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February 17, 2015

What I Learned from not Being Loved Back.

unrequited love, grief, alone, yearning

I have loved you. I laid my restless lips on yours. You asked me to wrap my legs around you.

I did, in ecstasy—waiting to be devoured, to be taken.

Your warm place has always invited me to stay. We saw lanterns in the sky and dearly enjoyed dancing under the moonlight. You asked me never to stop singing, we spun and twirled in circles, we danced our grief and loneliness out, you danced my love out.

You told me that silence never felt that good with anyone, and I awaited our next silent meeting. It was one painful wait. You brushed me with your light and showed me the way to pain and back, bemoaning your existence and mine.

We shared it all.

You taught me well about being spiritual, you mentioned “Tao” and “God.” You mentioned “her” too, a lot. So I taught myself how to keep my distance. I taught myself the meaning of letting go when you want to hang on so much. To live with the pain that has always been feeding on your sentimental heart and slow breath, live with it alongside tears of pride and missing someone so much, he could be in front of you and you’re unable to show your yearning, dammit. And oh, how I disgraced myself pining for your scent many more times than my body could find ways to express.

My unrequited love, you taught me to love you, so efficaciously and skillfully you did. And I taught myself to undo it.

To anyone who has endured a similar experience, do me a favor, don’t waste your time waiting for somebody who isn’t ready. Even if all the stars are aligned and directing this path of endless suffering, don’t do it. Know your worth, it’s never too late, and know you’ll be guided to the exact lessons you need to move on and breathe again.

There’s no use for the crackling of your heart beat and your reluctance to release yourself from tears and wails.

Your heart is a skeptic, she knows better…don’t ignore her.

Remember, you will be loved.

Spring will come again sprouting blossoms of what autumn took away from you. Move. Okay? Go.

Set yourself free.

Here’s a fragment of my past hurt, before I healed from its madness:

Unrequited

Subtly touching my aching lungs with your slight fingers
Covered with wounded bone, you cracked what was left of me open
Taking root and spreading…in every cell that called for my longing, broken being
If there were signs for me that such grace would fade away, that you no longer would linger,
I would walk away.
But no, not before the dreadful trembling
Not before extending my limbs, crawling against your body, finding my way to kiss you
Not before I capture the thousand stars in your eyes and pray to them to save me
Not before I ache and fall and twirl in grief and madness
{At night. With you}
Not before I spill your coffee, not before my tears fill your pillow
And my fragile heart ceases beating one too many times while you hold me
Not before I collapse, cut my throat open, shout at you thoughts of clinging and melancholy
Not before you tell me you don’t love me
Not before I fall for all the ways…you manage to kill me.

 

*Relephant

My 5 Tricks for Coping with Unrequited Love.

 

 

 

 

Author:  Salma Shehab

Apprentice Editor: Renee Jahnke / Editor: Renee Picard

Image: Dee Ashley/Flickr

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Salma Shehab