November 27, 2014

Dating Commandment 4: Learning to Let Go.

letting go woman stream

“If we want to experience a new influx of Spirit we must let go of the lesser for the greater, the old for the new, the false for the true, and the relative for the Absolute. Otherwise today looks like yesterday and promises to repeat itself tomorrow,” ∼ Stephanie Sorenson



I made the clearest declaration to my beloved of what I needed. It was a riveting, beautifully posed question from the deepest part of me. I needed commitment to enter the next frontier. He led me to believe we were on the same page, talked about a trip a few months out and planned our date for that weekend.

We went to a dance performance, grabbed drinks and dinner, and had a charming night on a cozy wintry night in downtown Minneapolis.

We went back to his place and performed an ancient Hawaiian ritual, Ho’oponopono. It’s a beautiful mantra and there’s a more elaborate sequence of fully enacting the ritual, but the mantra alone is quite powerful:

I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
I thank you

Somewhere in the midst of this it came out that he still was planning to date other people and thought there was “wiggle room” in my very clear request for a monogamous commitment.

What. The.

Excuse me while I dive into an emotional avalanche of all five Kübler-Ross stages of grief in a five-minute span of time (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance).

I was exasperated. I cried.

How could he say he loved me, go through this beautiful ritual and think that I would accept his outright manipulation? Everything was crumbling, and then suddenly, I thought of something my friend Shawna told me the night before.

The universe works like this: If you order a burger and it comes back with all this extra mayo slathered on it you have two choices. One, because you’re so hungry and don’t want to wait, you can eat the mayo infested burger (I really don’t like mayo). Or, you can send that burger back and get something even more delicious than the burger you originally wanted.

When you dive into the burger with extra mayo, mayo is going to continue showing up in your life. It may be satisfying on some level, but sooner or later, you’re going to feel the heartburn and nauseated by the truth that it could never really hit the spot.

“How others treat me is their path. How I react is mine,” ∼ Dr. Wayne Dyer

Ring-a-ding-ding! This was my chance to send a message to the universe. I thought I already had by writing my declaration, but this was the test to reaffirm my declaration. Was I really ready to dive in much deeper waters?

Tests are beautiful because they are a way for us know our strength and honor our truth. Tests are the micro moments where our lives change at sacred crossroads. Which way do you want to go? Do you want the fast food, or can you hold out for something far more satisfying and nourishing? Can you choose yourself?

Suddenly, with this aha moment, serenity swept over me. I got up to leave and he stared at me in disbelief. Eventually we walked to my car and he whispered something to me about how answering our desire is answering the calling of our soul. I looked back into his eyes and smiled knowingly.

Let’s look at exquisite Latin origins of the word desire. In one form, it means, “await what the stars will bring”. In the 14th century a more lustful connotation came about. We were both following our desires.

And if I really loved him, I wanted him to experience everything he needed, wanted and desired in his translation. I understood the psychic wounds of his divorce and being told his wife was never attracted to him. He needed safety in numbers.

When we cannot provide the safety that someone needs, it is time to move on. When we obstruct our growth and the highest, truest version of ourselves (in other words, our self-actualization) while in relationship, this is also a key indicator that it is time to move on.

To me, there is only power in vulnerability and trust… all other forms of power are an illusion. There are certainly times to hold on and do the work. But if you can’t trust the other person on a fundamental level, it’s time to let go. If you can’t be vulnerable with that person or vice versa, it’s also time to let go.

You can continue to love someone from afar.

And we can forgive just as we wish to be forgiven for our missteps along the way.

I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
I thank you

Breakups = breakthroughs. The pain in letting go must be transformed into something else.

Let go. Surrender. Use it as rocket fuel.

If you’re meant to be friends, that can happen down the road. But first, it’s time to let go completely so that you can make room for the whole magical enchilada. And we discover it wasn’t a burger we were searching for after all.




Dating Commandment 1 

Dating Commandment 2

Dating Commandment 3

Dating Commandment 5

Love elephant and want to go steady?

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Author: Kristi Kremers

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: martinak15 at Flickr 


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