March 27, 2015

To the Men who Want to Keep it Simple.

Urban Romance

You’re respectful, playful and generally an all around fun guy.

You have many interests and it’s easy to be with you. You certainly aren’t new to the relationship scene; your 20s are behind you. Though you definitely want companionship, you clearly want nothing to do with commitment.

If you’re honest, you told her this upfront. It could be, however, that you didn’t realize this about yourself until you were in the thick of the relationship, and it went down more like this….

….whenever she talked about taking the relationship to the next level, you told her, “I just want it to be easy, fun, and light.”

….when she said, “What do you think about being exclusive?” You replied, “Why should we change anything? Things are great!”

….you finally admitted you never wanted to define the relationship as “long-term” or anything else for that matter, because you didn’t really know what you wanted in the future.

….she discovered you’re literally incapable of saying “I love you.”

….when it came to the point of feeling like there should be “something next,” such as living together or a proposal (you could tell she was expecting this), you got cold feet. The relationship became a never-ending disappointment to her, and she left. Or you ended it, not being able to disappoint her again.

….you told her in the beginning you’ve never met anyone like her and she’s absolutely “the one” for you. You made her feel like the most beautiful, amazing person in the in the universe, but in a few months you started singing a different tune. Not because you didn’t want to be with her, but you didn’t want it to be complicated.

If any of this sounds familiar, you can choose to do nothing and keep repeating the same pattern, or you can think about these options:

1. You can choose to live forevermore in solitude (unlikely if you enjoy companionship).

2. You can keep all your relationships casual (if this is your choice, please be honest of your intent with whomever you date —she deserves to know).

3. You can figure out why you fear commitment and break the pattern.

If option three is attractive to you, be prepared to do massive inner-work. This is not an overnight journey you’re about to embark on. This is where you search your soul until you come to terms with what’s holding you back. Your discomfort with commitment may stem from an event that occurred in your past that has become a roadblock to allowing yourself to open up and move deeper in relationships—such as a break up that left you a crumpled mess, either literally on the floor or at least on your insides.

If you’ve ever experienced gut-wrenching heartache, you know it’s one of the worst emotional experiences you can go through. It affects not only the heart, but mind and body as well, leaving no part of you untouched. It hurts deeply. To open your heart again and again takes courage, which means allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

She understands you’re scared, but she’s tired of dating you only to be disappointed. She knows you like the upside of relationships—the affection, laughing, enjoying each other’s company—but when shit gets real, you get nervous. Your mammalian instincts kick in and you fight or flee. That’s when you say things that make her no longer feel valued. Or, you leave her there, wondering what just happened. She thought you were on the same page and now she realizes you’re in different books.

Know this, you man who wants to keep it simple—it’s time you love yourself enough to accept a love that’s greater than what you’ve been willing to accept in the past.

You deserve more than easy, fun, and light.

You deserve a deep, extraordinary love that can only be found when you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable.

She needs you to man-up and open your heart for her. She wants to love you and be loved by you. She doesn’t want you to hold back or go hide in your blanket fort. She cannot promise you it’ll all work out and that your heart won’t be broken, but you won’t know until you push past the emotional discomfort. No risk, no reward.

Bob Marley said, “The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” This from the man who also said, “If she’s amazing, she won’t be easy. If she’s easy, she won’t be amazing. If she’s worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you’re not worthy. …Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”


Relephant read: 

How To Keep Her.


Author: Celeste Shea 

Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: Flickr


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