10 Things I Find Sexy in a Man (that Aren’t All About Sex). ~ Melanie Curtin

Via on Jan 28, 2013

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Image Source: inspire.maxtonmen.com via Kevin on Pinterest

I love men. I love how they move, how they sit, how they kiss.

I love how they play air guitar, quote Wedding Crashers, man the grill and roughhouse together.

I love to hear them bitch about their sports team losing, observe them trying (and failing) to be subtle when checking me out, or watch them wrestle their dog. I love how they beat the steering wheel when they get really into a song, how they posture when a really hot girl walks by, and how most of them genuinely want to be good lovers. I love how different they are from me and how similar they are underneath.

And don’t get me wrong—I love a man with a six-pack, with that to-die-for body. But when it really comes down to it, the things that make a man sexy have very little to do with the packaging.

Here are the top 10 “non-packaging related” things I find sexy in a man.

10. Lift Me Up

The guy that picks me up and spins me around, or holds me tightly with my arms and legs wrapped right around him, will always win my heart. Depending on the context, it is one of the sexiest, most comforting or most erotic of experiences. Even if we’re not dating, I always feel happy and free and feminine.

Perhaps it is the reminder of your strength, or my petite-ness, or both at the same time. Perhaps it’s the sensual, spontaneous experience of the way we fit together, the way our bodies are connected in that moment. Perhaps it’s just the fact that you’re bigger than me.

Whatever it is, it’s sexy.

9. Open Doors & Give Up Seats

I find it annoying when people say chivalry is dead. It’s not. It’s alive and kicking—yes, even in the younger generation.

I know this because, amongst other things, I ride the NYC subway. There, I’ve experienced many men—good men, great men—give up their seats for the elderly (both women and men), open doors for others and help me lift my (many) suitcases up the (many) stairs. To them I say, I salute you. I thank you.

Some women hate it when men open doors for them. They may interpret it as a statement that they can’t take care of themselves, or that they’re somehow less independent because a man is doing something for them.

I am not one of those women. I love it when a man carries my groceries for me, lets me go ahead of him in line, opens a door for me or schleps my luggage.

I know I could do these things by myself, for myself. I’ve done them plenty of times. But when someone else does it, it really does make my life a little bit easier. I feel taken care of. Especially in cities, where we spend a lot of our time with headphones on, consciously ignoring everyone around us, it feels really good to be noticed. The way these men are says, I see you and I care about you, simply because you’re alive.

I also look at that guy who just gave up his seat in a new light. He comes across as strong, aware, trustworthy, significant. He comes across like a man.

 She is my drug8. Initiate Middle-of-the-Night Sex

If you know how to do this right (slooowly, softly, gently), it is one of the sexiest things in the world. I love the feeling of being touched between states of consciousness, of arousal before awareness. I adore the dissolving quality of dark, sleepy caresses, the extension of the dreamlike state of not knowing where you stop and I begin.

And I love the slow build, the way a man who knows what he’s doing carefully rearranges my body for me, gently positioning me so that I don’t have to do anything. The fact that he’s guiding the situation, softly but firmly in control, means that I can just lay there languidly and enjoy the ride.

Yes, please. Over and over and three times on Sunday.

7. Deal With Sh*t

I have many talents. I can speak five languages. I’m a good writer. I’m exquisitely empathetic. I kick ass at Trivial Pursuit. I can even dance the tango at a near-professional level.

However, I suck at practical, common sense stuff. I can barely change a light bulb, let alone fix sh*t around the house.

But my dude roommate can. And I gotta tell you, it’s sexy. I came home the other day and a set of lights that had been out for months (literally months!) were fixed. Just like that. Ditto the thermostat. When I asked him how he did it, all I heard was, “Wah wah wah,” like Charlie Brown’s mother. I didn’t follow it because I just don’t care. I do, however, care that I can now actually see objects in the living room.

I get that this is a cliché—trust me, I do. It’s also true I find it somehow deeply satisfying that men are distinct. I love that I’m good at things that they’re not, and that they effortlessly do things I don’t understand at all. I compliment you for complementing me. I get to relax because you just take care of sh*t. It’s freeing.

It’s also sexy.

6. Be Super Solid While I’m Freaking Out

When I am absolutely losing it about something (legitimate or not), I don’t need to be fixed. I don’t need to be told what to do, I don’t need advice, and I certainly don’t need someone to tell me to calm down.

I just need to be witnessed.

That’s right, when I’m on my crazy train, I don’t want a man to try to stop it (he won’t be able to, anyway). I just want him to be with me while I’m on it. I want to know I’m not alone.

So the man who quietly listens, who takes it all in without taking it too seriously, is unbelievably sexy. He is sexy in his solidity, he’s sexy in his presence, he’s sexy in his naturally grounded nature. He’s extra super really sexy when I can tell that not only is he not intimidated by my freakout, he’s actually (respectfully) entertained by it—he welcomes it.

Those exceptional men I’ve been with who enjoy the ride, who witness my storms or those of other women with a knowing look, a wisdom that goes beyond my high-strung-ness or defensiveness or just general freakout, are rare.

They’re also sexy.

 Father and son surf lesson in Morro Bay, CA 12 of 125. Play With Kids

Straight up, it is hot when a man is genuinely good at playing with kids. This does not include faking it to get attention from women—obviously that’s a huge turnoff (and dude, we’re biologically made to know when you’re faking it). No, it’s only—and very—hot when he actually likes them. It’s probably something primordial, basic, an animalistic understanding that he’d be good at playing with our kids. But who cares?

Because it’s not just a sweet moment, like, “Awww, look how good he is with that kid.” It’s an actual, visceral turn-on—I literally feel a tingling in my nether regions. It doesn’t make me want to have babies with you, but it sure makes me want to make them with you.

(Just kidding. Sort of.)

 4. Accept Emotions

I recently called a guy friend to let him know that I was on my way to meeting up, but I wasn’t feeling all that great. Being a little sad and irritable, I said, “Sorry in advance for not being very fun. I’m going to try to get into a better mood.”

Do you know what he said?

“If you are, great. If not, great. Whatever you got, bring it.”

I felt so accepted I started to tear up. I knew it would be okay even if I wasn’t okay—that I wouldn’t be blamed or shamed for not being cheerful or upbeat. I could bring my truth—my real truth—and he would still be there.

I wasn’t a problem.

When a man resists emotions—mine or his own, I feel repressed and uncomfortable. A roiling sensation in my stomach builds, that I just can’t kick. And in my experience, many men (many people, but men in particular) are threatened by emotions like sadness, anger, or fear. They want to fix it right away to soothe their own anxiety. They can’t tolerate the idea that a woman is unhappy. They can’t tolerate the idea that they might be blamed for it.

Then there is the man who accepts me in all of my facets, not just the ‘pretty’ ones. He has learned to be with emotion—just be with it. He doesn’t feel the need to make it go away or turn it into something else. He just accepts, and genuinely wants to know.

With him, I feel deeply safe. I know I can bring all of me, and he’s going to be able to handle it. I don’t have to manage his experience of me. I can just be.

And the fact that he wants to know me makes me want to know him.

Bibilically.

 3. Care About His Friends

I fell in love with my last boyfriend in stages. The first was one night when we sat in his truck outside his place while he called his best friend, who had just lost his grandfather. He listened, made manly sounds of sympathy (like grunts), asked about his friend’s family members, told his friend he loved him in his own way, and promptly got off the phone.

It was brief, but real and heartfelt. And when I saw him care about his friend—really care about him, but in a totally different way than I care about my female friends—I fell pretty hard.

I think he was surprised by how much I wanted him after that phone call. I may or may not have given him a minute, then attacked him right there in the truck.

 S is for Superman2. Show His Backbone

If you’re my man, I want you to be vulnerable with me. I love watching you agonize over which stuffed animal your three-year-old niece would like better: the panda or the whale? I enjoy when you tell me about something that’s hard for you to admit about your past, or how you didn’t have it all together for that presentation at work today, or when you own up to just how much you want me to like the necklace you just gave me (and how stressed you are that maybe I don’t).

I cherish those moments.

But it also turns me on when you have to be a hardass and you’re willing to go there. Pointless aggression is a turn-off, but watching a man enforce strong boundaries is a huge turn-on. It’s hot when a man stands up for himself by telling his boss to find someone else to work this weekend, or puts his foot down with the slacker on his team, or quietly but firmly tells his brother that he can’t borrow the car (given that he drove it drunk the last time he did). Even when it’s directed at me, I love seeing that fire within you, that point of resistance that says no.

In fact, your “no “has me saying yes.

Yes, yes, yessss.

 1. Listen

The sexiest thing a man can do is listen to me—all of me. With all of him.

Some men don’t listen at all. They just don’t. They talk about themselves ad nauseum and then wonder what happened when I wander away. These men are generally referred to as “douchebags.”

Other men listen in such a manner that they practically collapse into me. They fall all over themselves to “do” listening right, keeping their focus and attention so on me that they lose themselves. In a way, they actually stop listening in their attempt to prove how well they do listen. These men are generally known as “nice guys.”

Either way, not sexy.

Then there is the man who maintains his own core while also holding space for me.

This man has a way of drawing out my deepest truth simply by being fully present. He isn’t thinking about what to say next, whether I still like him, how to get me to stop crying, or what to do now. He’s just noticing me, tracking me, attuning himself to me. He’s letting the moment unfold without trying to control it. And him taking the lead in this way has me stop trying to control it as well. Which feels good.

This man listens to what I’m saying and what I’m not saying; he listens with his body as well as his heart. He listens with his mind, with his emotions, with his curiosity, with his soul. He asks questions when the time is right, because he really wants to understand, not because he wants to coach me to get somewhere else. He listens to all of me, with all of him.

When I am in his presence, my entire being relaxes. I become more gracious, more present, more in flow. I am expressive without being self-conscious.

I am emotional without being reactive. I am beautiful without being perfect. I feel safe, I feel seen, I feel radiant.

In other words, I feel like a woman. With a man.

And that is sexy.

~

Bonus: The one Buddhist Red Flag to watch out for & how you’ll know if he or she is The One.

~

Like elephant journal gets sexy on Facebook.

 

Assistant Ed: Lori Lothian
Ed: Kate Bartolotta

About Melanie Curtin

Melanie Curtin is the founder of Vixen on the Loose, the sassy brand seeking to redefine what it means to be a modern, empowered woman (and man, for that matter). She is convinced her generation can do the whole sex, dating, and relating thing better than those who came before, and her goal is to spark the conversations necessary for this to be the case. Both lightning rod and spitfire, she invites you unleash your inner vixen by unabashedly expressing her own. Tweet heremail her and subscribe to her YouTube channel for more sexy, spiritual smackdown!

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155 Responses to “10 Things I Find Sexy in a Man (that Aren’t All About Sex). ~ Melanie Curtin”

  1. Kurt says:

    So nothing like an honest accounting of one woman’s turn-ons, to spark a veritable firestorm of comment controversy, I guess. I found this refreshing and reaffirming. To point #8 as that seems to be ginning up the most consternation, there is an assumption on her part is that the reader is capable of assuming that the transaction is between two people who have established the behavior as not just acceptable, but desired. This is not a list of things you should teach your daughter, it’s a list of things she loves about men. It is therefore exempt from your completely inappropriate judgment. Your opinions are of course, yours to give, but beyond satisfying your cultural nanny imperative they serve no meaningful purpose. Feminism is evolving to include diverse and very personal definitions of feminine freedom. Embrace yours, appreciate hers and for the love of sweet fluffy Christ, learn to genuinely enjoy someone else’s joy for once.

  2. elad says:

    These articles are great communications pieces for men, partners, people in life together….the piece was sent by my friend and she said "you do most of these items well" MOST comments allows me to improve on the items that i can do better….therefore nuture and enhance a loving relationship …Yum

  3. Mindi says:

    Everything but 5. Play With Kids.

    Sorry, don’t want them, not going out of my way to play with them. Do I hate them? No. I just have zero interest in them. ZE-RO.

    As for the other points – I couldn’t agree more.

  4. Highend says:

    Sounds a bit desperate to have to write about it. Like an advertisement to try and hook up for match makers.com or something. Women know what they like and do not like why advertise. If a man can’t figure out what you like or how to be decent then obviously he is not the one. Putting it out there does nothing accept give the shady dudes a leg up to try and play into what you like even when they are nothing like that. Keep it to yourself it is classier.

    • Romy says:

      Ya know…us women are complicated creatures. I don’t think it’s particularly easy, or even possible, for a man to just “figure out” what each woman in his life likes and dislikes. And I don’t think the shady, lame dudes are the types to read up on how to understand women which is, in part, why they’re so lame. But a man who was genuinely interested in learning how to be a better man to a woman or in how to understand, maybe even a little bit, some of our complexities, is a man worth his salt at least in some regard. And I think a willingness to do so is sexy as hell.

      I couldn’t disagree with you more.

  5. Jacinta Lawrence says:

    Yes. This is soo spot on. Nice work 😉

  6. tl22 says:

    This, this, this. <3

  7. Valentino says:

    WOW All this exist in a guy? are we still talking about planet earth, no? cauz it feels like heaven lol

  8. Athena says:

    I could have written this! Love it. I’m a lucky woman to have a husband who checks these boxes most of the time! Just a thought in the kids thing… You don’t have to be interested in kids, it just shows a level of openness and playfulness. If a child trusts and adult, it usually says a lot about that person.

  9. laportama says:

    You were doing GREAT on so many points
    UNTIL you got judgey and called a category of guys who doesn't do things your way "douchebags."

    Declasse.

    Remember, that's something you use "up" and throw away. Please compare to Samba, above.

    Keep up the good work. Krishna says we should be grateful for our suffering for it is our way to repair past transgressions.

  10. Emma says:

    I agree with all these things :)
    I also think it goes both ways too, I strive to be all these things with my man as well with him being that way with me. I think that’s important too :)

  11. Martin Cassar says:

    To all the ladies, a question: Don't you think that point 6 would have the tendency of tiring your man out? You expect us men to be solid in face of a freak-out episode. Fine. If it is every now and then. Do you think that men have it easy? A true caring man would go to Hell's end in order to help his woman to feel better. All the while, there is stress from work and, let's admit it, with your different cycles throughout the moon stages, one has to keep on top of that too. So, really, would it be asking too much of you ladies if us men ask you to cut us some slack and to work with us sometimes? The fact that a man is willing to stand sympathetically as you go off on a tangent ought not to be abused. Get a grip on yourselves too, and see that a man is not a superhero, he is just as much a human being as you are – and as such, he too has his own limits.

    It is easy to complain that there is a very small percentage of men who are not able to handle you. The question is – what will *you* do about it? Will you moan and complain, or will you take action and start working with us men? Because, i have to tell you – there is nothing sexier in a woman than her willingness to put her shit together and to work alongside with her man, especially to be able to handle her own self. Us men want to have a partner of equal standing, not a liability. Otherwise it tires us out and then, do not complain that he is fed up with you or is not giving you enough attention. If you want to receive devotion, then you have to also work with us, not tire us out.

  12. Monique Berlion says:

    This was such a great read for me. I recently got out of such a long relationship which I thought had destroyed the person I once loved. Now building myself up again and focusing on the types of people i want in my life, the kind of man I want in my life – this made me realize how possible it can be. Thanks xx

  13. Romy says:

    I mean…

    This was effing brilliantly written! I loved every part of it and couldn’t agree with you more. Very well done!

  14. vicki stone says:

    dear author, you do realize the Feminists will try to kill you in your sleep! Oh wait, you have a guy to protect your life, another reason to love men!!!

  15. Zack says:

    Tune in next week as this whole list will have changed. Women want what they want when they want. It's as phony as 'oh, I really look for a sense of humor. Give me a break.

  16. Sally says:

    When I finished reading this article, it was easy to feel this author is one bitch. She does not want a man, she wants the antithesis of herself. What she lacks, she desires. Living with her has to be hell. No, thanks. We all have different lists of what we would like in our man but the way you say it and the lack of humility and grace does not relate to me at all.

  17. Alex says:

    This is the perfect list. Thanks!! Now I know it’s not just me…..

  18. Grey says:

    @Please ladies, don't overdo #10 and more importantly, be reciprocal.

  19. Jack says:

    I wrote this in reply to a Facebook page. Maybe someone can help me find the errors of my ways.

    "Sometimes these articles are fun to read.

    "The sexiest thing a man can do is listen to me—all of me. With all of him."

    In the same article:

    "When I asked him how he did it, all I heard was, “Wah wah wah,” like Charlie Brown’s mother. I didn’t follow it because I just don’t care. "

    Why would she ask him a question, and then purposely ignore the answer? Why explain that listening is so important, and than not listen in return.

    The author treats these issues like a joke. I'm all for relationship equality, but the double-standard thing really needs to stop for serious change. It's down-right cruel to ask a man how he did something and purposely ignore it. If you didn't care–don't fucking ask.

    Because then later, when we assume you remembered the conversation, we'll feel betrayed that you didn't respect what we said, and also confused as to why you asked the question.

    Anyways, this isn't directed at anyone. It's just me being confused at these kinds of articles. I get a feeling they're part of the "I'm being emo right now, and need to be witnessed." Which means that the woman isn't looking for a fix, so it certainly gets confusing when women then later hold these kinds of things against a man.

    Like there seriously needs to be a better way for people to communicate the difference between the "I'm emo, and venting" dialogue from the "I'm having issues, and we need to legitimately fix them" dialogue.

    A lot of times when I pick up on the double standard thing that I mentioned above, my mind instantly switches to the "oh yeah, this must be a venting piece," because if the author was serious–she wouldn't expect equality with a double standard approach.

    *shrugs*

  20. Joe says:

    That "Biblically" line was genius!

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