If you could describe yourself in just one word what would it be?

Throughout our lives we are asked to pick out adjectives that best describe us as a way to get to know each other on the first day of basically any social or romantic event. We often pick the most attractive qualities about ourselves…friendly, positive, outgoing, etc.

Of course, most people signed up on online dating sites would describe themselves as these things.

Human nature is far too complex to be boxed up in a few adjectives, but if I had to choose just one to sum up everything that I am I would say that I am contradictory.

Given the situation I can be anything I like. I’m not just one thing, nor do I want to be.

It’s exhausting having to keep up with the labels we place on ourselves, especially, all the pretty labels. Maybe sometimes I don’t feel like being a positive Betty; sometimes life is hard and I deserve a few Debbie Downer days.

We all have our days.

I am not always about positivity and sunshine. Sure, when the day is bright and I can frolic in the ocean waves I am happy as can be and life is good. But on some days—especially after a day of drinking–-a darkness creeps up on me and smoulders that light I once felt. It makes me feel like happiness is nowhere to be found.

From experience I know this feeling will pass, but find me on these mornings and you may think I am drenched in depression and in need of a therapy session. Find me in sunshine and you’d think I had never experienced a single day of sadness.

I am independent. I go off in to the woods and take off on airplanes all by myself in order to explore the world.

I am a wild lone wolf, but the thought of being alone forever scares the sh*t out of me.

Sometimes I wish there was somebody next to me filling the empty side of the bed, someone I could share my adventures with.

I am not a religious person. However, sometimes life gets so hard and the pain is so crippling that it brings me to my knees and raises my hands in prayer.

I am both bold and extremely shy. Put me in front of a camera and I will pose as if I am in my bedroom mirror with no one around. Put me on a stage and I flush in color, my eyes wonder for an empty space to hold my gaze so I can avoid the crowd.

I am a cynical hopeless romantic. Half of me believes in grand gestures, candlelight, rose pedals and long walks with sunsets. The other half expects utter disappointment, sex instead of love and power struggles where nobody wins.

I have been both that crazy girl screaming in public and that asshole breaking up with her boyfriend on a holiday. I have been the sane one in a crazy situation and the nice girl getting hurt by some human having an asshole moment.

Threaten me with a good time and I am there, but on most nights I like to be in bed my midnight.
I want stupid, crazy love—but I always rationalize my feelings. I will pick a boy that makes my heart flutter, but I will quickly analyze whether or not we will make sense.

I both hate and love wearing heels.

I want more money, but I refuse to chase the dollar. I am afraid of being the girl that does anything for a man, but I would do anything for love.

I believe in spirits and souls and that when we die that is our end.

This is it our one shot at life.

I believe in a heaven where we can float around in a tranquil peace and an alternate universe where we exist living opposite lives.

I believe in everything and yet nothing at all. I believe whatever you believe to be true, is true to you.

We want to strive for the things that describe us the best and deny the parts that deem us flawed. We are all human and capable of the same human emotions and actions as anyone else on this earth. Everyone wants to be thought of as positive and happy, but it’s okay to be negative and sad sometimes.

Let’s stop boxing ourselves up in adjectives that confine us to some idealized version of us.

 

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Author: Yvette Alatorre

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: Ally Aubry at Flickr