Dear heart, today I will free you by forgiving myself.
I know, it’s been a long time coming.
I’ve heard your whispers, screams, pleadings and cries, as you tried to get my attention.
Believe me, I was listening.
Unfortunately, I was frozen, paralyzed, stuck in moments of disbelief, insecurity and fear. And even though it was painful, there was comfort in those places. They were cold but familiar. I got used to the suffering.
But now, I know that it no longer serves me. No longer serves us.
(And definitely, doesn’t serve the world.)
I long for the incredible freedom of living my biggest, greatest, most exquisite dreams. I want to love beyond reason and create from the deepest, most divine place of connection.
These are the things that make me feel alive.
So, today I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for all the times I settled for something that made me feel smaller than I am. Those moments when I allowed myself to shrink to make someone else feel bigger, better, brighter when it left me feeling caged, depleted and a fraction of my true being.
I forgive myself for all the times I said yes when my intuition was telling me to say no, putting the needs of others before taking care of myself.
I forgive myself for believing that I am not enough.
Or, that I am too much.
(Both have caused heartbreak by keeping me from accepting and loving myself for who I am.)
I forgive myself for getting caught up in my ego by saying words and doing actions that are harmful to others and result in knocking them down instead of holding them up.
I forgive myself for all the times that I’ve looked in the mirror and ignored the vibrant, shining eyes looking back at me, seeing only the flaws and things that I thought I needed to change to be beautiful.
I forgive myself for treating my body with disrespect by nourishing it with unhealthy foods, drinking too much alcohol, depriving it of water and not giving it sleep.
I forgive myself for obsessing over whether I am too fat or too skinny. As long as I am taking care of it, my body is perfect just the way it is.
I forgive myself for all the times I’ve been lazy and distracted, choosing mindless activities over those that support the cravings of my purpose.
I forgive myself for standing in my own way and not listening to the true desires of my heart. Sometimes, choosing the path of least resistance over the true calling of my spirit.
I forgive myself for knowing how to give but never really learning how to receive, especially emotionally. The walls are slowly coming down and with patience, I will expose my heart.
I forgive myself for letting my fear override my greatness by muffling the fierceness of the warrior who dances in the center of my being, waiting for her moment to shine.
I can’t promise that none of these things will ever happen again because there will, undoubtedly, be moments when I am weak and tired and my ego thoughts will get the best of me.
What I can promise, is that when they do happen, I will forgive but not forget. And, I will love myself enough to always keep fighting.
Author: Brandie Smith
Editor: Travis May
Photo: Jason Clapp/Flickr