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June 9, 2015

How Mature Men & Women Deal with Emotional Withdrawal.

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My first piece about why men withdraw emotionally generated rich dialogue.

Thank you, each of you for your insights. Your responses have influenced my perceptions. This is the follow-up.

Originally, the premise of my thoughts were based on how men work with emotions and how a female partner could be supportive of his growth curve. My biggest error was in making so much about gender relationship, when it is really about human to human relationship.

Men and women withdraw emotionally. From each other, from other people, from their environments, from their own self. The reasons are varied and individual.

When it happens in any relationship, the result is often confusing and painful for every person involved. It doesn’t matter if its an intimate sexual relationship, friendship or work relation. Relationship dynamics require two people. A sudden change in relationship dynamics that leaves a void is imbalancing, even if only for a moment.

My second biggest error was in giving so much responsibility to the partner or others in the environment to help with emotional growth.

It is true that being spacious, understanding and loving of a person can create a safe environment for them to learn, discover and nurture their emotional health. We can be supportive and present, and that can be very healing. Relationship is the vehicle where emotions arise.

The difference is that one can be present without being responsible.

We can be nurturing without being responsible for the other person’s emotional needs.

The emotions of the other are their emotions. It is respectful to be present and allow a person to express, be and feel who they are, as they are. It is loving to allow that without judgment. This is being present. And it can be the hardest experience ever when in the presence of an emotionally turbulent volcano who can erupt at any moment.

Nobody wants to live their life walking on egg-shells.

Naturally, the people who are loved and cherished in life are given the benefit of the doubt, time and again. Love makes it simple to be forgiving, expansive and compassionate.

It is each person’s responsibility to nurture their own spiritual, mental and emotional health.

The war-cry of a person caught in abusive relationship dynamics is love. Emotional abuse remains insidious, the wounds are not visible. They are felt, and are real. To remain close to someone that is emotionally explosive means one will be hurt, again and again. Remain aware, trust your intuition. It is not any woman’s responsibility to be the emotional tutor for any man. Nor does any man need to bear the brunt and be a spiritual super-hero for the woman who has not faced her emotional aspects.

No one is required to be the emotional support system for any other. It is a choice, one often made unconsciously that needs to be made consciously.

A paradox occurs because emotional maturity requires relationship. Love does endure, and beloveds are given the benefit of second chances again and again.

Emotional security, within and with others, means a total absence of any egg shells to walk on.

How does an individual thrive when a close beloved is an emotional hothouse?

The drama created by such an individual create fires that have to be put out. It is a sad, simple truth that those fires don’t exist when that person isn’t present. The presence of such a person naturally demands attention, time and vitality.

The emotionally immature person can be exhausting.

Love demands responsibility. The truly loving person faces, embraces and delves into the spiritual aspects of their life. This is a growth process. The loving person does not bring constant drama to their family and loved ones.

Loving people understand this. Those of us who face this growth process, who embrace the challenges of its path, we get it.

We are more patient, understanding and accepting of those who are engaged in self-discovery. The emotionally secure individual, the family member who loves, the supportive community, is nurturing. This provides space for growth.

We still have boundaries that can withdraw the nurturing and support for someone who is so draining that one’s life suffers from their presence. Sometimes people need help and support one cannot give, and another might.

Creating and holding healthy boundaries can be heart-breaking.

Men know who they are, and understand their emotional landscape.

Women know who they are, and understand their emotional landscape.

Boys and girls never face their emotions. They will project, deny, manipulate and create emotional storms of nightmare proportions.

Grown-ups are responsible for their emotions.

Regardless of the environment, a mature individual will do what it takes to maintain their emotional well-being. Even when with a person who is emotionally taxing, the person who knows them self is a rock. They can set an example and open a healing environment by their being centered emotionally.

The maturing individual discovers what it takes to self-nurture. The mature one has discovered what works for them and puts it into action.

Emotional presence and responsiveness is maturity in action. Rather than learning from a book and adapting behavior, one learns through real world interaction and experience. This is invaluable.

First, a person learns how to be aware of their emotional dynamics and what influences them. Second, the loving individual puts that into play. It is a choice.

Loving and supporting ones family, environment, or career is optimal and goes further with emotional stability.

On a practical level less time goes into emotional crisis management leaving more time to focus on what matters in life.

Being able to interact with an emotionally secure person can provide safe ground for somebody to learn and discover their own emotional maturity.

A person undergoing the maturation process can be challenging. Sincerity and self-awareness provide great support for the individual seeking their own emotional center.

How many people are emotionally secure when trying to be the emotional support system for somebody who takes no responsibility? Even the most stable person can be taxed to exhaustion.

Fortunately, the person who can provide an emotionally secure environment also is aware of their own boundaries. Life and love call us to action. Knowing that life has its limits, and that it’s inevitable, choices have to be made. There are other people in life who need us, and love requires our being present for our children, brothers, sisters, parents and community.

The emotionally secure individual will draw boundaries and change the nature of a relationship to maintain their own health and to protect the well-being of their loved ones.

I’d question the intentions or love of any person who is so emotionally demanding that they demand all of one’s attention.

A loving person is emotionally aware. They take steps to become aware, to listen, to be sensitive to others. They are just as aware of their own emotional awareness.

Life is precious. How many seconds, minutes, hours or days need to be filled with any kind of emotional drama?

The world is huge. There is music to make, art to create, causes to take up, a world to tend, our families to love.

Knowledge is power.

The person who knows their emotional nature has knowledge. It grants freedom, and power over oneself, and liberty through out the day. Self-knowledge is the most empowering undertaking any man or woman can take.

Why do people withdraw emotionally?

Any reason is legitimate.

What matters is to listen and validate the emotions, to be present, listen and grow.

The real question is: Why do you withdraw emotionally?

Are you validating your own emotions?

Are you recognizing your own emotional landscape, and how to nurture that for yourself?

Are you being loving to yourself?

We are all gifts of creation and worthy of love.

Relephant bonus:

xxx

 

Relephant: 

Why Men Withdraw Emotionally.

~

Author: Keith Artisan

Editor: Travis May

Images: fotocommunity.com

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Yellie Sep 10, 2015 3:32pm

Ohhh those last few sentences… I had to catch my breath and look away. Beautiful piece.

Sara Sep 10, 2015 12:07pm

Wonderful! So helpful for peace and health.

samantha Jul 13, 2015 5:53am

Keith, Your article was well structured, as are the rest. There were a lot of key points that you made that hit home with me and that i think resonate with others as well. When coming into the understanding of the self and taking responsibility for those truths is of absolute importance. People may not do the work for you, but they can provide you with a mirror in which for you to view things about yourself that you may not realize.
Also making the excuse that someone is making you act one way or another is just another one of our egoic cover up’s, that I myself have tried to use. The hardest part is to act in accordance to what your beliefs are when someone is striking an emotional chord with you. In working to become a spiritual counselor myself, this was one of THE hardest things for me to realize and is still difficult at times to control emotion and put it in its respective place through rational analyzation

I have posted this article and was wondering if you could take a look at my FB page entitled Sharing Consciousness (it is only a week old and has lots of room for growth), and if it resonates with you to please 'like' it share it with others. I would love for you to post on the page and be an interacting proponent if you will. You could also message me back at [email protected]. Thank you do much for the energy that you give to the human experience of those you touch.

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Keith Artisan

Keith Artisan believes each human is innately good and imbued with talent. Believing that life is a mystery, he feels it is his life purpose to inspire people to believe in themselves and live their truth. Living what he believes, Keith actively serves his community as an entrepreneur, artist, yoga instructor, musician, writer, and mentor. He is online at Facebook and his website, Living Artisan .