We all fantasize, some of us more than others.
Sexual fantasies can rejuvenate our sex lives and add an extra slice of excitement and edge to our relationships.
As the most important sexual organ, the brain is where our imagination ticks and signals sent out, releasing feel good chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin. When we engage our brains more during sexual activity, we can immediately trigger higher levels of pleasure and arousal. We also create stronger bonds with our partner.
Often, one or both partners can fantasize alone during lovemaking, since taking the fantasy to the next step and sharing it can feel a little scary. We might think things like:
What if the other person thinks my fantasy is inappropriate?
What if they are offended by the suggestion?
How do I begin to introduce a fantasy?
Read my last article to get tips on talking dirty to one another in the bedroom. Once we have gotten more comfortable with this, fantasies can naturally follow.
Start slowly. Rushing into something new can leave you feeling vulnerable and uncomfortable if it is not openly received. For a fantasy to be fully pleasurable and have any chance of success it has to be enjoyed thoroughly by both parties.
1. Think about what is truly exciting and play on it a little.
Explore it. Does it feel good, are you comfortable with it, is it respectful to your partner? Write down the fantasy, speak it out loud in a softened husky voice when alone. Take note of how it sounds and think about whether it is something your partner would enjoy too. Write it out if that feels comfortable, pause on the details and focus on the parts of the fantasy you will share and the parts you will leave to their imagination.
2. Introduce the fantasies to a partner.
This can be the hardest part. It is important to ensure that whatever turns you on will also turn them on. Once that first suggestion is made the rest can just flow naturally. You can either send a provocative text message such as ‘Just thinking about you and can’t wait until later’ when you receive a response, test the water, turn it more sexual ‘I’m thinking about what I’d like you to do to me’, or ‘I was just having naughty thoughts’. See how your partner responds. If the responses come back of the same nature, then suggest ‘I had visions of you… (explain the fantasy). Leading the way into a fantasy can be nerve racking, but if it done softly, you can respond accordingly with your reply.
3. Watch movies where couples fantasize.
Then bring the subject up casually. Movies like Secretary, 9 ½ weeks and Female Fantasies are all good starters. Try not to take in the underlying morals of the movies, just focus to your attention on the sexual aspects and see what is learned and felt. There’s no need to take the storyline in the movies too seriously. Take the pleasurable parts and turn them into something you may both enjoy. Or if you are a little more daring, watch a little soft porn together and see what’s exciting.
4. Fantasies to consider.
Common fantasies include include bondage, role-play, girl-on girl, guy-on-guy, submission, domination, group sex, fetishes, threesomes, voyeurism, sex outdoors or in a public place.
Remember, just because fantasies exist, it does not mean that these things would be welcome outside of the bedroom. Trust first and foremost is what makes fantasy really work. You both need to feel safe that you can discuss whatever it is that turns you on, often the things that spark excitement are the things you would never consider or enjoy outside of the mind.
Just because you fantasize about another woman, it does not mean you would cheat or want to be in a relationship with another woman. It is simply the imagination engaging in wild and sexual thoughts. Be respectful to both yourself and your partner as doing what compromises your morals will most probably feel wrong when the feelings have subsided. Keep it safe and loving for you both so that it becomes something you look forward to and enjoy, not something you regret.
5. Set the scene.
Have a few drinks to relax you both if necessary and release your inner inhibitions. Play music in the background or an erotic movie. Maybe bring a blindfold or handcuffs into the bedroom as added props. Start very slowly whispering softly into the other person’s ear if eye contact feels a little too intimidating at first. Kiss and touch each other and when you are both feeling slightly turned on, that’s usually the best time to bring into play a few words. Each couple will find what works for them, but to begin, it can help if both are turned on when the first fantasies are uncovered.
Already have a rough idea of your fantasy outlined in your mind and slowly discuss it with your partner. Pay attention to their response and heat it up or slow it down accordingly. Ask them what they think your thoughts and how much they are enjoying whatever you are fantasizing about. Either take the lead or allow for a two-way exchange. You can explain each part in full detail or offer a brief description. Whatever you find works best and whatever you are most comfortable with.
6. Choose a safe word.
Use it to use to call a stop to things if either person is uncomfortable. Realize that you both have your own ideas of what will and won’t be turns on and try not to get upset if something is said that you don’t enjoy or feel comfortable with. Just utter the word gently and then move the fantasy into a different direction or continue with the lovemaking leaving the fantasies out of it. Trusting one another and communicating lovingly should ensure that noone is hurt. And if something goes awry, just use it as a learning curve and move on.
Fantasies can help to bond, stretch and grow the sexual side of relationships. Curiosity can lead to limitless opportunities for an intensely satisfying experience. Don’t be afraid to explore. This is what a relationship is all about. Discovering all the ways to push each other to the extreme in the most loving and adventurous way.
It is important that you both feel safe emotionally first and also both trust one another to give each other the freedom to explore what causes us to become aroused. Then, the fun begins as we enter a whole new dimension of lovemaking that leads us into the most intimate parts of our partner’s minds. Be careful with it, be loving and be respectful.
If your partner is turned off and not turned on, then leave it there. It is not something that can be forced. It may be that once the idea has been brought up, they just need a little time to get used to it. Maybe try again gently to see if things have changed in the future. And if not, respect their wishes. Sometimes people are led to believe that fantasizing alone or together is wrong or unhealthy but it’s very common. Even if couples aren’t fantasizing together, it is quite often the case that one or more are fantasizing alone. Sharing in the fantasy will lead to an intensified connection as you dig deep into each other’s imagination.
Most people find that the things they fantasize about are things they would never enjoy in reality. Make it clear that this it is purely a tool to turn you both on. It doesn’t mean that either of you will be rushing out to find another to include in your lovemaking.
It is safe, shared thoughts that are purely for the purpose of a heady arousal and passionate, steamy sex. It doesn’t mean either of you are likely to cheat, or want anything more than what the two of you have together.
When the fantasy comes to an end, it ends.
Accept that sometimes the fantasy may go wrong, keeping aware of how your partner is feeling and notice if something has been said that they are not comfortable with. It may be trial and error until you both figure out what turns you both on.
Treat it like a little adventure in your sex life and something to work on together. If it’s something you both enjoy, it will very likely get easier to do and will also create a higher level of passion and greater arousal as time goes on. Once the fantasy is over and pleasure has been achieved, most people do not have any further interest in talking about whatever was fantasized about. It served its purpose for heightened desire and arousal and then it is put to bed—until the next time.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Author: Alex Sandra Myles
Editor: Renée Picard
Image: Wikimedia Commons