Bodies do not come with operator’s manuals or FAQs.
Most men feel competent operating their own equipment and are confident they know what it is capable of.
However, when it comes to their own sexual pleasure, I have found men vastly underestimate what is possible.
It’s becoming common knowledge that women have a huge orgasmic potential. A woman may experience different types of orgasms depending upon where she is stimulated (clitoral, A-spot, P-spot, C-spot, and G-spots to name a few) and she can have multiples of any or all of these.
It’s possible for a woman to roll through waves of these different orgasms for hours. The different kinds and intensities can build over time into bliss that frankly boggles the male mind.
At first glance it seems men have been short changed when pleasure potential was being allocated between the two sexes. For men, typical average intercourse lasts four to six minutes until ejaculation. Some recent pieces I’ve seen reinforce the belief that what is typical is a good as it gets.
I can personally attest that this is not true. Male pleasure potential is largely unexplored because so few men understand that orgasm and ejaculation can be separate experiences, that men also can experience multiple orgasms, and that there are nearly as many flavors of male orgasms as there are female ones.
It’s at this point where many men stare at me in disbelief or start quoting medical research about what is “normal” in bed. In some cases they ask me if what I’m saying is actually true. Can men really experience multiple orgasms and continue to open in ever greater levels of pleasure? Yes they can, based upon decades of my own personal experience, and the experience of men who I coach in exploring their personal depths of sexual stamina and pleasure.
So back to the heart of what most men want to know: “What’s in it for me? Why be anything but normal?”
You can experience more orgasms and a great variety of orgasm types.You can experience much more intense and powerful orgasms—I know this can be difficult to imagine but it is true.
Only through extended intercourse sessions of 45 minutes or more can many women experience the varieties of deep vaginal and cervical orgasms. Since men don’t “last” that long, most women have not explored this part of their own pleasure potential. When you expand your capacities in this realm—being able to choose when you ejaculate—you can explore new pleasures with your partner. And this joint exploration of new realms can be both healing and bonding between partners.
The perceived location of the orgasm in the body can expand from being focused only in the genitals to include the spine, solar plexus, heart and brain. Whole body orgasms may occur and have vast regenerative potential.
You can end a sex session feeling energized, rejuvenated and wide awake instead of feeling depleted or ready to drift off into sleep.
It’s worth noting that your ejaculatory orgasms will change in depth and feeling as you develop the ability to extend lovemaking. Pleasure continues to build over time. Waves build upon waves. An ejaculatory orgasm consciously entered into after a couple hours of intercourse, when your partner is surrendered and saturated in bliss is a vastly different experience than a normal ejaculation after five to 15 minutes of sex.
A man and his partner won’t necessarily want to extend their sexing to longer sessions every time. Once a man masters non-ejaculatory sex, he can choose whether to ejaculate or not and what length of time best serves him and his partner. I have found this intentionality can add to your intimacy. Somehow sexing may shift to something more sublime as both partners spend extended time bathed in each others embrace and gaze.
Men don’t have access to much straightforward information on how to experience non-ejaculatory orgasms. Whereas there have been an explosion of support groups and OM clinics for women to learn their orgasmic potential, there has not been a lot of resources for men to practice and expand their own orgasmic capabilities. Most books that exist on this topic are rather tough to access, in my opinion, as they frequently use ancient language and esoteric thought systems to explain these practices.
In recent decades women have been blooming into fuller enjoyment of their pleasure potential, but most men have not. When men and women spoke with me regarding this imbalance, I began sharing what I had personally learned about expanding male sexual stamina. Teaching other men how to develop their own abilities arose naturally as I listened to their challenges and answered their questions. I shared and developed practices enabling them to conduct greater intensity and pleasure through their bodies. My offerings of this information have expanded from one on one coaching to online group intensives and workshops.
I have been encouraged by my teachers to leave out all the esoteric language and history and to just teach a natural self-discovery process. Our bodies secrets have been waiting for us to discover them. With sufficient time and practice nearly all men will experience their own non-ejaculatory orgasms and new levels of pleasure beyond their current orgasms.
When working with men, I begin by listening. Each man has a unique way that he experiences sex and his body. A man’s current relationship to embodiment and sexuality shapes how we proceed. We often begin with strengthening the pubococcygeus (PC) muscles and self pleasuring practices to reveal a man’s own arousal landscape that can be enjoyed before entering into zones where inevitable ejaculation occurs.
Practices to deepen breath and sensate consciousness lead men to discern how their body changes in response to muscular tension or relaxation. Specific yoga asanas are used to generate states with intense sensations that are similar to those encountered during sex where the subtle effects of breath and relaxation can be easily felt and explored. Over time, awareness, relaxation and breath can be used to open blockages or relax contractions leading to ejaculation, allowing sexual energy and orgasmic pleasure to fully circulate throughout a man’s own body and be conducted into his partner.
Instead of sexual capacity diminishing with age, the practice of non-ejaculatory sex opens new space to continue exploring pleasure and connecting deeply with your lover. This ability is part of our natural birthright as humans. It does not need to be such a mystery or secret.
Do you need to master non-ejaculatory sex to be happy? Absolutely not. My hope is that this capacity in men becomes as celebrated and obvious as women’s multi-orgasmic potential.
Why be normal? You get to choose. May pleasure and peace flourish for everyone as a result.
But let’s not forget, that great, mindful sex is not just about orgasms: