sharing this, Ali. What a beautiful healing. Brava to you for finding the courage to allow your partner in so deeply. And bravo to him (or her…) for being present to you in that tender space. Love!

    • I had an incredible trigger with the idea of not speaking with my partner ~ especially durning intimacy ~
      I will feel into that experience a little more to see if there’s some flexibility :: maybe something to learn here, for me

      This was an excellent article none the less!

  4. Ganapathy Das says:

    Beautifully written and so true on all points, Zoe. Nothing better than two being one, eyes locked, breath shared, the rest of the world melted away. Well done!!!

  5. laportama says:

    Look at the etymology of INTIMACY:
    TEMERE == to FEAR.
    Might have something to do why we enjoy a class we attend regularly, with no outside distractions/ attachments/expectations.
    That's yoga.
    ANd when does yoga happen? When does laughter happen? Orgasm? Breathing? NOW. ONLY NOW.

  6. Marime Mañana says:

    This article rocks!! Holy cow someone has it down!! No words.

  7. erin says:

    As i was reading this i kept thinking this is what happened when i was last with my love. For days after we were kind of in a daze so connected and needing to be together we could not understand but we knew something was different. It was the most intimate sexual encounter we have ever had ,and we have I think a great sex life but this was just different.

  8. sabine says:

    …..phew… think I need a cigarette (and I don't smoke…lol….)

  9. Kat says:

    This. This is the best article I've read in months.

  10. charliehaskins says:

    Ugh!!! This…is natural, common sense. The fact that is almost instructional fares poor on humankind.

    • Zoe Kors says:

      Thanks for commenting, Charlie. Meditation is also common sense, and yet many of us need to be reminded to connect in a meaningful "natural" way…with ourselves and with each other.

  11. Aquila chrysaetos says:

    Vulnerability maybe the most challenging of all human experiences. To admit to ourselves how deeply we can love, much less to another, takes a significant amount of courage. I've found that intimacy comes from an established trust and an opening of one's soul to another, while great sex can simply spark from chemistry. I agree, they often get confused and as much as we hope the two come in the same package, that's not always the case. I like how you've set a boundary between sex and intimacy to help couples experiences for themselves these differences. It takes commitment in a relationship to have sex, then move into making love, then finally brave f*#cking, then gloriously toggling between the three. May we all find true love and intimacy.

  12. Susn says:

    Loved the article. Going to fine tune some things but a lot of this is how my boyfriend and I already interact. Thanks for the information. :)

  13. mttsmith says:

    Wonderful – I am sharing with my husband and grown sons – no excuse rushing.

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