I am sorry I loved you so badly.
Everyone wanted you, without knowing you. I was one of many.
When I was young, one of the most beautiful women I have ever known was an acquaintance of mine. We had a real, good, powerful connection—sometimes. We argued beautifully. We had some fun. But mostly we didn’t know each other.
I asked her out, she said yes, then maybe. I met her when I was so broke, tired and stressed from rebuilding elephant (which had been a magazine) online, that I paid for our brunch with change.
She was, and is, externally beautiful. Not just “hot”—but beautiful.
I’ve known many truly beautiful women, and she was one of them. Most of them have been dear friends, but with her…she was a party animal, she was impossible to pin down even for a coffee. I had no idea how to relate to her. I had no idea how to be friends with her, though I tried. So I asked and didn’t receive replies and asked again and got frustrated. I’m not a chaser, but she was a pro at being chased. I don’t like playing games, and I’m not good at them, but I found myself playing, and losing.
Finally, I broke it off. There was very little “it” to break off. We had never been romantic. We had never been friends. But, still, she had served as one of those life teachers who challenge us, humble us, frustrate us—she showed me just how immature I was.
Recently, I asked to reconnect, and we did so, if only so very slightly. And it reminded me of those days, and of how far I’ve come, and of how rude my projection of affection was on her, and yet how simple and sweet it was. I still feel something sweet with her, and I still have no idea how to be friends with her. But, for this life, she will be the most frustrating woman I’ll ever have known. And for that, I owe her a debt of gratitude.
This morning, I woke thinking of her, and that “love” I held for her. As Pema Chodron said, if we can free our love of an object, our broken sweet heart can be a force for compassion and peace instead of clinging and klesha. She helped break my heart, as have so many others.
May our relationships teach us. May we improve, instead of merely defending our confusion. May our intention be to be of benefit, and not merely to “get what we want.”
Life is hard, sometimes. Sometimes it’s rich and dear. If we want to take it easy, we should instead wish to be stronger, and more vulnerable.
May our love life be as full of grace as our spiritual path, our right livelihood, and our friendships and family relationships.
True love is defined by correct intention.
Yours in the Vision of an Enlightened Society,