5.5
February 1, 2015

What Women are Dying for Men to Realize.

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Several years ago I found myself angry with women.

I felt isolated, frustrated and desperately alone.

I was angry with women because the more I longed for them, the further away they seemed. I found myself watching from a resentful distance as they laughed and danced, with heartbreaking beauty through the world.

I felt like the tiniest, microscopic bubble way down in the deepest trenches of the cold, dark ocean.

Slowly, I was drawn upward toward the surface where it was fabled that a warm sun bathed peaceful, blue skies with its life-giving radiance. Yet from my place in this seemingly infinite pressure, loneliness and darkness, that “mystical” reality on the surface seemed like an eternity away.

I couldn’t accept that,

“This might be as good as it gets.”

I knew there had to be a simple truth I was missing. So, after almost two decades of seeking, I’ve found that the simple truth is this:

Inevitably, all bubbles, (no matter how tiny or deep) will eventually reach the surface. When that happens, they will come back into oneness with the air.

Not exactly rocket science, right?

So here’s the deal, the more we, as men, crave that vacant space inside of us to be filled, the slower we move and the longer it takes.

So what is it then?

What is it that has us move faster toward the surface where relief from the cold, dark, pressure awaits us?

What has us rapidly ascend toward the kind of deep, sexy, evolved relationship with that extraordinary, radiant woman we dream of?

It’s simply this: “Get Her World.”

Getting her world means we make it our practice to understand why a woman makes the choices she does.

We get why she’s angry, fearful or shy at any given time.

We get why she must test us.

We get what it feels like for her to be in her feminine radiance whether it’s joy, heartbreak or fury.

We get why she chooses some men and why she does (or doesn’t) choose us.

We get why she avoids our eye contact at the party, subway or bar.

We get what makes her coo with joy, open her heart and offer us her sex.

We get why she feels insecure, doubtful or unattractive around other women.

We get what makes her melt in our gaze.

We get how deeply she can feel our neediness, insecurity or anxiety.

We get why she feels physically unsafe when she walks to her car alone.

We get why she feels lonely and yet still won’t give us her number.

We get why she needs us to be strong, grounded and aware.

We get what she sees in us in the first unspoken moments of meeting.

And not only does it all make sense as clearly as our own world makes sense to us, but we can literally say to her,

“I get it. And if I was you, I would feel the same way.”

This is all it takes for her to look at us with sparkling, clear eyes and say,

“Whoa, you really get me. Who are you?”

From the dark ocean depths we may not be able to fathom the warm sunlight awaiting us on the surface but the sooner we’re willing to “get her world,” the faster we move toward that reality. Ironically, it is this very journey that forges and strengthens our spirits as men and that is inevitably what makes us more attractive to women.

That’s the crazy thing about it.

By nature’s design we actually have no choice but to evolve. The only control we have is over how fast or slow we get there. It doesn’t have to take lifetimes, but if we resist where we are all ultimately headed, it certainly can.

Years ago, I began to make a practice of understanding questions like these and “getting” women’s worlds.

If I didn’t understand something I would ask them. I wanted to know!

It wasn’t long before I began to understand more.

As it made more and more sense, I felt acceleration in my relationships. My life started to become brighter. And then one day, I felt myself come into a completely new understanding of myself, my life and especially women.

Ilena Gecan/Flickr

Once that little bubble completes its journey to the surface it comes back home to itself in a very big way.

In other words, we “pop” and we go from a very small, confined experience of our lives to something far bigger. When that happens, relationships get really exciting.

The more we get her world, the more acceptance and space we’re creating in our own world for who she is. When we do this we are literally expanding our bubble to include her reality, and as our bubble becomes bigger and bigger it can’t help but rise toward the surface faster and faster.

This is how we accelerate our journey.

But when we focus on that “void of aloneness” inside of us, we’re literally contracting our bubble (world) to be smaller and smaller and thus we move slower and slower toward the life we so deeply desire.

Get it?

So, what happens when we practice getting every woman’s world (or everyone’s world for that matter) even if they’re not the one we’re married to, dating or pursuing?

The moment we get the world of others we simply can’t help but to expand and thus rise faster.

It’s only once we transition from living in our tiny little pocket of air that has known only darkness, cold and pressure to an enormous new world that feels bright and warm and vast, that we begin to understand what self aware women have been dying for us to realize all along.

When we get this, the kind of life we’ve dreamed about with the opposite sex finally becomes a reality for us and for them.

Until, one day, we ultimately come to realize that this new world is just a far bigger bubble in a far deeper ocean, slowly journeying upward to the surface, yet again.

Listen, I don’t claim to have it all figured out by any means, but I have popped enough times now to know that life does keep getting better and the problems become higher and higher quality.

Scary? Yes.

Liberating? For sure.

Any better options? Nope.

So is it worth it?

Well, is it worth it to remain a stuck little bubble trapped at the bottom of the ocean inside our sunken shipwreck full of old ghosts from the past?

When we trust the invisible force that draws us all upward toward the light it only increases our freedom. While, resisting the nature of our human expansion only increases our pressure and suffering.

So, while it may seem as if we are all alone in our bubble, we are not alone on our journey.

Once we gather the strength to take a good look outside of our tiny little world, we quickly come to see that we’re surrounded by hundreds of millions of other bubbles (both masculine and feminine) all on their journey toward the surface where the sunshine awaits.

And eventually, we all make it.

See you at the party.

 

Relephant read:

3 Ways to Make A Woman Feel Truly Beautiful.

 

Author: Garrison Cohen

Apprentice Editor: Brandie Smith/ Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photos: MCAD Library/Flickr, Ilena Gecan/Flickr

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Clark Nov 5, 2015 6:40am

I would say it's equally, if not more important to start by looking at your own emotions as a man first. We as men in this culture are more often invalidated emotionally in our youth and beyond, all in the name of adages such as "boys don't cry," "stiff upper lip," et cetera. Many men are so disinclined to express themselves or to even probe and thus understand their own emotions that women are often frustrated with how repressed men are. The best way to develop an emotional intelligence is to first understand ourselves– after all, we have our past, our thought processes, and the resulting interpretations of circumstances from which to draw insight as to why we feel the way we feel. More often than not, we do not have all the information with women, especially those women we have just met. The world would be a better place if everyone recognized and took care of their own emotional needs instead of unconsciously spreading the pain of old wounds on to others. I can certainly try to understand a woman's emotions but if I don't know her, and if she isn't honest with me about certain things, then there's no point in essentially claiming some sense of responsibility for her emotions if she can't be open in one way or another. I hold all the women in my life to that standard, and either they leave or they grow to become amazing relationships. I agree, though, that on the whole, empathy is vital to the development of positive relationships.

Married Nov 4, 2015 9:46am

When I told my husband to read your article, he said “fuck you, how dare you? I know your world and have for x years.” I have learned so much from this piece, and I feel validated. Maybe for the first time. Thank you! Unfortunately, I learned a lot more about my relationship than I ever expected when attempting to share it.

Tony Aug 11, 2015 12:39am

In order for a man to "get a woman" he would have to get himself first. Laura and I get each other because we get who we are first. Of course never 100% of the time, we aim for 80% and that is a good balance for us. Basically everything said in this article, for example "We get why she’s angry, fearful or shy at any given time." applies to both men and women. So I would rephrase that to, “I get that she gets angry, fearful or shy at any given time because this is how I feel too.

Now the purpose of this article is what? This is the part I don't get:

“I get it. And if I was you, I would feel the same way.”
"This is all it takes for her to look at us with sparkling, clear eyes and say,"
“Whoa, you really get me. Who are you?”

Hmmmmmm, I think there is a little (a lot) more involved in getting to know one other?

Tony

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Garrison Cohen

Garrison Cohen, former co-founder of AuthenticWorld Media, has spoken at over 250 colleges (as far away as Singapore) for audiences of up to 2,500. He is an award winning filmmaker, speaker, writer and honorary member of the Society of Leadership & Success, which hosts speakers such as Patch Adams & Jack Canfield. In addition to his work in education and entertainment, Garrison has been a voice in the field of transformational media for men & women teaching them to discover, embody and relate with the world as their most solid, sexy and authentic selves.

When I was a kid my Dad always said to me, “Don’t tell me, show me.” And I’d always say, “Okay, I will.”

For information on his personal coaching for life, relationship and personal empowerment for men visit him here. And for coaching, empowerment and relationships for women please visit him here.