June 1, 2014

The Last Relationship.

footprints on the beach

Many of us hold on far too long in an unsatisfactory relationship.

We settle for crumbs or any combination of painful interactions, in the hope that we won’t have to move on and somehow, it will get better.

Even when a relationship is over, the torch may be carried indefinitely for that person and the relationship, as though they were and are the last one.

I know this journey well.

A desperation underlying every thought and action; it’s an argument within ourselves over what we think we deserve and ultimately, what we believe is possible.

When our thoughts and actions are inspired by desperation, we aren’t being ourselves; we’re manipulating and strategizing to keep something alive that we can’t seem to live without.

Intellectually, we all grasp what a healthy relationship is, but until our emotions catch up, it’s just a concept. When we feel less desperate, we’re then available to sow those seeds.

Relationships are work, but making excuses for something crappy, and continuing to do hard labor aren’t a sign of commitment, especially if we’re the only one shackled to mining for gold…it’s a sign of desperation.

The word makes us cringe.

No one wants to admit that the desperation we feel is what keeps us afraid of abandonment in an untenable situation. It keeps us settling for less, and yet, it’s the truth beneath all the b.s. we tell ourselves.

Bringing us to believing it’s the last relationship. 

What if there is no one else? What if we find someone and it’s worse?

We might tell others that we’re moving on, we’re over it, while trying to cover up the loneliness feeding our desperation. This hole causes us to look backwards, grasping onto the bits and pieces of a crappy relationship. We may even believe that what happened in the last relationship, is doomed to repeat in the future.

Hard to admit, but I hear it all the time and I’ve experienced it. When I look back at what I accepted from some past relationships, I see the fear. I also see the magical thinking that distracted me from that truth, as I grew older, I felt there were less opportunities and quite possible the shitty relationship I was in, was my last relationship.

I’ve heard people state characteristics of their current relationship, some positive, but many overwhelmingly negative and stressful. They counter it with, “This may be as good as it gets for me.”

“You can’t trust men/women, at least I know he/she won’t cheat.”

“They love me, so where else will I find that?”

“I will just get more of the same, so why not stay with what I know, even though it sucks.”

Until I could clearly touch that part of me, buried under my own excuses for why I stayed too long or at all, I couldn’t admit my own desperation. I was in a constant state of lack….everywhere.

My feelings of scarcity around everything I wanted still existed, and by admitting it to myself, it changed everything.

What does admitting desperation, or lack, as the purveyor of our relationships do for us?

1. It brings freedom from the limiting belief.

We get to challenge it’s validity, to connect how we put ourselves through cringe-worthy events, because of this wayward belief. Does the past design our future? Only if we stay asleep to admitting our fear.

2. It brings freedom from the last relationship.

When admitting desperation on a deeper level, we no longer worship the concept that we’re fatally flawed. We stop accepting the crappy relationship we’re in or bemoaning the one we just left, as the higher power and shift our focus.

3. It brings freedom to match our words, thoughts and actions.

When we step into our power, we stop settling for less. We say we want good, believe we want good and our actions align with it, rather than saying one thing and doing another, to fill ourselves with more hatred, shame and remorse.

4. It brings freedom for us to appear as ourselves.

Trouble writing a dating profile that states the truth around our expectations of how we want to be treated, etc., because we’ve been afraid no one would apply…or saying yes, when we mean no or any variation of not being true to ourselves, because we think we’ll be alone…stops. 

5. It brings freedom for new love to enter our lives.

We now have space not clogged up with all the excuses around the lack or the fear, instead we have space for someone to join us in a commitment to abundance in love and growing a healthy relationship.

I live this list. I have recently created a new membership plan called Authentic Love Now, just for this purpose.

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Editor: Travis May
Photo: Tracy Donald/Pixoto

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