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September 23, 2015

Forgiveness: A Letter to my Inner Child.

miguel/flickr

“Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.” ~ Marianne Williamson

I am sorry. I have seen my darkness, and I’m sorry you have suffered.

I am sorry for all of the times that I told you we weren’t good enough.

I am sorry that I believed we weren’t good enough for so long. You used to whisper to me that we were good enough, and that you wanted us to try, but I would never listen.

I kept us alone, in the dark and isolated for so long—I was so afraid. 

I was afraid to love, to be loved, to trust, to be vulnerable, to feel, to mess up, to make mistakes. I was afraid that everyone would be able to see how scared I was. That really I was just a weak, afraid, imperfect and vulnerable human.

I was afraid if anyone saw that, they would hurt us. That they would judge us. That they would not love us.

I denied you. I ignored you. I berated you for making mistakes. I criticized you at every turn, for not being perfect. Nothing you ever did was good enough. I called you weak for wanting love. For crying. For feeling anything. I judged you for every moment and every emotion.

I pretended that I didn’t care. I pretended no one else mattered and that we were better off alone. I built those huge walls that I kept you trapped behind, when all you wanted to do was love the world. I caged you inside my deepest prison and refused to let you out.

That was wrong of me, and I am truly sorry.

I lied to myself until I believed my own lies.

I convinced myself that I was happy. I told myself “We’re free. This is what we want.”

I was so blind with pride and ego.

Whenever we would grow close to people, you would start to show. The love would come out. The caring, and the kind heart. The softness.

That was too much. It was too scary. So off we would go again—away I would drag you on another run. I couldn’t allow us to stay there and get hurt. I’m sorry for that.

I’m sorry that my fear of unknowns and of unrealistic ideas had more power over me than any rational thinking. I didn’t know what I was doing to us. To you.

I knew you were in there; sometimes I could feel you crying out for love. I am sorry that I wouldn’t listen. Sorry that I thought that weak. I didn’t know any better.

It turns out you were right. You were right all along.

There is strength in love, and strength in faith and trust. You used to whisper that we didn’t have to do everything alone, that there was nothing wrong with asking for help. That there was nothing wrong with making a mistake, or crying. But I wouldn’t listen.

I was too stubborn.
I had too much pride and ego.
Too much fear of looking weak and stupid.
Of being alone and inadequate.

So I pretended that I didn’t want any of it, that I didn’t need any of it.

My ignorance to life makes me cringe now. So much senseless suffering created by me, all because I was afraid.

That’s over now. I am not afraid any longer. I am no longer weak, hiding away behind self-built walls under the ignorant guise that it is safe there.

I am open to life. To love. To pain. To growth. To whatever comes up.

I am now strong in my love for you, for me, for us, for those around me, for the world. I am strong in my faith in the Universe, and the belief that we are enough and perfect as we are meant to be. I am strong in my realization that on my own I am nothing and I know nothing. It is our link to the great united consciousness that empowers us all that lets me know we are not alone.

I have peace and love in my heart, even on the hard days. Even when my head whispers, “I’m not good enough,” I now hear your voice loud and clear saying, “Yes, we are. We are good enough. We are not alone.” 

I see now that your path of love was the strong way.

I am sorry that it took so long to get here, and for all the pain on the way. I promise you that from now on I will honor and listen to you. I promise that I will no longer run because I am scared.

“We made it,” you whisper to me. “It’s going to be okay. I have seen our darkness, and I see who we can be. I have also seen our light, and I see who we can be. I forgive you.”

I love you.

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Relephant Read:

What to do when “I’m Not Good Enough” is Stuck on Repeat.

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Author: Lindsay Carricarte

Editor: Toby Israel

Image: Flickr/miguel

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