If you’re single, dating, and doing it like myself, you’re doing it online.

Chances are, if you operate even remotely similarly to myself, you have a very well thought-out profile that you’ve spent time considering and planning out.

To start with, you have nine assorted photos that range from selfies to (recent) full body shots to a few with your buddies. You have exactly three paragraphs (as two would be too few and four is too many). Your text carries intelligence and meaning; you keep it just a bit funny—to add appeal and showcase your stunning personality. You’ve answered all the questions honestly and to your best ability.

If you’re anything at all like myself, you have a short list of must-haves.

This consists of things like: job, car, your own place, pay your child support (if this applies), no baby-mama drama, be able to make me laugh, etc. By and large, it’s basic stuff. You’re weary of constructing too many guidelines for this “dating thing,” for fear of limiting your experience and missing out on what might have been. If you’re like me, you’ve done this before and suffered the repercussions.

You’re ready to commence on your journey. You take your armor off and slip into something that feels sexy. Whether it’s satin lingerie or organic cotton sweats, you’re setting a tone here and that “tone” is: “I’m equipped for whatever this may bring.”

You light your lemon verbena candle next to your bed and put on your Nora Jones Pandora Playlist. You breathe. Then you begin your search for Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now. Whatever you happen to be in the mood for at the time.

Occasionally your mailbox dings, and you check it hopefully. Here comes the fun part—and by fun I mean the opposite of fun, which is disappointing. Upon opening your email, you see a shirtless, faceless male (with not bad looking abs I might add) who has responded to your best attempt at this “dating thing” by saying: “Hey sexy.”

It feels like someone picked up their hand and slapped you in the face with it.

You’ve put effort into this. This is equivalent to finding a friendly hello from your “friends” at Monsanto in your mailbox. Appalled. You pick your jaw up, by-pass all the shirtless photos and carry on.

Your mailbox dings again. This time it’s from a guy who calls himself cougarchaser69. No joke. That’s what this guy calls himself. You’re 33 and before you even read it (and you only do so to further amuse yourself), you’re beyond insulted. Since when do “cougar chasers” hunt 33-year-old women?! Furthermore, Mr. Cougarchaser69, you do not have a photo and I simply cannot consider that position with someone I haven’t seen.

Now just to clarify—I’m all about acceptance. I’m sure there is someone out there for that ol’ bloke. It’s just not me. A younger version of me may have swooned. I may have feigned interest even, just for the sake of keeping his (or any man’s) attention. Sigh.

But I’m older now, wiser and confident. I know my worth and I’m not willing to compromise my dignity for the sake of a cheap thrill. And if that’s your kind of thing, I assure you I’m not one to judge; but again, if you’re anything at all like myself, that’s simply just not your thing.

You’re looking for someone of strong moral character, with an aptitude for altruism.

What you’re hoping to find is someone who will value you and treat you as an equal, who deserves respect that is comparable to that which he’d give the elderly he helps across the street. The man who stops and fishes for a dollar from his wallet for the homeless, because the change in his pocket simply isn’t enough, and he cares not how this homeless gentlemen ended up here or how he spends his dollar, because he gives without conditions. And he loves the same way.

If you’re this type of man and you’re looking for the type of woman who will value these qualities in you, then I say to you, congratulations. Pursuing a woman of heart, moxie and intelligence is no easy feat. But if you’re looking for this woman, we’re not as cold as we appear. You just have to know how to disarm us. Remember above, when we took off our armor? Well we quickly put it back on after Cougarchaser69’s pursuit of us.

Here’s a list to help you find the lady your soul aches for.

If you’re happy with the types of women you’ve been attracting thus far then ditch this list and carry on. But, if you’re seeking more and looking for a woman who can nourish you spiritually and challenge you mentally, then here’s a list of what not to do, in order to get her, and some things to do instead:

1. Don’t be cocky

Even if you’re cute. Even if your career has been an incredible non-stop success. Do be humble. Be grateful. There is a very big and real difference between cockiness and confidence. Cockiness is the poser of confidence and not attractive to women who value emotional growth. Insecurity is often masked in cockiness. Don’t fall into this trap.

“The emptiest people, are usually the ones that are full of themselves.” (I don’t know where this originated, but my experience has found this to be true.)

2. Don’t post your shirtless photos

Trust me on this. If you’d like to meet a respectable girl, no matter how toned your abs, you cannot skip this step. Instead, do post a photo of you smiling, even if your teeth are crooked. Let her see your happiness radiate from within.

3. Don’t leave blanks

Do answer all the nitty-gritty questions. I assure you, whatever we are imagining is more than likely worse than what your reality could possibly be.

4. Don’t lie

Do be honest. We’ll find out later anyhow. Just be upfront. No one has time for the hoopla after finding out you were fibbing.

5. Don’t use acronyms

When you message a woman of the confident and secure-in-herself variety, do use care to spell out full words, capitalize “I” and use punctuation accordingly.

6. Don’t be self-absorbed

Do mention something about her profile that intrigued you or that you could relate to when messaging her. This goes a long way and will ignite conversation regardless of whether or not she’s interested in you at first glance.

7. Don’t be shallow

Do compliment her smile or hair or dress. Not her frame or legs or breasts. Again, women of worth know they have more to offer than that. Show a little class, even if you don’t have much class to speak of. Just show it anyhow.

8. Don’t be a male chauvinist

If you’re trying to attract a woman of worth, the last thing you can do is pose your page as prehistoric even if you’re trying to be funny. It’s not funny. We don’t want a man we have to take care of. We are women of the modern era. We demand to be treated as equals, and if a woman doesn’t, then she’s not worth your time. So please do be mindful and aware of how hard women have had to fight for egalitarianism and be respectful of the continuing laborious struggle.

9. Don’t be so serious

Do lighten up, be warm and fun in your own way. We don’t bite, well at least not right away, (maybe later if you’re lucky!). Enjoy yourself and the process.

10. Don’t force it

Do go with the flow.

11. Don’t be a stalker

Do recognize when the woman whose attention you’re trying to get isn’t reciprocating. If you’ve visited her profile numerous times and she’s never visited yours, it’s likely she isn’t going to. If you’ve messaged her, and she hasn’t offered you the courtesy of responding, it may be time to move on. Do so valiantly!

Good luck to you!

 

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Editorial Apprentice: Jamie Khoo/Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Cliff/Flickr