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For most of my adult life, I hated sex.
I hated it because every time I had sex, it hurt, and the reason (or so I thought) it hurt was because my body had betrayed me.
Let me back up.
Growing up, no one in my conservative, Catholic, and small-town midwestern family talked to me about sex or the changes that happened to my body during puberty. This awkward silence mixed with a few overt instances of shaming, led me to believe that my body and sex were things to be embarrassed about and ashamed of. So, when my first boyfriend asked me to have sex at age fifteen, I had no idea what to expect. I wondered if it would be like the sex I had seen on late night shows I use to sneak downstairs to watch on HBO after everyone had fallen asleep.
It wasn’t. At all.
The first time we had sex, it hurt—really bad. I hoped it would get better, but it didn’t. Sex continued to hurt every single time I had sex with anyone, so I began avoiding romantic relationships.
I didn’t have anyone in my life I could ask about why it hurt, and since this was the olden days—long before the explosion of the internet—I had no way to find out.
I spent years angry at my body. Why was I like this? Why couldn’t I have sex like everyone else could? What was wrong with me? What man would want me? Why had my body betrayed me?
Eventually, after years of enduring painful sex, I found out that the pain was caused by a condition called Vaginismus (weird name, I know), and that I could fix it by doing kegels. Hallelujah! There was hope.
I set about doing kegels, but, even after months, it didn’t help. By that time, I had little desire for sex anyway, so I didn’t see any reason to keep trying.
So, I decided to give up on sex and relationship all together, and did what I could to convince myself I didn’t need or want either. I found other things to care about, and devoted my life to them—spirituality, creativity, career. Not bad things to dedicate my life to, but I could never shake the feeling that something was missing.
One day I ran into an old friend who told me about a new meditation practice she had learned. As soon as she said the name of this practice—Orgasmic Meditation—my body lit up. I had no idea what it was, but I knew I needed to learn it.
I started practicing Orgasmic Meditation (OM for short), and the sexual floodgates quickly opened. I felt my desire and sexual energy open inside me and begin flowing. I felt turned-on, alive, and awake.
A week after starting OM, I met a handsome man who I was incredibly attracted to, and was confronted by how badly I wanted to have sex with him. It made me realize that all those years I had convinced myself I didn’t need sex, the truth was that I had actually been starving for it.
I kept practicing OM, and started doing the inner-work to heal my relationship with my sexuality. Surprising to me, within six weeks I had healed the Vaginismus, and within two months I was enjoying pain-free pleasurable penetration with my handsome man.
The first time I climaxed while he was inside me, I looked at Mr. Handsome and said: “This is what it means to be a woman.”
As my desire and sexual energy continued to open and deepen, my true desires for my life become clear, and my whole life began to quickly shift.
I left an eight year career where I was no longer happy, began performing on stage, and entered into multiple, heart-felt, intimate relationships with men. I also became clear on what my soul’s purpose here on planet earth is—to help bring back the divine feminine—and I created a business that reflects that purpose. I’m now a certified sex and relationship coach who helps other women heal their relationship with their sexuality and wake up their sexual energy. My work is my devotion to the divine feminine, and I see the work I do as deeply revolutionary.
And, through experiencing my own sexual awakening and witnessing it in my clients, I have realized that, as a woman, desire is a key to a fulfilling life and sexual energy is a key to feminine power.
We women have been duped to believe that men want sex more than women. Women are naturally built to be deeply sexually potent beings, but some have just lost access to it.
It’s my wish for all women to have access to their desire and sexual energy. This is the birthright all of women, and a big part of the return of the divine feminine.
Besides that, it’s just too damn awesome to miss out on.
Author: Sarah Kennedy
Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: all.consuming at Flickr