“Dude, your girlfriend is a yoga instructor? Nice.” [Adult-ish]

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25 Reasons Yogis are Bad in Bed:

Yogi Sex Debunked.

“Dude, your girlfriend is a yoga instructor? Nice.”

We’ve all heard it. The truth is a little less sexy than the projection.

Here’s what he wishes they knew:

1.     Her Ayurvedic Dosha only permits sex twice a month.

2.     She makes him set an intention. “To have sex” is inadequate.

3.     He gets pumped up with Bon Jovi but the only tunes to turn her on are Bon Iver’s.

4.     It’s about self-acceptance not self-improvement, but she demands he up his ginger intake—to stimulate blood flow.

5.     She calls each position a pose. She prefers long holds.

6.     She insists on doing everything in front of the mirror, “to check alignment.”

7.     Each pose is, as the Yoga Sutras prescribe, “steady and comfortable.”

8.     Bouncing is bad for flexibility.

9.     Her dirty talk consists of “melt your heart”, “surrender” and “let it go.”

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10.  Her moans sound like she’s fogging up a mirror with her mouth closed, or like Darth Vader. Occasionally she lets out an augh-m.

11.  Her interpretation of the Kama Sutra is sleeping pigeon: the one instance he wishes she’d take sacred texts more literally.

12.  He wants it doggie style and she gives him cat/cows.

13.  She thinks floor frog is the same as reverse cowgirl.

14.  She mistakes missionary for Savasana.

15.  “Lose the breath and you lose the pose” is her mantra. Oddly this doesn’t apply to him.

16.  Her time outs are often accompanied by a mid-sex sermon. Alternatively, she decides that when he’s upside down, out of breath, and sobbing sweat is an ideal time to lecture on the chakras.

17.  Her prioritization of stretch over sex occasionally makes him feel like a prop.

18.  She calls this a “practice,” but cues him like she’s deploying him.

19.  He’s as deep as humanly possible but still she orders him to activate his Mula Bandha.

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20.  Just as he’s about to blow she demands he “find stillness.”

21.  She instructs him to “arrive in this moment” and then blames him for … too fast.

22.  She tells him to practice non-attachment by not focusing on the outcome; exempt is her preoccupation with her own “peak posture.”

23.  Sex is broken up into “series”: after climax he has a whole other half.

24.  Around that time it becomes explicitly clear her DIY deodorant isn’t working.

25.  She decides when it’s over, leaving him on hard ground in a dark room on his back.

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yoga teacher sexy funny

 

 

 

Relephant Fun Reads:

How to Make Your Lazy Bones Boyfriend Do Yoga. ~ Caroline Beaton

Affirmative Action Asana: A Call to Diversify Yoga Memberships. ~ Caroline Beaton

10 Reasons your Yoga Classes Suck.

 

 

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Editor: Waylon Lewis

Photo: Author’s Own

The Elephant Ecosystem

Every time you read, share, comment or heart you help an article improve its Rating—which helps Readers see important issues & writers win $$$ from Elephant. Learn more.

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Caroline Beaton

Caroline Beaton is a writer and producer. Her work has appeared in VICE, The Atlantic, the New York Times and many others. Visit her website or sign up for her newsletter.

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anonymous Mar 20, 2015 6:46pm

very clever!

anonymous Mar 15, 2015 8:07pm

this is awesome. and what a fun read 🙂

anonymous Feb 11, 2015 9:16am

Omg how funny!

anonymous Dec 29, 2014 2:08pm

Hilarious! Thanks.

anonymous Dec 28, 2014 6:06pm

Pretty sure that's meant as a joke because my GF is nothing like that 😛

anonymous Oct 25, 2014 3:20pm

Haha this is awesomme!

anonymous Oct 24, 2014 12:13am

it's hilarious XD

anonymous Sep 24, 2014 7:39am

Omg I wet myself

anonymous Sep 22, 2014 4:56pm

this is awesome. and what a fun read 🙂

anonymous Sep 22, 2014 4:06am

Too smart.

anonymous Sep 21, 2014 6:41pm

very clever!

anonymous Sep 21, 2014 3:53pm

# 26 – she smells bad

Mark LaPorta Sep 27, 2018 8:42pm

Any statement that starts, "DUDE,..." isn't even adult-ish.

Mark LaPorta Sep 27, 2018 8:41pm

Reasonable satire! (ruined by ersatz professional credentials.)