How to Ravish Your Woman—Not for Men Only. {Adult}

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“Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman’s toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.” ~ Marianne Williamson

Your woman wants to be taken by you—ravished.

The two most important things to remember are:

1. Ravishing a woman comes from inside you—your heart, your belly. It really has nothing to do with being naked together. You must be strong in your masculine energy. So ravishing a woman starts way before you get to the sexy bits. It starts by you being a man of integrity that she can count on.

2. You must be fully present and focused on your woman, on loving her open to herself and to the Divine. Don’t let your concentration waver while ravishing her. When ravishing her, remember: Sex is just one more route to the Divine, the sacred. Or it could just be a quick, hot fuck up against the wall. Whichever it is—or somewhere in between—just stay completely focused on her.

“The truth is a woman cannot help but honor a man who first honors himself by having the integrity to stand for and live by his values. By “honor,” I am talking about a woman’s feelings of safety/security, respect, and attraction. She desires to be in his company. She wants to feel safety in the strength of his conviction and the adventure in his unalterable passions.”
~ Steve Horsmon, Good Guys 2 Great Men

When you show your masculine energy by being assertive and tender but forceful, it tells her that you want her and that she can trust you to ravish her. When you initiate anything with confidence, it inspires her trust. If she has to initiate everything (sex, kisses, conversations, who picks up the kids from soccer practice, etc.), it is so very unappealing to her and she feels she can’t trust you.

It makes her feel like you don’t want to be with her, like you don’t desire her—like you aren’t interested—like you can’t be bothered to put any effort into showing your care and affection for her.

Patient is good; we women like patience, but if patience actually turns out to be never, that is not patience. That is procrastination, ignorance, resistance, passiveness and/or laziness.

For instance, I once dated a man who was so passive that when we kissed, he never put his tongue in my mouth. If I wanted our tongues to touch, I had to make that happen.

Then I began thinking that I was just being too impatient, that if I waited, he would get around to it at some point. Maybe he was just really patient and really good at foreplay, right?

So I waited—for several years. He never did put his tongue in my mouth. He never initiated sex. He seemed afraid to touch me. It was so unflattering to me. It translated to me as him not wanting me, not desiring me.

I constantly questioned my desirability. Did he not find me lovable, desirable? And if not, why was I with him, exactly? (You notice this is in the past tense; I am not with him anymore, primarily because of his passivity.)

I know now that I played a really big part in this problem by not knowing how to live from my own feminine energy and thereby call him up to be his best, assertive masculine self.

This was also the man that when I told him I loved to be taken/ravished/fucked sometimes too, simply thrusted harder and faster.

Gentlemen, that in and of itself is not what “ravishing” means. Ravishing comes from your heart and belly, your masculine core, expressed as forceful tenderness, playful strength; it is a way of life, not just something you decide to do in bed once every few months.

Establishing Trust

If she loves and trusts you, she wants to be ravished by you.

The kind of ravishing I am talking about applies to women with whom you are intimate and who know and trust you.

Yes, we all know about sex where we don’t really know our partner—about the urgent, fierce (sometimes desperate) connection that is like “ravishing” someone. That discussion is for another time, perhaps.

“…if you don’t trust your man because he is undirected, scattered, ambiguous or otherwise weak in his masculine energy, this will undercut your relationship, reducing your passion, your sexual attraction and your trust of each other.”
~ David Deida

When a woman is embodying her Feminine essence, she will be fully in her body and she will be emotional. To be truly feminine is to be fully emotional—for better or worse. Get used to it, with the ultimate goal of being able to embrace and even welcome it.

How to do that?

“Keep your breath full. Keep your body strong. Keep your attention present. No matter what your woman says or does, give her love. Press your belly into her. Smile. Scream and then lick her face. Do whatever is takes to crack the shell of her closure, get your love inside that crack, and touch her heart. Learn to enjoy her anger, her tears, her silent hardness. The world will give you the same at times. The way you react to your woman’s chaos reflects the way you react to the chaos in the world.”
~ David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man

To be truly masculine is to be firm and certain even in the face of uncertain feminine emotions. This is how to establish trust with your woman (remember, trust = sex). Not to just appear certain, but to be truly certain. When a man lets the emotions of the feminine pull him out of his certainty and center, the woman will not feel safe with him, and she will lose respect for, and trust in, him.

The wildness of the feminine needs the strength, stillness and calm of the masculine. If you get upset every time she gets upset and just because she does, she will start to lose confidence and trust in you, she will begin to feel unsafe.

If she doesn’t trust and feel safe with you, being ravished is too scary for her. And this fear will most often look like anger, cynicism, sarcasm and withdrawal from you and your touch.

There’s a reason the Masculine and Feminine polarize each other.

The Masculine

He is in his head and is directed, goal-oriented and grounding for her, he is the immovable cliff against which she can throw her waves of emotion; she needs that cliff, that strength. She needs to know that he not only tolerates her wildness, but that he loves, welcomes and cherishes it, because it makes her female, woman—different from him.

“One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman’s emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax.”
~ David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man

He does not try to change her, does not try and make her think or act like a man, does not de-feminize her by calling her “hysterical” or tell her, “You’re upset. I’ll be back to talk when you have settled down and are rational.” This is subtle de-feminization at its worst.

The Feminine

She is in her heart and womb and is love incarnate for him; she inspires him into his heart, into love, simply by being fully, emotionally feminine. She is the well of love, into which he fears he will fall and never return. Yet he must master this fear and be strong for her anyway. It is the only way to insure her trust.

“We have to let go of justifying emasculating men.”
~ Alison Armstrong

She does not expect him to live by his intuition and emotions like she does. She does not belittle him because he can’t always find and express his emotions readily—that would emasculate him. She does not call him too harsh, too cold, too distracted away from her by life/business.

She respects his “otherness” exactly because it is the polar opposite of her, because it calls up her femininity when he is strongly masculine, and she needs that from him. She knows how to get him back into his heart, his belly—how to inspire him from his “distractions” by simply being her true feminine self.

Get Ready

Gentlemen, here are some ravishing things to try—with a warning: These things will only work if you do them with complete love and confidence and if you stay totally present for your woman during these sessions.

I know it takes a big pair to initiate and pull off some of these. It puts you on vulnerable, shaky ground, doesn’t it? I can appreciate that.

Ladies: If your man even tries this type of thing, you damned well better show your appreciation!

That doesn’t mean having sex with him when you are not willing and able, by any means, but it does mean you don’t roll your eyes, you don’t push him away (and by the way, why are you doing those things to someone you say you love and respect?).

At the very least, tell him how impressed you are by his courage, how much you love the fact that he wants to express his love for you by being close to you, and his willingness to go to such lengths to please you—and ask for a rain check.

Why must you show appreciation?

Remember that man I talked about that was so passive? I once drove to his house in a trench coat and very little else underneath (okay, a few strategic classics like sexy, over the knee boots, etc.), obeying the traffic rules very, very carefully because the thought of getting pulled over by a police officer while I was dressed like a prostitute was laughably horrible, came into his house and was soon thereafter almost completely humiliated because he would not join me in this fun/sexiness. For whatever reason (did it embarrass him?), he was not happy with me and the “gift” I tried to give him.

I have never tried that again, even though he did, at some point, apologize for not “helping me out with that,” as he put it. I am, in fact, quite hesitant to ever try it again because of his reaction—or lack thereof.

Do not do this to your man when he takes the initiative and gives you this gift!

Men, your focus and directed attention are part of your gift to your woman. If you waver, she will feel that and will lose confidence and trust in you (remember: no trust = no sex).

Focus is key. And honestly, don’t you want to show her how much you love and cherish her?

And Ladies, when your man stays focused on you and ravishes you, let his attention and focus call up your feminine energy. Let your fears go and your heart and body open to him. Meet him right there by allowing and expressing your emotions—whatever they turn out to be.

Your emotions are a gift to your man. Trust him. He can handle it.

To cue your man you are open to this sort of thing, stay in your feminine energy (think Marilyn Monroe and breathe from your belly), and consider a phrase something like, “Oh my god baby, I really need you to fuck me right now—hard.”

Now let him come to you. Don’t go to him—stay in your receiving, allowing feminine energy. Physically lean back, even, if you must, to stay in receiving mode.

The Sexy Bits

~ Before you kiss your woman, keep your mouth close to hers but don’t kiss her yet, keep eye contact, press your belly into hers then let your body forcefully, while still protecting her, push her backwards into the wall behind her. Move her backwards against the wall with your body tension and hold her there with your entire body, keep eye contact, breathe with her—and only then do you kiss her—forcefully. Bend your knees slightly and press up, and against her, pushing her up and into the wall. If sizes/heights/etc. make it possible, lift her up against the wall, so she can wrap her legs around your waist.

~ If possible, lift and move your woman to reposition you both during sex. Women love to be lifted and repositioned during sex.

~ Emotional Ravishment: When your woman is upset (sad, angry, etc.), just walk up to her calmly (even if she’s upset at you) and take her in your arms—firmly. Don’t wait for her to ask you to hold her. Just do it. Press your belly against hers and stand firm and strong—in your heart and mind, as well as in your physical stance. Breathe from your belly. Imagine that you are the cliffs against which her waves (anger, sadness, etc.) are crashing. If she struggles, yells, or expresses more emotions, hold her anyway until she softens and relaxes. Emotional ravishment can very easily lead to sexual ravishment.

Hint: This may take a while the first time you do it. If you do this often, it will take less and less time for her to soften into you each time. This is an invaluable gift to give your woman, and she may be very shy to ask for this from you, because she feels it is a big thing to ask for. If you can give your woman this gift on a regular basis, you will absolutely win her heart.

We women need a “release” for all these emotions that are a constant way of life for us. These emotions can be overwhelming. If your woman trusts you and is able to be her vulnerable, feminine, open self, this emotional release may happen at orgasm too (this is often why she cries during/after orgasm sometimes.

It’s good crying, even though it may not look that way. It is her way of releasing. And it shows she trusts you if she does this. Don’t be upset by this. Do ask her if she’s okay and how you can help. Do not belittle her for this! Remember, the feminine is the emotions).

~ During sex, take her hands, move her hands away from her body and hold her arms out from her body—either above her head or out to the sides against the bed/wall. Use some weight; don’t let her move her own hands until you let them move.

~ From David Deida: Start out slowly and gently, then at some point, “pounce” and pin her beneath you. Open her legs with yours before she opens them for you. Hold her wrists with your hands. Keep your focus. Don’t get distracted by her lovely body parts, even as you caress them—love her deeper than just the body. Stay focused. Breathe with her. Make eye contact. Tease her. Be tender but forceful.

~ In the middle of sex, just stop. Hold her down with your weight, your presence. Press into her. Don’t let her move under you. Keep eye contact. Breathe together. Only begin moving again when you decide to.

~ Initiate Middle-of-the-Night Sex. “If you know how to do this right (slooowly, softly, gently), it is one of the sexiest things in the world. We love the feeling of being touched between states of consciousness, of arousal before awareness.” Am I awake? Dreaming? This gentle ravishing is one of my faves—to have an orgasm bring me up out of sleep? Delicious.

~ Remember, there is a difference between making love and fucking. We women know the difference and we love a good mixture of both.

“If you fuck your man more often, he will make love to you more often.”
~Barbara DeAngelis

~ This is a perfect 45-second example of ravishment:

And from sharing this type of info with clients and friends and collecting feedback, I have received lots of opinions and ideas about ravishing your woman.

From a man:

“This is one of the hardest things for “nice guys” to do, as they are trapped between respect, being nurturing, sensitive, and loving on one hand, but full of desire and natural needs on the other (if they haven’t suppressed that into submission as many men feel they have to).

One of the most powerful things a partner ever said to me was, “That was really nice, but sometimes, I just want you to fuck me. That makes me feel desired and beautiful, too.”

So many relationships end because of this…

So once in a while, guys, look at your woman, focus on your desire and the complete emotional and physical awesomeness of her, let your desire come, and go after it. If your focus is on her and not a shallow selfish need, you will communicate your “want” of her in the right way. Make love to her as if the physical is a metaphor for the spiritual/emotional. Be completely focused on her and let nothing sway you from your purpose to open her heart as you open her body. (Even if you don’t have sex, the intension alone can save your relationship if your focus is on her and not getting your little man wet—just don’t take any denial personally, and be consistent in showing her your desire for her—all of her).”

From the women:

“Love me into submission! And I will love you into conquering the world. This just makes my heart sing.”

“I do (want to be ravished). Very much. Feeling a partner’s desire and passion so tangibly is a huge turn on. I express mine and I want the same.”

If you need more info about how to find and stay in your masculine energy or ravish a woman, find a relationship coach, read David Deida’s books, Steve Horsmons’ website, or Wayne Levine’s.

Do you know how your woman wants to be ravished?


Relephant Reads:

The Ravish-Me Fantasy: Why Women Want their Man to Take Them.

7 + 1 Reasons Not to F*ck a Woman’s Mind. {NSFW}


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Editor: Emily Bartran

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Grace Cooley

Grace Cooley is a Certified Hypnotherapist and Registered Psychotherapist in Ft. Collins, CO, USA. She sees clients and facilitates Divine Feminine Hypnotherapy workshops for women. She’s a flaming, Earth-loving, tree-hugging, save-the-Planet, believes-in-faeries, bike-riding, card-carrying, spiritual-but-not-religious, hippie cowgirl liberal poet—yep, they do exist. You can find her blog here and her creations here. You can also connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.

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anonymous Dec 19, 2014 6:51am

I have a Ph.D. in human sexuality, have lectured about sexuality around the world, and I’m also a retired California lawyer.

You wrote: “Emotional Ravishment: When your woman is upset (sad, angry, etc.), just walk up to her calmly (even if she’s upset at you) and take her in your arms—firmly. Don’t wait for her to ask you to hold her. Just do it. Press your belly against hers and stand firm and strong—in your heart and mind, as well as in your physical stance. Breathe from your belly. Imagine that you are the cliffs against which her waves (anger, sadness, etc.) are crashing. If she struggles, yells, or expresses more emotions, hold her anyway until she softens and relaxes. Emotional ravishment can very easily lead to sexual ravishment.”

This sounds like RAPE to me. She (and it could be a he as well…20% of men have been the victims of sexual abuse as well) “struggles, yells…” but “hold her anyway…” Sounds like rape, and assault and battery at the very least.

You put up with a man who would not put his tongue in your mouth even though you asked him to do that for years.

Instead of thinking to yourself about it, as you say, perhaps you should have discussed it more with him?

Then you went to his house in a trench coat and thigh high boots. Perhaps his own upbringing (family, religion, earlier sexual experiences–or, perhaps he is submissive an wants a Domme woman to be in charge but you were not that person??–had given rise to issues that turned him off to using his tongue when he kissed?

And just because you drove to his house ready to be ravaged (and why are you painting such a broad picture of how prostitutes dress? You’re not–and you dressed that way. Lots of girlfriends do (not enough of them though)–but can you avoid casting generalities on prostitutes and sex workers? Sounds like a bit of slut-shaming here…

Maybe he didn’t find the look that you THOUGHT (in your mind–no communication) would be hot to be hot.

Madonna whore complex or—maybe he’s just not that into you?? (Sounds like a good name for a book!)

Some men like to see a woman in white lingerie and black lingerie is a turn off. For others–yes to black and ick to white lingerie. Or any clothing on their partner at all during sex. Or toe sucking. Or cunnilingus. Or forcing themselves on their partner and pushing them against the wall. Or holding their hands down…not every woman likes being held down.

I wonder why you stayed with him for years.

You say at one point: “It takes a big pair…” Wow. Can you find a less sexist way to put this???

And as for quoting Barbara DeAngelis…I had heard that she’s been married several times, and was also married to John Gray, who wrote Men are From Mars, etc…and now they’re divorced. As I am fond of saying:

“If relationships were easy, we’d all still be with our high school sweethearts.”—-Robert Berend

I hope you post this. Thank you.

    anonymous Apr 4, 2015 3:10pm

    Hi Robert,
    Thanks for the read and the comment! Some nice points. 🙂

anonymous Dec 3, 2014 12:59pm

I used to be like this.
After 10 years of completely emasculating marriage and listening to the things that are being called rape these days (google campus sexual assault) I'm actually enjoyed (besides being miserable) not being in the sex game anymore…. Will come back someday I suppose. It was a good read but kind of painful.

anonymous Oct 28, 2014 9:25pm

meant to add this to previous comment, if it's ok… new here and not sure of protocol… Namaste

anonymous Oct 28, 2014 9:21pm

Awesome teaching, thanks for sharing… as a fully male Goddess-worshipper who was raised by hippies, lesbians and freaks, (oh myy!), i was taught to respect and admire women, but had very little instruction in the manly aspects of maleness… It took me many years to understand that women really do need men, (or at least a manly influence/energy, even if it's in a woman's body), more than fish need bicycles. They need us as much as we need them, and no one has ever so well described the balance of 'power'; trust, safety, surrender, love, desire, strength… this should be required reading in high school!

    anonymous Nov 26, 2014 4:01pm

    Woot! Go dude! Love it when men actually "get" this idea of masculine/feminine polarity – better yet when they know how to LIVE it. 🙂 Thanks for the read – and the vote of confidence. yes, I agree, we really do need this education to be mainstream. I'm afraid the feminist movement kind of killed it for us. I have so much respect for those women who ushered in those ideas and got us better pay/jobs/lives. And at the same time, it kinda ruined the polarity idea between folks. too bad. but maybe we can bring it back, yes?

    Thanks for commenting! 🙂

anonymous Oct 18, 2014 9:09am

Brava, brava, brava!!!! This is one of my favorites posts ever on Elephant Journal. As another poster commented, this mirrors nearly perfectly the failure of my marriage to a passive man who was afraid to touch me. At almost 52 years of age, I have met the love of my life, and he was even more delighted than I to read this. If every adult man and woman in the world read and took it to heart, I think there would be a whole lot more peace, love, and understanding. Beautifully done – and from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!!!!

    anonymous Oct 19, 2014 8:33am

    Thanks for reading! You are so welcome. So glad to hear you and your squeeze are living it! I am so much happier in my own life now that I have learned to be feminine and let men be men, and me be feminine. No more passive men for me either. Blessings. 🙂

anonymous Oct 17, 2014 7:18pm

Thanks for the read, Shelley! I agree – I can finally read D. Deida without throwing his books across the room in disgust that way I used to. 🙂 I "get it" now. 🙂 Blessings!

anonymous Oct 16, 2014 3:58pm

Thanks for this article. I've recently read David Deida's Way of the Superior Man as well as The Enlightened Sex Manual and am currently reading Dear Lover. The Way of the Superior Man helped me to understand the masculine essence this feminine essence is attracted to and the pure potential of intimacy as a spiritual path.

anonymous Oct 15, 2014 9:00pm

My god that was fabulous. It was an almost exact description of the gradual descent of my last marriage into divorce and then you went on to describe what I have been learning about myself and my needs and desires, During this amazing transformation that I've been going through over the past three years. I've been fortunate enough to spend time with men who are very brave and astute and behave, to some extent, in the ways in which you describe (almost all of these men practice Orgasmic Meditation). Of course I can't speak for all women but for me it is not a question, I will never again tie myself to a relationship with a man who does not know how or understand about being fully present, aware and can let his beast out. let the ravishing begin. 😉
p.s. I have read A LOT of elephant journal articles over the past 4 or 5 years and while I have enjoyed and even saved many, this article is by far my favorite. Thank you for putting yourself out there and writing your truth. Mindy

    anonymous Oct 17, 2014 7:17pm

    Thanks for your kind words! I had so many requests from clients and friends for this article, that I had to get it out there. So many male clients asked, "My woman asks me to ravish her, but I don't know what that means. Help!" and then women clients asked, "I want my man to ravish me, but he doesn't understand what I want and I don't know how to explain it to him." thus was born this article. 🙂 I too have been on a similar journey to yours. Good luck and thanks so much for reading! 🙂

anonymous Oct 15, 2014 6:42pm

I was born and raised in the South, the old South. I was taught to say yes mam, thank you and please. I open the door for a woman and pay for the meal and the movie. I work out and stay buff so my wife doesn't have to sleep next to a fat man. If a woman tries to emasculate I read that loud and clear, I'm out.. I think it's psychotic. I would never try to rob a woman of her nature. She should leave mine the fuck alone. I hate violence of any kind towards women and I will whip a man's ass if I see him do it (because that's the kind of shit they understand). I am temperamental about married women with hyphenated last names. My wife knows, and has know these three plus decades that I am completely trustworthy and that she is thoroughly loved. There is nothing, I mean nothing, I like more than the ravishing part. She seems to like it too — these 30 plus years of marriage.

    anonymous Oct 17, 2014 7:14pm

    You gotta love a "manly" man – he always "gets" the ravishing thing, when so many other types of men don't. Good for you both! 🙂

anonymous Oct 15, 2014 2:40pm

I like the thoughts except the writing from David Deida's books. Being passive isn't a turn on, but neither is his teachings that men should be attackers and non-authentic.

    anonymous Oct 17, 2014 7:12pm

    I used to not like David Deida's books either – used to try and read them but would end up throwing them across the room in disgust. I have come back to them, though, in my study of masculine-feminine polarization and find most of his info accurate for me. Thanks for sharing! 🙂

anonymous Oct 13, 2014 1:44pm

I really appreciate this article. I've read through it twice now, and my initial discomfort at the clear-cut dichotomization of feminine and masculine has given way to understanding. It seems as though so many men that I meet act as though they really want a dominating female, at least during sex. It is refreshing to be reminded that maybe some men just need permission to exist in their masculine energy, that it won't be viewed as insensitive or un-evolved. It's also nice to be reminded that a man can be fully masculine without being selfish or self-centered. This article has informed the way I am going to approach some of my future encounters. Thank you for writing it!

    anonymous Oct 17, 2014 7:11pm

    Amelie – wow, thanks for sharing your thought processes. Those thought processes pretty mirror my own in the last couple of years, as I have been studying the masculine feminine polarization processes. And you are welcome! 🙂

Melina Powers May 31, 2016 1:27am

"To be truly masculine is to be firm and certain even in the face of uncertain feminine emotions. This is how to establish trust with your woman (remember, trust = sex). Not to just appear certain, but to be truly certain. When a man lets the emotions of the feminine pull him out of his certainty and center, the woman will not feel safe with him, and she will lose respect for, and trust in, him." <3