*Author’s Note: Of course this goes for all kinds of couples, not just husbands and wives.
I am a former once or a twice a month-er.
I was one of those women who “put out” a bit more in the dating phase, but even then, sex was treated as currency to be carefully guarded and earned by my husband.
After we got married, I was less reliable. After kids, puh-lease… the truly perfect excuse had arrived. I did it occasionally, because I knew I had to. I mean the only difference between being best friends and married is the sex, right? But by then, 10 years into our relationship, I was at the “how little can I get away with?” stage.
For married men who get laid (by their wives):
You are probably thinking, poor guy, her husband. And you’re right. He had settled. He wasn’t going to be that jerk who demanded sex from his tired “not in the mood” wife. He certainly would have preferred more, but not enough to manipulate, beg or force. Who wants to be that guy?
For married men who aren’t getting laid:
Maybe this blog will give you insight and hope, but only if you can get your wives to read it.
For wives who are sexing it up:
Rock on! You figured out something great and you probably pity me for taking so long to figure it out. Do share the news with other ladies, that you can keep the hot sex alive in a long-term relationship.
For wives who’ve reduced frequency or opted out:
This blog is especially for you, with hopes that you will be influenced to at least try. You may be inspired to know that the “fake it til you make it” policy works extremely well in this area—I don’t mean orgasms. I mean fool around until you “feel like it.” Don’t wait until you feel like it, to fool around. Ya dig?
If you’re in a relationship, all of this may apply to you. If not, I hope you have fun being a voyeur. This will either confirm your fear of relationships or get you more excited about consciously creating one. I hope it’s the latter!
So here are my top five reasons women should have (plenty of) sex with their husbands or partners:
1) It forces us to deal with ourselves.
If you know you’re going to be putting out, your usual excuses aren’t going to work. You’re going to have to dig a little deeper for inspiration.
You may not know this but the number one reason you are avoiding sex is not: exhaustion, not “feeling it,” your husband’s inadequacies (his gut, his unemployment, his bad habits), a bad headache.
Most likely the real reason you aren’t in the “mood” is some issue you have with yourself—like your gut, your unemployment or your bad habits. Facing this fact is an enormous wake up call. When you get in the game to improve your own integrity—admitting what you really want, making plans to get there and taking consistent action (stay on your diet, send out your resumes, quit smoking), you will feel better and I dare say, sexier!
Plus, if your spouse has been an equal criminal in lameness regarding his dreams, you’ll now have a leg to stand on when it comes to asking more from him. Plus, you’ll be a living, breathing, daily inspiration to him.
2) It forces us to deal with ourselves—this time the deeper issues.
Just feeling “into it” is one thing. Intimacy is quite another. This requires feeling safe at an emotional level and that’s no easy trick. Sex is such a loaded issue isn’t?
We have so much confusion and shame as well as a history of lying and hiding around sexuality that it’s amazing any of us are healthy and functional about it at all.
Most scientists agree that being sexual and engaging in sexual activity on a regular basis is a healthy and natural phenomenon. Yet some of us still have not processed our shame about who we have been, what we have done, what we have consented to or not consented to in the past.
If you choose to be sexually active with your spouse, even when you’re not in the mood, those issues are bound to come to the surface as you let down your walls.
Through the Handel Method, I went back to every “haunting” incident that I thought influenced my sexuality and my willingness to be intimate and vulnerable, and unpacked it for clues about the lessons I really needed to learn. This gave me a chance to re-author my life and tell my story of a sometimes brave, sometimes scared sexual being who made all of the choices she made for reasons that seemed right at the time.
I was able to see that what I had thought of as scary experiences, were actually largely in my control.
Even seeing how I misinterpreted the lessons inherent when things weren’t entirely in my control, became highly instructional. As you can guess, I really changed my narrative and it freed me up quite a bit in bed. I’m not saying this is easy, I am saying it is worth it and you deserve it.
3) Sex brings us closer together.
Unless there is a bunch of stuff the two of you aren’t dealing with or saying to each other, it’s highly likely that sex will make you feel closer to each other. For men especially, it fills a “gas tank” of sorts that seems to leave him more excited to please you in general. If there is so much unsaid between you two that you just can’t relax enough to make or let it happen (or to have an orgasm) then it’s time to start talking.
A couple I know have a particular kind of foreplay they agree to before the physical kind—it’s called communicating. They have an agreement to say and let go of anything that might be in the way of being “fully present” before they get physically connected. Let the practice of regular sex force you to be closer, before and after.
4) It helps us stay together and happy.
Most men thrive on being adored and being physically intimate. Is that so wrong? Why don’t we give that to our men even though we know it makes them so happy and dedicated? I know my reasons: power and control. Doesn’t the saying go “leave them wanting more?” I thought I could control my husband better by withholding those things vs. giving them. A little sick, huh? Please say I am not the only one.
But one of the first things my coach made me promise (right after removing the baby’s crib from my bedroom, putting me on a healthy eating plan and getting me back to exercising) was having regular sex with my husband.
She convinced me that sometimes action precedes “feelings” and it always precedes results! I wanted the result of intimacy and partnership in my life—she recommended the action of regular sex dates.
Guess what? I found a much more profound power than the one I thought I had. The more I found what to love and be attracted to, the more I wanted to be sexual with my husband. The more sexual I was with him, the more I learned what I enjoyed and the happier and more adoring he was to me.
It became a symbiotic relationship rather than a domination game. It was a great breakthrough in our relationship. And just like I’ll never go back to co-sleeping with my baby or eating junk food at every meal, I’ll never go back to withholding sex from my partner. The results are just too good.
5) It’s fun and it feels good.
Among the many rewards to dealing with all of the above are—stress relief, joy, relaxation and even ecstasy. Not to mention that it burns calories (around five per minute) and boosts your immune system. Practice, Practice!
Okay, I’ve only just gotten started on the subject, but I will leave it at this for now. Please comment on what you have found works and doesn’t work in your relationship and forward this to friends and partners to open up the dialogue—because what is taboo, does not evolve!
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editor: Catherine Monkman
Photo: John Doe/Flickr