I’m Addicted to Breaking my Own Heart.

Via Kevin Wood
on May 30, 2015
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Renee Jahnke

There I was again. My back pressed against the wall.

My head hung so low it looked like my neck might snap. The weight of lost love bared down again. Why could I never learn? Why did I always have to fall in love so quickly?

My old belief was that love was simply unicorns and butterflies. It was only pleasant—pleasurable, and should work, without any work.

This was naive and blatantly not true, but it didn’t stop me from believing it.

I used to love, so I could fill that part of myself that I couldn’t love.

There’s a part of me that desperately seeks fixing. It doesn’t feel good enough. It’s my shyness, it’s my laziness, it’s my near constant anxiety.

It’s my fear. It’s my hate. It’s my judgement.

I start to fear myself when I find myself falling into love again.

I know I’m going to get lost. I know I’m going to give too much. I know I’m going to lose track of what’s important.

When I love I lose: my relationships, my work, my force, my current life.

I stumble into a new world. One that feels pleasurable, yet fleeting. Cling to this, hold on tight, it’s going to leave. It’s going to crumble away—it always does.

In this breaking, is where I realize what I’ve done. I realize where I’ve lost my path. I realize the wounds I still have left to acknowledge. I realize the potent power of love, mostly when it leaves.

But, I prefer to risk cracking my own heart than to withhold this love, even for a second.

Love always leads to loss. Death is always there.

Heartbreak. Loss. Pain. These are forms of love too.

These are the depths of love. Yet, these are the feelings we run from. We repress, and become numb. Fearing this side of what we love so much. This almost matters more than the love itself.

More than the bliss. More than the understanding. More than dissolving your boundaries into another. More than the multi-orgasmic sex.

Being afraid of the dark is no way to live in the light. We must plunge in, fall, experience and relish. We must never retreat.

I love to discover, but I also love because I’m an addict. I can’t get enough of these feelings.

Those feelings I can’t generate for myself. Those feelings that run so deep they speak with Spirit herself. Those feelings that make perfect sense, but also carry perfect fear.

I prefer to stumble madly into the pulse of the universe.

I want to spend my life buried in these feelings, digging through the rubble.

Reading about love can never get you close to what’s real. Talking about love doesn’t work either. Only by stumbling downhill and risking your entire heart, your entire life, can you begin to feel what our purpose is, as lovers.

So, yes, I might fall in love too fast. I might be reckless with my love. My heart may be covered in bandages. But, when I remove these bandages, at least I can say I was willing.

I was willing to love the wrong people, at the wrong time. I was willing to discover these depths. I was willing to walk blind into eventual pain. I was willing to be courageous.

Loving fully is brave. It takes a warrior. Only a coward withholds and hides from her heart. When you hide from its intensity you lose out on the one thing that’s worth living for.

 

~

Relephant Read:

What I Know about an Open Heart.

~

Author: Kevin Wood

Editor: Renee Jahnke

Image: ReneeJah


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About Kevin Wood

Kevin Wood is a poet, author, and full-time rambling soul who frequently gets lost in the woods. He writes to fracture your perspective and help you build a more loving life. He believes the next big shift will be fueled by the sacred power of story and has founded a community dedicated to that cause. Visit and connect with him on Facebook or Instagram. Check out Kevin’s website.

Comments

11 Responses to “I’m Addicted to Breaking my Own Heart.”

  1. kazzsam67 says:

    And I thought I was the only one!!! Kindred spirit…we are one <3 You've expressed the very essence of my core and my purpose for being here. Namaste. xx

  2. Kevin Wood says:

    Ah, thank you so much. Some strange path wer'e all on 🙂

  3. Vicki Rose says:

    I started reading the article…nodding my head occasionally, agreeing with the words…. And then suddenly I froze.. staring at the screen as silent tears started to pour down my cheeks.. I stood stock still, simply staring…
    This part gave me lengthy pause..

    “Being afraid of the dark is no way to live in the light. We must plunge in, fall, experience and relish. We must never retreat.”

    …and then I realized it is always & will always be me.. I often allow my heart to fly away on it’s own, knowing the pain it’ll bring when it comes back, yet I’ll never stop loving.. I’ll never stop being me….
    …because honestly…who wants to live in a world where you can’t be who you’re meant to be?…. I certainly don’t… So I’ll continue to love…to laugh..and to hurt… And I’ll continue to build that scar tissue til the day someone makes me forget it’s even there…
    My heart thanks you for this beautiful, enlightening article…

  4. Sarah says:

    Thank you for putting these emotions into words! Currently picking up the splattered pieces of my heart…again…

  5. Claudia P. says:

    This is beautiful, and I can relate so much to it. The only thing that I look at differently is the idea of, “loving the wrong person at the wrong time.” I look at it as, “loving the right person at the right time.” At the time, it WAS what you wanted, and it felt “right,” even if maybe not completely. I think that this person was brought into your life for a reason, as cliche as that sounds. They taught you something, even if you think that they didn’t. They helped you open up a part of yourself, to break open a part of yourself that maybe needed to be broken, as painful as it might have been. Once you broke open that part, you broke open a part of your self that was yet to be discovered. It led you down a different path, and to a different way of doing things, viewing things, and being with things. That a short summative of how I look at it, but I really do find heart break to be an opportunity to be a greater you and to lead you to greatness. Pain is hard, and suffering if going to happen with these things (especially if you love so hard), but I think it is essential to become your best self – especially for those sensitive people, so that they can love fully once something better for them comes along.

  6. Teressa says:

    I cried, I smiled…..I vowed to read this everyday and remember this IS who I am and it's ok to be this way. Thank you for putting into words to help me understand why I do fall in love so quickly and easily…..it is who I am and what I do….and it's ok.

  7. Kevin Wood says:

    Vicki, I'm so glad you enjoyed this…your response made me think of something like this:

    The stars I search for are the ones that shine upon my scars and pain. Enlightening my darkness, so I may walk another day.

  8. Kevin Wood says:

    Thanks for reading it! haha, aren't we all 🙂

  9. Kevin Wood says:

    I totally agree with you. I think this sensitivity can be a huge advantage once we learn how to nurture ourselves, and accept that pain is part of the process. Love is a thing we can never truly classify, I guess it really is a little bit of everything.

    Here's to breaking ourselves again and again, and in the process of this breaking becoming more whole.

  10. Kevin Wood says:

    Teressa, I'm glad you got so much out of this. Falling is love is truly fucking beautiful, and scary, and blissful, and painful. But, all these things can be perfect, under the right light.

  11. Magheb says:

    Really helpful.. Continue the work 😉

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