“Talk dirty to me.”

Have you ever heard your lover ask that of you?

Did it feel like the emotional equivalent of being dropped into a 100-gallon tank of piranhas? Oh, the pressure!

Don’t worry. “Talking dirty” has many connotations. Usually our partner is not so much asking us to whip out a stream of one-liners you’d hear in a bad porn film as to speak intimately to him/her while making love. It’s easier than you think. (See the “Sexspeak 101” exercise below.)

First, let’s address the concept of “sexspeak.” To define it generally, it’s the stuff you say to your lover in the height of passion. Beyond the moans and groans of pleasure (which are delightful to be sure), sexspeak is the articulation of your arousal in spoken language.

At its most basic form, it comprises phrases like “oh, baby,” “yeah, right there,” “oh, my god,” etc. But for the connoisseur, sexspeak can actually serve as a technique that will bring your lover to new heights of pleasure.

Basic Sexspeak

When you express yourself during sex by using verbal language essentially what you are doing is giving your partner a green light. Simple sexspeak (like the examples given above) serves to do one thing: it lets your lover know that you are enjoying yourself.

Not much more to say about that, so let’s move on.

Intermediate Sexspeak

The next level of sexspeak takes the same idea of basic sexspeak and fine tunes it. They move beyond finite phrases of encouragement like “oh, yeah,” which are the equivalent of “I like what you’re doing; keep it up.” Because pleasure is subjective, our partner may have received the information that we like what s/he is doing, but s/he may not know why. Or, more specifically, what is it that is going on that is giving us pleasure? The Intermediate sexspeaker can clarify this with a few extra words:

Basic Sexspeak:  “Oh, that’s good”

Intermediate Sexspeak:  “Oh, that’s good…your tongue feels so warm.”

The idea here is to educate our lover so that s/he knows precisely what is turning us on. The information gets filed, stored, and now our partner knows how to better please us. Not to mention the fact that most of us get a real charge out of being able to give pleasure to our partners. In a way, by employing sexspeak, you’re performing a service to you both.

Got it? Good. Moving on.

Advanced Sexspeak

Now here’s where we take the previous two levels and blow them out of the box. Again, we’re not talking nasty, here. (Although there’s something to be said for down-and-dirty talk. Some couples love it, and it certainly has its place. We’re just not addressing that here.) With the Advanced level, the more creative sexspeakers can really shine.

Here’s the main difference between Basic and Intermediate Sexspeak and Advanced sexspeak: Advanced sexspeak isn’t about you. Not ultimately, anyway.

To put it another way, Advanced sexspeakers use their own physical pleasure as a launching pad to bring their partner into their experience of pleasure. This completes the circle of connectivity between you and your lover.

Basic Sexspeak:  “Oh, that’s good.”

Intermediate Sexspeak:  “Oh, that’s good…keep your tongue right there.”

Advanced Sexspeak:  “Oh, that’s good…your tongue is making me so wet.”

The difference is subtle, but the real kicker is frequency and, of course, timing. You don’t want to talk your way through the entire lovemaking session, for sure. A few lines of directed encouragement are great during the first phases of lovemaking. Perhaps stick to Basic and Intermediate sexspeak during this time.

It’s also a good idea to stay silent and enjoy each other’s bodies for a while as well.

As things get heated, so can your sexspeak. A well-timed, Advanced line can actually send a nearly orgasmic partner right over the edge.

Sexspeak 101: Beyond the Cunning Linguist

Sexspeak is much easier than you think. In fact, not thinking is the key to being a great sexspeaker.

Most of us already express our pleasure with Basic Sexspeak—of the “Mmm, that’s nice” variety. Take a moment and think back to the last time you said something like that during sex. How long did it take you to format that sentence before you said it? Chances are, it wasn’t long at all. Maybe you didn’t even realize you were saying it; you just felt it, so you said it.

That’s the cornerstone of sexspeak. Before you think too much, say what feels good. Be honest. The only real difference between Basic, Intermediate, and Advanced sexspeak is how specific you get.

The next time you make love, try incorporating at least one line of Intermediate or Advanced sexspeak into your encounter. Here are a few suggestions:

• Tell him/her what s/he is doing that feels good.
• Tell him/her what you want right at that moment.
• Show appreciation for some part of your lover’s body that is giving you pleasure (i.e., soft hands, hair that smells good, the sight of your favorite part of his/her body, etc.)

Perhaps the best suggestion for sexspeak is letting your partner know when you are about to climax.

The benefits of this type of communication are endless. Not only are we sharing our experience with our partner, but we are teaching him/her about exactly how we get aroused and achieve release. This is invaluable information for a lover!

Not only that, many couples find that a lofty goal such as simultaneous orgasm can be achieved when both partners keep each other apprised of their arousal levels. And frankly there’s nothing much hotter than your lover telling you s/he’s on the verge of that huge wave of bliss. Sometimes it’s enough to send us over as well.

~

Relephant:

Manifesto for Real Sexual Healing.

Everything You (Didn’t) Need To Know About Sex.

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Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Anthony Easton/Flickr

Communication…

…in relationships…

…is about more than sex. Sex, in fact, is about more than sex: