6 Common Killers of Passion.

What stops us from being good lovers or surrendering to sex?

Frequently it’s time constraints, self-centeredness, inhibitions and lack of technique. Also, our minds won’t shut off which keeps us from being in the moment. Further, many of us resist surrendering to how sexy we really are. Why?

We haven’t learned to see ourselves as sexy. We’ve been brainwashed by the “skinny ideal.”

Also, sex is often viewed more as a performance feat than a holy exchange. Growing up, most of us haven’t been given the right kind of education about what true sexiness is. If only we’d been taught that sexuality is a healthy, natural part of us that we must embody in a mindful, loving way—not something “dirty” or something to be ashamed of.

Early on we learn that the words vagina and penis embarrass people. Except between lovers, they are rarely ever part of our vocabulary. We are a culture that embraces shame, only there is nothing to be ashamed of!

Seeing ourselves as erotic beings and embracing our own allure are the rewards of awakening sexual power.

Sometimes, though, we resist our own sexiness or having sex at all because it mirrors our insecurities. Common ones include, Is my body attractive? Is my partner judging me? Am I good lover? Will I disappoint my partner? Will I be rejected? Suffocated?

When these or other fears take over, even subconsciously, we may resist having sex. Resistance can manifest as legitimate excuses such as, “I’m not in the mood,” “I’m too tired or run down,” “I’m preoccupied with work,” “It’s too much effort,” “the kids will hear,” or “I’ve got a headache.” Still, if these excuses become habitual and our erotic lives are suffering, it’s essential to examine our resistance to sex.

To overcome resistance there are practical steps we can take.

We have to want to be sexy and keep passion alive in a relationship. When we’re tired, angry or if communication breaks down with a partner, passion is the first to go. Denial and apathy are the enemies of passion.

So stay alert to the following deterrents to a good sex life that can predictably do us in. Then, we can correct the situation.

Six common killers of passion from The Ecstasy of Surrender

>>> Exhaustion
>>> Not communicating your needs
>>> Losing interest
>>> Rushing
>>> Lack of creativity, boredom
>>> Repressed anger and hostilities

Sexual responsiveness is a sensitive barometer. Intimacy requires self-awareness and a willingness to remove obstacles. Taking action can help us achieve a loving, erotic relationship.

On a daily basis, train yourself to be more mindful about getting rest and pacing yourself. It’s not sexy to rush around and be constantly stressed out. Especially when we’re busy, it’s important to remember to breathe—a quick way to reconnect with our bodies!

Though family, work and other demands can intrude on making time sexuality, being dedicated to self-care can help us prioritize it in our relationships.

To cure self-doubts, we need to be solution-oriented.

For instance, if you wonder, “Is my technique right?” honestly talk with your partner how you can meet each other’s needs. If you’re bored with the same positions, playfully brainstorm together about exciting ways to experiment. Also, with respect, keep discussing the anger or hurt you may feel towards each other so that your resentments don’t numb passion. For more complex issues such as fear of intimacy reach out to a therapist or a friend for insight.

While exploring your fears, be kind to yourself. Such sweetness allows us to mend wounds and reclaim our power.



Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Alice Popkorn/Flickr


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Ally Feb 6, 2016 1:22pm

Great post, it addresses my current situation in some way.

Well, first of all, please excuse my poor english, writing about this makes me nervous.

I would like to share my experience and receive honest thoughts about it: I’m a girl in my 20’s, with a boyfriend (20’s too but younger). We live together since october last year. I’ve been struggling with the fact that he exagerates with the use of porn, and I really mean it. He works writing for a blog, and spends all day in front of his computer, and also all day he looks for videos and images while work. He confessed he has an external drive for his “collection”, and that he masturbated almost 8 times a day before we got together (wasn’t working at that time).

Now that I am around, I find myself, every day and every hour, entering our room (where our computers are) before doing the dishes, cook, or take a shower, to find him doing it.

I told him it is ok to watch it to a healthy extent, but he does it a lot. Even before going to bed, while I take a shower, and then he loses interest in me and just goes to sleep. Some days he just tries to touch me to “do me a favor”. I told him recently that I don’t want him to do it anymore if he isn’t interested, since it feels really bad and sad to me.

Still, at night is the only time of the day we can have sex, which until last month was very poor in the way that he wasn’t able to reach orgasm without masturbating, or his attention diverts to the t.v meanwhile…

I’ve talked to him about it but he thinks I try to forbid him to watch it and also reassures me saying that there is nothing wrong with me at all. It really hurts me a lot to not have a real intimacy or sex at all. I try to not get angry but at worst my mind plays again and again that i’m competing against porn for his attention, or I am not enough for him.

I don’t know how to approach this, because this keeps happening everyday, and I can’t help to feel he doesn’t care about our relationship. I love him, but I don’t want to spend my life in this same situation.

Thanks for your time. Love to all elephant journal’ staff and fellow readers.

Lauren Apr 28, 2015 6:45am

You forgot freight train snoring and television in the bedroom – both after sex. Unacceptable and selfish. A real turn off.

Veronika Bond Oct 18, 2014 8:19am

Excellent article. And the surprising solution to rekindle our passion – mindfulness.

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Judith Orloff

Judith Orloff, MD is the author of  The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, upon which her articles are based. In the book she educates readers about empaths, highly sensitive people, and offers strategies for anyone who wants to avoid narcissists and transform difficult emotions to positive ones. Dr. Orloff is a psychiatrist and an empath who combines the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, energy, and spirituality. Dr. Orloff also specializes in treating empaths and highly highly sensitive people. She is a New York Times best-selling author of  Emotional Freedom, Positive Energy, Guide to Intuitive Healing, The Power of Surrender, and Second Sight. Connect with Judith on Facebook and Twitter. To learn more about empaths and her free empath support newsletter as well as Dr. Orloff’s books and workshop schedule, visit her website. Republished with explicit written permission from the author. Join her empath Facebook community for sensitive souls here.

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