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Q. We all know foreplay is really important, but my significant other doesn’t really get that.
He seems to kind of put oral sex in the foreplay box and that’s all, or just a couple of pats between my legs and he thinks I’m ready to go.
How can I explain in a way that he will retain the knowledge and not feel like I’m giving him a sex ed lesson? (I’m also a nurse and tend to have a very clinical approach). I don’t think he’ll want to hear what my exes have done, he’s definitely not the type to research, and it’s hard to tell someone how to slowly warm up a female for sex. I just want to avoid bruising his ego because I love him a ton.
A. I have always maintained that the most important lesson a man can learn about making love to a woman is that unless she is well-lubricated, nothing should enter her body.
Not a finger, not a toy, and certainly not a penis.
What’s the big deal with lubrication? When a woman is properly aroused, blood flow to the vagina, vulva and clitoris increases, which causes them to swell—a reaction called vasocongestion. The vaginal walls then begin to “sweat,” which, in combination with vaginal mucus, causes that ideal set-up for sex that we commonly refer to as a woman being “wet.”
You may be asking what in goddess’s name this has to do with your question about foreplay and how to ask for it.
A woman’s vaginal wetness is directly proportional to how “ready to go” she is.
Sometimes we come to bed already halfway there, and so not much foreplay is needed. But sometimes we do need to warm up and get that delicious sweat going! This may or may not be something that your partner knows.
So how do you tell him?
It sounds as though you already have a good relationship with your partner. It’s likely, then, that you will be able to share your desires with him openly and without “bruising his ego.” Unfortunately, women are consciously or unconsciously conditioned to suppress our sexual needs. We worry so much about upsetting our partner by saying what we want or need that we are often willing to forego our own satisfaction.
Something that we women often forget in our quest to make sure everyone around us is happy (especially our mates) is that our lover wants a) for us to be satisfied, and b) to be the source of that satisfaction. Nothing thrills a man more than being the red hot lover who sends you into a trance-like state that leaves you breathless and unsure of what year it is, who is president, or even your own first name.
Talk to him. Let him know that being wet feels good, and it’s something he can check out for himself when you begin to make love.
If it’s too hard to speak the words directly—or if you’re concerned you might come off as sounding clinical—take his hand and guide him to your vagina. If it’s wet, let him know verbally that you’re ready with a little moan or by continuing the sexual intimacy. If you’re not wet enough, say so. Something along the lines of, “Not quite there yet. And I want to be wet for you. Why don’t we/you __________?” Fill in the blank with whatever you desire at that moment.
You can avoid the bruised male ego by bringing your arousal back to his participation in it. You want him. He has a lot of sexy traits that turn you on, so let him know about them. My partner likes for me to tell him what’s working (as opposed to what isn’t), as in, “I like that. More of that, please!”
For example, if your partner is performing oral sex and stops before you’re ready for him to, ask him to keep going, but add that he’s making you feel really good. Let him know it’s his attention that is stimulating you.
In the end, it’s about being able to own your sexual desires and honor your partner’s place in helping you satisfy those desires. This is the core of true intimacy—the dance between souls, each of us playing our part as equals.
Author: Rachel Astarte
Editor: Travis May