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* I received a lengthy message from a reader dealing with something we all face at some point in our lives of intimacy with others: the how-to of a physical sex act combined with the psychological effects that has on us.
In this case, we’re talking about fellatio and fear.
Because this reader has opened up a rich and worthy topic, I will address it in two parts—first the physical, then the psychological.
Here is Part 1 of the letter (edited for space and clarity):
Q: I wanted to ask you to write something specifically about oral sex.
I love my boyfriend and I like to let him know that, I love to make him lose control, like he makes me lose it. But I’ve always needed much time to open up… I would sleep with (someone) but I would not look anyone in the eyes while kissing, for example…. It was only about the, I don’t know, fear of being vulnerable. It was the same with touching his penis…
Now, I’ve mentally passed that point where I used to think that “I would never suck a man’s d*ck!” because it would make me feel like losing all my pride and worth.
Oral sex is something great, I love it.
And that’s the problem…receiving without giving isn’t nice, it’s not how it’s supposed to be. I just…can’t get over that “How the hell am I supposed to do it?” Like, I know there’s no damn instruction manual, and I’m sure I’ll notice what he likes and stuff, but there is it again, my fear… how? What if I feel the sudden need to vomit, for example? Or, when he comes, will I end up spitting across the bed and looking shocked?
I want to make him go crazy in multiple, everyday, new ways and I want to surprise him, over and over again.
A: Oral sex certainly can be something great, and it’s a beautiful way to connect with your partner. When performing oral sex for a man, there are two main aspects women must consider: symbolism and technique.
Symbolism: What does it mean when I give my man fellatio?
I think we can agree that for both men and women, oral sex is a deeply intimate act.
Because of women’s long history of enduring male oppression, however, giving a blow job can resonate psychologically as a subservient act. Certainly, some men take it as such. These are typically the kind of men who use the phrase, “Suck my d*ck,” in the first place (in a non-ironic, non-role-playing way).
My advice: don’t blow these men.
Personally, I do not engage in oral sex with a man unless I am comfortable with and trusting of him. For me, it is an act of profound communication. I need to feel he’s ready to hear what I have to say. Further, I want there to be no question that what I am doing (giving pleasure) is of my own choice.
Because, here’s the thing:
performing fellatio on a man can be an extremely empowering position for a woman to be in.
Think about it.
You have one of this man’s most prized possessions in your control.
Technically, in your mouth. Lots of ecstatic things can happen in one’s mouth (which we’ll get to in a moment) but some pretty tragic and painful things can happen, too, if you catch my drift. Realistically, your man is putting immense trust in you.
You call the shots. You decide the tone. You can induce in this man a blissful trance state. It’s a gift you’re giving him. But remember it is you who decides to give that gift.
Technique: How do I perform oral sex on a man?
Once you’ve set the intention to give this supremely personal gift of intimacy to your man, you’ve already got half the skills down.
When we touch with loving intention, what we do is not as important as the energy we are sending through our hands, mouths and bodies.
If your body is filled with love as you begin to move downward toward his penis, he will anticipate the pleasure you’re offering. Trust me.
So, once you’re down there? Here are some pointers:
Begin with your hands. We don’t want our men to go “leaping toward the clitoris like a bull at the gate,” to quote John Cleese in Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life. Likely, your man will appreciate a little stroking and kissing before you plunge his penis down your gullet.
This is also a great way to center yourself. Get down there, touch him slowly. Rake your fingers lightly up and down his inner thighs, across his belly, up his chest.
What feast is being laid out before you? Once you’ve set the table, it’s time to eat.
Lubricate. This is the same advice I give men about women. The skin in and around our genitals is packed with millions of nerve endings. Therefore we must be sure there is sufficient lubrication before we do any kind of movement that involves friction.
No one wants a dry tug or shove.
Luckily, saliva makes an excellent and easily replenished lubricant. If you find our mouth is getting dry, take a sip of water. You can even save a few drops of it to trickle onto your lover’s penis for an extrasensory thrill. (If you’re feeling adventuresome, try ice chips.)
Licking is an ideal way to introduce the oral part of oral sex. Run your tongue along the shaft of the penis, from base to tip. Follow up with a hand-stroke, along the same path your tongue made. One after the other. Once you’ve done this a few times, he should be sufficiently aroused enough to thoroughly enjoy entering your mouth.
A tip about the tip. For those with a hair-trigger gag reflex, you’re in luck.
Physiologically, the tip of the penis (most specifically, the frenulum, which is the vertical elastic band of skin located on the bottom of the penis head, at the point where the “helmet” edges meet) is identical to the clitoris. That’s right. We have the same parts. It’s just that depending on whether we got an extra X or Y chromosome, those bits took different shapes.
What does this mean? Much arousal for men can be concentrated around the tip of the penis, in the triangular area around the frenulum. Of course, just like a clitoris, it is sensitive, so you don’t want to spend all your time here.
More hands. As you lick and twist your tongue around the tip of the penis, continue by taking the rest of the shaft into your mouth as far as is comfortable for you. If you’re feeling choked, use your hands to mimic your mouth’s movements.
Be sure to get them well-lubricated, either with saliva, sexual lubricant, or even food grade coconut oil.
Variation. As you move your hands and mouth, do so in different rhythms. The typical up-and-down, “jerk-off” motion you see in porn may work for a while, and may in fact be what finally gets him off, but variety is key. Try rotating your (firm but not deathly) grip back and forth as you stroke up and down, as if you’re gently loosening a ring that’s been stuck on your finger.
Use your fingers to tease and caress his penis. Drop down and lick his testicles with a flat tongue as you continue to stroke him. If you’re not into that, do the reverse; while his penis is in your mouth, give some light strokes to his balls.
Make some noise. There’s a reason why fellatio is sometimes referred to as a “hummer.” Try humming/moaning as you hold his penis in your mouth. The vibrations will be picked up by the sensitive skin of the penis, but your noises will also help him continue his ascent to full arousal.
Listen. Begin to listen carefully to your partner for indications that he enjoys what you’re doing. If he’s silent, he could be enjoying the whole show. So, that’s good. But it could also mean that what you’re doing may not really work for him, so switch your hand/mouth pattern.
His breathing may change to indicate that he’s getting into whatever you’re doing.
Feel for muscle tightening. Writhing. Shifting. Chances are you’re getting there.
And if he’s moaning, for the love of Mary Tyler Moore, don’t stop.
The big finale. Just before your partner ejaculates (if he does—it’s certainly possible to have given him a super-climactic orgasm that does not include ejaculation), you will feel that his erection takes on an even more solid hardness as it prepares to climax. (You’ll probably also get audible cues from him as well.)
It’s your choice what to do with the ejaculate.
Swallowing is not as horrific as it may sound.
If this is not your thing, you can always let the ejaculate slip through your fingers and use it as lubricant for the final strokes.
If you’d like to learn more oral sex techniques, feel free to click over to my article, “Oral Sex: It’s Not Just for Foreplay Anymore.”
Next week, we’ll continue with Part 2 of this reader’s questions about fear in intimacy.
Until then, happy loving!
Author: Rachel Astarte
Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock