All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness. (Yes. Every one.) Authors remain anonymous.
No judgments, just soulful answers.
Q: About seven months ago, I met and fell in love with the most amazing man. My previous two relationships were with a narcissist and then a compulsive liar. Both were very sex-oriented, as you would expect.
This time I was determined to do things differently, so when we had our first opportunity to take things further I jumped in straight away and stated there would be no physical intimacy, gently of course. I conveyed that the location and timing were wrong, and his answer was, “Of course it is.” He had no intention of being physical with me that night.
I remembered my Buddhist teacher’s advice to test a man’s intentions by not allowing sex at first—she said 6 months to a year. As it happened, we managed three months. But you know what? The most amazing thing happened: after the first night of opportunity, my partner went crazy for me (just as my teacher said any “gentleman” would). I was a “lady” and my conduct had proved to him how much of a lady I was. And the reverse was true: he was a true gentleman.
The second time we had the opportunity, things progressed a little—he pleasured me through my clothing, but didn’t want it returned. (I was worth waiting for, he said.)
We fell in love spiritually and connected via heart and soul before physical entwinement was a factor. It’s the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced, and even now, after we have shared ourselves physically, it is still not the major factor between us. We are long distance, and only see each other once every couple of weeks and memories of our times together are dominated by our walks and talks, the way his eyes change colour in the sun, the feel of his heart underneath my hand. With the richness and beauty of who he is as a human being, our physical intimacy is another beautiful memory but not the most important.
We have been intimate on six occasions now, and he is an amazing lover. The first time we made love, at one point I started to kiss down his chest, with all intention to reciprocate what he had just given to me about half an hour earlier, although not to climax… I reached just below his belly button, and he gently took my shoulders and pulled me back up, saying that was far enough because I was a lady and will remain so.
I was surprised. I mean, what man doesn’t want oral sex? Every time we have been together, I have gently kissed his stomach, waist, hips… Every time he stops me before I even get close. Until the last time: he let me kiss along his length and then stopped me. He said that was as far I was allowed.
I am not sure if he is so determined to protect my “lady” status, that this is why he is stopping me, or if he’s afraid. In all honesty, I do believe it is the former. I have no intention of just having a porno-scene-head-bobbing episode with him, and I would love for him to allow me to show him that this act can be done with such tenderness and love. (I’ve always kept one hand over his heart as I’ve been kissing him, as a way of showing him that it’s being done with love and respect.)
I’m wondering if you have heard of this before—a man associating fellatio with disrespect for women to the point that he doesn’t want his lady disrespected—and how it can be overcome. And I was wondering if there were any guides written on the subject of how to be intimate while preserving spiritual integrity for each other.
A: Let me answer your question in reverse: There are several books written about intimacy and spirituality, including the Kama Sutra.
Likewise, any tantric guide will point out that sexuality is only one aspect to the greater path, which is non-dual connection to the Divine. We can look at the act of sex as a representation of the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine uniting. Back in the days of goddess worship, for example, it is said that devotees gave offerings to Astarte, the goddess of fertility and war, by making love in Her temple.
You and your man may benefit from books like Finding God Through Sex by David Deida, a world-renowned author and teacher of sacred intimacy, or Margot Anand’s tantric guide The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers.
Reading list aside, your burning question seems to be to be why your man doesn’t want oral sex. Considering your description of a very intimate and spiritually profound connection, I’ll assume he’s not engaged in another relationship outside yours. If he were, I’d suggest this may be a personal boundary line of intimacy that he chooses not to cross.
Barring a secret life, there are a few possible reasons why you’re both encountering this block:
1. Your boyfriend has a strange view of femininity.
His definition of “lady” implies that a woman’s sexuality is not decent. That somehow your desire to share with him your precious sexuality in the sacred and loving space you’ve created for sex is debasing to you, and not an example of your power. This doesn’t seem to jive with the deeply evolved level of your relationship.
For the record, it was not “ladylike” not to engage in sex with him until you knew each other better, it was common sense. You’d been with men who seemed to value sex more than emotional connection. You made a wise choice to avoid that.
To be fair, it may be part of your partner’s upbringing that “good girls don’t.” But based on the psychospiritual maturity you’ve described him as having, this seems unlikely.
Your man may indeed have some fear attached to oral sex. Perhaps he’s had bad experiences with it. Maybe he was injured emotionally or physically when he welcomed fellatio. Perhaps he was told as a child that oral sex was dirty. This kind of conditioning can certainly result in an aversion to oral sex.
3. Emotional discomfort.
Likewise, your boyfriend may be uncomfortable with allowing himself unabashed pleasure. This could also be why waiting was easy for him. If for some reason he doesn’t feel worthy of receiving love (in this case, in the form of sexual attention to his penis), he may reject the idea of including it into your repertoire.
This bit of advice won’t surprise you: Talk to him. Find out if any of these options ring true to him. If not, it may simply be that he’s confusing sex with base carnality. In that case, I’d recommend you get one of the books mentioned above and snuggle in together for a good read.
Explain to him that you desire him. That having him in your mouth is a pleasureable act for you as well. Perhaps this clarification will take the pressure off him feeling like he’s in the spotlight when you perform oral sex.
Perhaps a redefiniton of what it means to be a woman is also in order. Forget “lady.” Ladies drink tea with their pinkies raised and turn their noses up at societally defined distasteful things because they don’t have the vag to have an original opinion. (Yeah, I wrote that, then I sniffed my armpit. Okay, I didn’t do the armpit thing, but you get the point.)
Women are vibrant sexual beings just as much as men are. And that sexuality is sacred…when you do it right.
Author: Rachel Astarte
Editor: Katarina Tavčar