5.9
August 26, 2014

What If? ~ Jennifer Zang {Poem}

Depression-loss_of_loved_one

What if…

I stay, pretending I am not crumbling inside? That with each passing day I decide to start loving myself as much as I love you?

I begin listening to my barely audible, quivering inner voice.

What if…

I stay, using the pain as a secret ingredient, creating a concoction, sustaining both of our souls.

While lost in my crafts, I discover a hidden map in the landscape of the photography or a cryptic message between the lines of my erratic writings. The mystery of finding us again is solved.

What if…

I share a soliloquy with friends, portraying our struggles in the eloquence of a fleeting summer rainstorm.

We lean into each other as angry thunder erupts from our souls, holding a space to be heard and loved.

What if…

I know all of this is a maze of lies. Intricately designed twists, blind alleys and turns. I am unable to find the path leading to the outside.

So I stay.

Or rather, some form of me stays. A foreign being with a sealed door to her heart, the light within extinguished. A stranger to both of us.

Somehow you know the way out. Or maybe, the truth is, you never walked on a path with me. You remained on the outside.

So you leave.

I am stuck… with me, this foreign being, this stranger. And a growing collection of, “What if?”

I am running to the past, trying to recapture time. In the darkness, I stumble. Falling to my knees.

I am too tired to stand. Too tired to cry. Too tired to fight.

In the darkness, a soothing sound washes over me. My inner voice gently shares…

What if…

You let go of the questions from the past, the illusion of going back in time to change the outcome.

You quit running, trying to block the pain. Embrace it. Accept it as part of your journey.

What if…

You allow yourself to drop into this moment. Stand in your own truth, even if it feels messy and ugly. Drop the judgment, the fear. Open the door to your heart, inviting in the unknown.

You realize in this moment, in every moment, you are enough. Release the thoughts of inferiority hindering you from moving forward with your life purpose.

What if…

Pain is replaced with the love of forgiveness.

Forgiveness for him.

Forgiveness for me.

What if…

 

For more:

Relephant:

She Let Go.

Try Harder or Walk Away: The Decision.

~

~

Love elephant and want to go steady?

Sign up for our (curated) daily and weekly newsletters!

Apprentice Editor: Alicia Wozniak / Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: wikimedia

You must be logged in to post a comment. Create an account.

MaryPat Jan 10, 2016 5:11pm

Beautiful, real and relatable

Jane Apr 14, 2015 10:10am

Stepping off the merry go round

Florence Apr 6, 2015 9:38pm

Thank you for this beautiful poem. Discovered this a few weeks ago and keep coming back to read it. I am still hurting, I think I am slowly healing. Reading this bring tears, but calm my soul. Thank you for the words that I could not say. Thank you for giving me strength to continue. I am learning to forgive so that I can be free.

Read Elephant’s Best Articles of the Week here.
Readers voted with your hearts, comments, views, and shares:
Click here to see which Writers & Issues Won.

Jennifer Zang

Jennifer Zang is a lover of people, of animals and of life. Her heart is with her horses, and her youngest horse, Obie, is the love of her life. She is an avid reader, writer, cook, photographer and student of life. Open to learning life lessons she hopes each day to share love in the world. She has finally given up on answering the “how” and instead is going with the flow. Fear is no longer employed in the house of Jen, although it still shows up from time to time to see if there is a vacancy. She believes love—one person at a time can shift the world.