I could have loved you. A few years ago, I probably would have.
I would have willingly gotten on the roller-coaster that is you and rode it until it flew off the rails.
I would have believed that somehow, someday, it would be worth it.
I would have hummed the lyrics to Offspring, “The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care.”
I would have justified your behavior with custom made excuses and pretended that it didn’t cut me when you ignored me.
I would have convinced myself that with time, you would come closer, let your guard down and let me in for good.
But now, it’s different. Now, I know better. Because I’ve dated you before. Hell, I even married you once. This is not the first time I’ve been offered a ticket to a free emotional roller-coaster ride, but now I see clearly that the ride is never worth the fall. Now, I realize that your ambivalence is not about me, and because I am not the cause, I can never be the cure.
I recognize that this is about some demon you’ve yet to integrate, and that you’re still living by a script someone else wrote for you.
Your hot and cold behavior mixes in my mouth and leaves me with a lukewarm sensation. And like tepid room water, I just want to spit it out.
I am a woman who deserves a man whose response to my invitation is “f*ck yeah,” and this time, I won’t accept a sip from the cup you extend half-heartedly.
We both deserve better than that.
You have a story, a history and a pain journey just like me. That pain and that journey still live in you, and in many ways, are controlling your decisions. You see, if you didn’t want this to some extent, you would not have opened the door. You wouldn’t have walked through it.
I knew what I was getting into and I don’t blame you for that. I offered you a chance to surprise me, because I knew if I didn’t, I would always wonder what might have been, if I had only been brave enough to take a risk. I’m glad I did and I would do it again.
I don’t regret knowing you, taking a chance on you and letting you into my world.
The worst feeling is wondering what might have been, and as a part of my commitment to live fully and ride the waves as they come, I am embracing any opportunity that opens my heart. And your presence did open my heart—now, my heart aches a bit, but it was stretched and has a larger capacity than it did before. For that I am grateful.
So thank you—for opening me, challenging me and even for hurting me.
Your presence in my life showed me some areas that still ache in me, but mostly, it helped me to remember who I really am, what I really need and what I deserve. With my newly expanded heart and awareness I have the capacity to receive the crazy-passionate love that’s coming my way.
I hope you find the same.
The one who got away
Author: Lisa Vallejos
Editor: Emily Bartran
Photo: Deviant Art