February 17, 2015

Sacred Casual Sex.


What if we could enjoy the freedom, pleasure and spaciousness of casual sex and also feel a sense of sacred intimacy?

What if we could show up fully in our heart and body with another yet both be clear that it is a temporary affair?

These questions are ones I have been inquiring into for a while now and this story is a part of my personal exploration. I share it to add to the conversation of creating new possibilities for relationship. I am definitely not the most radical individual out there and I have entered into these new territories on careful, cautious feet.

I was raised in suburbia on the regular diet of TV and movies and naturally my original forays into relationship followed some kind of ‘normal’ model. I wasn’t really exposed to alternative possibilities until my inquisitive nature led me into the myriad of explorations that other brave souls have ventured along. My mind consequently expanded and I began to desire more than what I originally believed was available.

I may be a little behind the bell curve for some of you inspirational individuals who read this, and for others of you I may appear as a pioneer. Either way, I am happy that my world has been opening up and new ways of being with others have emerged.

I love connecting. I love sensuality, touch, closeness and sex. I love the vulnerability that unfolds when I get the opportunity to blend my energies with another through the sharing of our bodies, hearts and minds. Many people fascinate me and evoke within me a desire to be close, to know them on a deeply personal and intimate level. I can feel drawn to and attracted to another yet also be aware that in terms of forging a life-long partnership together we are a mismatch. I am looking for something very specific in a partner that goes beyond attraction and requires a compatibility of life-path. And yet when I meet beautiful individuals who awaken this fascination within me my body, my heart, my mind, my soul wants to know them even if it is for a short while.

In our conventional models of relating the way to do this is through one night stands, casual sex or perhaps ‘friends with benefits.’ After having experimented in all of them I feel none of these ways of being with another are truly satisfying to me. Inevitably some kind of deception occurs, sometimes we are even both privy to that deception. Perhaps neither of us want something longer lasting yet we are sucked in by the ideas that perhaps, because we have sex or share intimately, that we are obligated in some way to pretend that there is more between us than there actually is. Another thing we might do is hold back a part of ourselves from truly becoming intimate and vulnerable with this other because we are not “in love forever after.”

I want more than that. I want the freedom to show up fully with whoever I am with, and also the freedom from unstated obligations and assumptions. I want to love, adore and cherish even if it is only for a short while.

As I anticipate the possibilities of groans, sighs and rolled eyes with me as a man making the above statements I wish to clarify that while this once might have been a phrase that might flow from my lips with a hint of deviousness and manipulation to allow my animal fuck brain it’s free reign, I no longer feel a slave to that beast. Sex is a wonderful thing to share with another, yet it’s also deeply intimate. It took me a while until I finally internalised the idea that whoever we are sexual with becomes a part of us. I feel all my past lovers in me in some way and now I am very conscious about who I choose to share my body and heart with.

So with this desire in heart and the inquiry into the possibilities of such a thing to exist  the universe conspired to arrange itself to show me by direct experience.

I had met a woman. Voluptuous, sensual, conscious and open-minded. I was attracted to her and asked her to meet me for tea. I told her I envisaged the possibility of us as lovers and she returned the sentiment. We both agreed that we wanted something conscious and sacred yet open and free. Neither of us wanted to commit to anything exclusive or even serious. We were clear that this was to be an educational experiment for the both of us. We wanted to explore sacred aspects of our sexuality together for both healing and pleasure.

What then followed was a clean, beautiful, and completely conscious exploration. Over a period of six months we met every few weeks for an afternoon together. As we tentatively and vulnerably laid out our intentions I stated that I did not wish to rush into penetrative sex, and so we didn’t.

Our encounters were very intentional and expanded into increasing intimacy with each encounter. We meditated together, gazed into each other’s eyes, practiced authentic relating, massage, breast massage, tantric breathing, naked cuddling, OMing and pleasuring each other with our hands. I had never been before with someone so intimately without sex like this.

It was delicious.

Somehow the times we met we managed to bring out each other’s best, most conscious and powerful self. In each other’s company we were the person we were aspiring to be. Our lives remained distinctly separate. We had no need to stay in constant communication or to meet much outside of our little sacred bubble. Apart from checking in after a day together and planning the next one, and the occasional little sweet text message, there was little contact.

Finally after these six months we decided that it felt right, good and desirable to be physically inside of one another. Holding to our intentionality we organised a time where we could go away and be together for two whole nights completely uninterrupted. I had never had an experience with a woman where I knew, several weeks in advance, that we would be having sex on a particular night.

How bizarre it is that for many of us we have sex with someone before we ever even talk about it with that person!? I think there is so much dancing around the topic with innuendo’s and “want to come up for a coffee?” kind of talk. When I have shared my thoughts around talking about sex before sex to others, many have replied that they think it would ruin the excitement. I find that does not happen at all. If anything my anticipation is heightened while also feeling relaxed at the very clear mutual consent and desire.

This whole experience has been enlivening, rewarding and deeply educational for me. I have since moved quite far away yet we are still in contact and will continue to meet when the occasion offers itself and for as long as we both feel it serves us.

There are so many ways to create and share intimacy with another and I am grateful for the opportunity to continue to open into conscious and loving relationships. I wish for more of this in my life and for anyone else who also wants it. We can totally choose the type of life we most want to live, there is no need to settle for what you have been told is normal.

Forge your own path, discover what you desire, own it, live it, be it.





Making Sex Sacred: 7 Steps to Sensual Bliss. 

The Most Harmful Stereotype about Men and Sex. 


Author: Damien Bohler

Editor: Renee Picard

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