The mistake that most make is thinking that sex begins once we are naked and straddling each other in the darkness of desire.
To be a skilled lover is to arouse our lover from miles away by the sheer flavor of our mind, and the promises of what is to come.
“‘Move me’ she said, hitching up her skirt to straddle my mind.” ~ Victor Fore
This is what it takes to be a skillful lover.
The first part of the body that we need to make cum is the mind. The minds of our lovers have the ability to become the most delicious part of them—they are the doorway not only to their hearts, but to unlocking their sexuality.
The skilled lover understands the necessity of touching the mind of the person whom we want to touch physically.
To do this, we need to entice their desires, but also their intelligence, because those who are conscious awakened beings have no tolerance for shallow interactions.
“Chemistry is you touching my mind and it setting my body on fire.” ~ Unknown
A lover who understands the need for mental stimulation will delight in sending messages, or telling their lover vocally about what turns them on and what they plan to do. It can be something as sweet as telling our lover that we had a dream about them last night—or as dirty as telling them the next time we see them, we want to lick and suck them all night long and that we ache to feel them cum inside of us.
This language is not dirty or wrong between people who are comfortable with one another. Language like this is all about speaking our truth, and letting our lovers know that not only are there no physical barriers between us, but no emotional or mental ones as well.
“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” ~ Federico Garcia Lorca
This opens the door for being honest about our sexuality.
Do I like my skin stroked softly and to be told that I am loved? Of course—but I equally like it when my hair is pulled, and a hand placed firmly on my throat.
To make love isn’t to assume that it has to be slow, or perfect. The beautiful thing is if we let it, there are a thousand different ways to love someone in this world, and when we can leave the “how we should be” doing something at the door, we have the opportunity to find what is best for us personally.
This is what the skilled lover does—they test the waters and are open and receptive to the signs that their lover gives them about what they like and what they don’t like.
“A gentleman holds my hand. A man pulls my hair. A soulmate will do both.” ~ Alessandra Torre
Although I have been sexually active for years, I just finally have felt like I can actually be the lover who I really am, and was all along—it just hadn’t been woken up by the right person before, another who is also a skilled lover. It has nothing to do with experience, or how many times I’ve been fucked, it’s about the person I am with, and the more free I feel with them in life, then the more freely I will lick, seduce and suck the hell out of them at the first chance I get.
I am someone who has always been a sexual person—it’s just part of who I am. Yet, I have had few sexual partners because I don’t believe for me personally that is the right choice. As open minded, and wild as I am at times—for me certain things are better left to exclusivity. When I become intimate with someone, they are aware that there is something special there—otherwise they wouldn’t have my naked body in their hands.
A skilled lover is not made in having been around the block numerous times, or having tasted every flavor out there. A skilled lover knows that sex is about connecting ourselves with our lovers, and letting the walls down so that we can find the ways to most deliciously please each other.
“It is not the sex that gives pleasure, but the lover.” ~ Unknown
To be a skilled lover is to know that 10 minutes of banging isn’t going to get the job done—although, even the best of us become impatient at times, and simply can’t resist.
A skilled lover will first make us feel comfortable with them; they will show us that they want to see every part of us—especially those that we hide most often. A lover like this will have no desire for us to be anything other than what we are, and will delight in our raw humanness. They will be able to intellectually meet us, and not say things to please us, but instead say the things that need to be said to help move us forward in this life.
A skilled lover isn’t rushed, and while they may ache at the thought of being touched, they know that perfection can’t be rushed.
Yet, they also know perfection is a myth, but what a beautiful myth it is. To a skilled lover, our body is as perfect as it will ever get, although we are messy individuals, we are also animals deep down.
I am more attracted to a man who has just worked all day, or been outside so that I can smell the sweat on his skin and taste the salt of it on his neck much more than freshly clean out of the shower. I like the smell of a man, when I am attracted to him, and this does not include lotions or soaps.
Send him to me just a little bit dirty, and watch how fast I melt in his hands. I like to smell and taste his day upon him, because that is the true taste of who he is—messy and all.
But, I expect the same from a man I am with. I don’t think I am most beautiful when I am freshly shaven and smooth, when my hair is brushed down and wearing liner along my blue eyes. To me, I like how I look after a day in the sun—a bit of stubble on my legs, my hair tangled and wild, my shoulders bronzed, and freckles out along my cheeks and nose.
Because that is when my inner wild woman is released, and it’s that woman that would fuck her lover in the sunlight in the middle of a rushing river—we can’t truly be a skilled lover if we are only after polished and perfect.
Instead, give me gritty, and real, and just a little bit of dirtiness.
“I crave the smell of You on Me.” ~ Unknown
Because the most beautiful thing about a skilled lover is they are in fact in love with the real. They will want to undress us and taste us exactly as we are, they want to make our legs shake and breath catch because they are attracted to our body in the most raw way possible.
The skilled lover will take the time to show us exactly how much they desire us and while they won’t hesitate to lick us where it counts, they will also take their time tasting the corners of our stomachs, and biting the inside of our thighs.
They will want to taste every part of us, and we will in turn open ourselves up to them and their touch.
Only once that happens can we break from the norm and delight in the delectable play of sex—ice cubes being slid down upon the skin in a hot mouth, a single feather gliding along naked skin just tantalizing our senses, feeding each other delicious desserts, licking the juices off of fingertips and rubbing infused whiskey on their lips before we kiss them, blindfolds and even handcuffs—all part of what the skilled lover will do.
Yet, the true secret of the skillful lover is in the way that no matter how much we get, they always leave us wanting for more.
“Physical attractions are common, but a mental connection is rare. Once you’ve had the latter the former will never be enough again.” ~ A Beautiful Mess
Author: Kate Rose
Editor: Catherine Monkman